Well, it's been quite a while since I sat down to write a post. I hit the bottom. I bounced back. I'm happy for the first time in my life.

I don't really know how detailed I want to be, but I definately want to tell some stories, so here we go.


Oh Well... I'll Find Another Job


In February of 05 I decided that I was going to settle down, retire from professional sports, settle down with my girlfriend, and get a "real job." That real job was as a financial consultant... and in the course of a year, the $43,000 "salary" they offered me ended up as a $20,000 salary. Not only that, but it started out at the 43k rate and then was cut to damn near nothing almost immediately, so of that 20,000 I probably earned 10k of it in the first 3 months. (if you're new, the girl cheated on me soon after I took the job)

From February through August I did NOTHING. I spent my days/nights playing EverQuest and looking for a job. I would send out between 10 and 15 resumes a day and was getting one of two answers. 1. Thanks but no thanks. 2. Sure, we'll hire you, but we won't pay you, and if you don't make X ammount of money (in sales) in the first few months we'll fire you from the job we're not paying you for doing.

I started collecting unemployment insurance almost right away which covered exactly my rent, electricity, and internet. I let my other bills go for a while... oh... and didn't buy food. I lived on what was left over from a hog my folks had slaughtered a few months before (which was basically a freezer full of sausage), coffee, and whatever else I could afford by not paying a bill one month or the other.

In August I took a job with a family friend as a salesmen. 2006 ran out and I had no money, no unemployment insurance left, and the loan I took out had run out. Not only that but I was also being hastled by about 10 different collection agencies for the money I owed. The stuff I was selling was being sold to the state government, so in order to see payment I had to go through a million steps that each take weeks. Long story short, I worked for 9 months and never got paid. Things I worked on during my time there still might pay me one day... but I'm not holding my breath.

I Surrender

In December I had a talk with my boss... who might as well be my father. I am very close with him and his family and he always looks out for me. Him and I agreed that this experiment with me working for him was losing altitude fast and it was time to eject. He started leveraging his connections to get me into a similar job that came with a salary. At the same time I restarted my job search. I gave Monster and CareerBuilder one more try. I updated my resume, changed some objectives, and came at this search a different way. I was looking for specific industries/companies and was going at them hard. I was easily sending out 25 resumes a day and was really working hard to find steady work.

I only had two qualifications for the job. 1. It has to pay a salary or be hourly work with a consistant work load. 2. NO SALES. As it turned out, I'm "not qualified" for: data entry, temp work, managment, finance (other than sales), etc etc etc. It actually makes me sick to sit here and think about all the jobs I was turned down for that any asshole who could read and speak English could do without breaking a sweat....

My boss was working hard to find me work, but he was coming up dry. He didn't want to make me sound TOO good at my job because in reality I was dealing in a very complex industry and was ONLY dealing with relationships, not the technology. If he got me into a job that I wasn't qualified for that would ruin his rep, so he was having a VERY hard time finding a place that I would fit.

Now it's January. I've been busting my ass trying to find work and coming up dry on every single front. I had hit every company I wanted to work for, every industry I found interesting, every job I was qualified for (at least that I thought I was qualified for after reading the job description and matching it up with what I've studied/done), and still found nothing. I couldn't pay my rent, I had no food, no gas, no NOTHING...

So I gave up.

I went online and applied at Best Buy, Home Depot, and a bunch of other huge national chain retail stores.


So... This is THE Bottom?

Wednesday afternoon I get a call from a dude asking when I'm available for an interview at the local Best Buy. I tell him that I'm available any time they need me and that I'm really excited to meet the managment team. He then asks, "Can you come in tonight at 6?"

I agree and jump in the shower. I put on my best suit, prepare some notes, and go to the Best Buy. I am an hour and a half early and I am told to sit by customer service and wait for the manager to come get me.

Two and a half hours later this little dude walks up to me and asks if I'm Pi. He leads me into another room with an even smaller man sitting behind a desk. This small guy looked like he was about 11 and a half years old and the smaller man was about 55. I sat down and we immediatly started the interview. I went through my history from my high school leadership positions through my professional sports success all the way to my management experience and training as a sales/customer service professional with various reputable corporations.

"Looks like you've had 3 jobs in 3 years... what's up with that?"

My face went red. This wasn't embarassment though... this was rage. I took a deep breath and was about to say "Are you fucking kidding? You're a fucking minimum wage electronics wholesaler who is lucky if the people on the schedule ever even come back let alone come in on time and I'm a fucking professional who's giving you the steal of a lifetime. If you lure me in as an 'associate' it will be the best fucking move of your career." What I did say was "Well, one company folded and the other two didn't pay me. I was shooting for the stars and that hasn't changed. What HAS changed is my approach. I still want to be a C level executive with a major corporation, but now I am poised to do so with a level of security... aka a paycheck for my services while I prove that I'm the best employee you could ever hire."

bla bla bla...

I get hired on the spot. Orientation is that Saturday. Keep in mind that the two guys who interviewed me weren't six feet tall if one was sitting on the other's shoulders and would tip the scales in that position at about 150lbs. Also remember that my interview was on a Wednesday and that I was set to start 3 days later. The final piece to the puzzle is that if I'm wearing shoes I am over 6'5", I weigh about 335lbs, have a shaved head and a beard.

Saturday morning, 8AM, Best Buy. Orientation starts at 9, so I brought along a cup of coffee to drink in the parking lot, listened to the radio for a bit and went in. The store opens at 10. You want to know why I know that? Well, the smaller man who interviewed me saw me standing outside... exactly where he told me to stand when I showed up... a half hour before I was supposed to be there... on the day he told me I would be starting my illustrious career at Best Buy... and this is what he says to me:

"THE STORE OPENS AT 10."

"uh... I'm here for orientation."

"What's your name again?"

"Pi (my real name is just about as obscure)"

"... uh... OK? Well... just wait here."

9AM rolls around and me and two other guys are standing in the doorway waiting for orientation. One guy is a contractor who translates things from Japanese to English and vice versa who is working part time to make a few extra bucks. The other is a med school student who is coming on part time.

Orientation consisted of the 3 of us sitting with the store manager, going over policies, watching a shitload of corny ass videos about the history of Best Buy and where the store is planning on improving, and then some question and answer time.

Four hours later and the store manager and I have hit it off big time. I knew him in his past life as a manager at Mc Donalds... but he didn't remember me. He was impressed with how I communicated during our time together and it was actually a really enjoyable 4 hours... shockingly. As it turns out I actually coached against his son when I was coaching basketball. It was too good to be true... a real in with the store manager who makes pretty much every decison... this was going to be great.

Then the larger of the two tiny guys walks in. He gives us our schedules for the next 2 weeks. Over the course of two weeks both part time guys got 60 hours total... and I... the full time guy... got 60 hours total.

I asked the little guy, "is 30 hours a week about the average?" He looked at me with a puzzled look and talked into his headset (all managers wear these... they are attached to walkie talkies that they talk into all day) "Smaller guy, can you come to the training room please?"

Pi: "You don't really need to call Smaller Guy in... it's really not a big deal. I was just under the impression that full time was 40 hours."
Him: "You need to have this conversation with the Smaller Guy."
Pi: "Seriously, it's NOT a big deal... in fact... nevermind. I'm sure it will all work itself out"
[enter Smaller Guy]
SG: "What seems to be the problem?"
Him: "Pi wants to know what the average hours are for full time guys."
SG: "Why?"
Him: "He expects 40 hours a week."
Pi: "Actually, it's not a big deal. I was just under the impression it was 40... don't sweat it at all. I"ll see you guys on Monday."
SG: "If you're going to be a fucking problem and you're going to be complaining that you want more hours then don't come back... YOU'RE FIRED!"

I went to the A&P and used change I cashed in at the bank to buy myself some whiskey. I sat and drank for a few hours in silence. Then I started making phone calls. I called my parents... my mother cried. My father didn't say anything. This was my chance to finally make a little scratch and get "somewhat" on my feet. I live on my own, but I have barely made anything since I moved out and it really seemed like the only people who sent me mail were lawyers who were trying to scare me into paying the money I'd let slide for almost a year.

I decided that I was unhirable. I was going to tear up my resume and stand on the corner with the illegals in my town to make some money. If I got evicted I'd just move home and start at McDonalds or something.

I drank quietly until I felt the tears coming... then I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I never really openly wept, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes no matter how much whiskey I used to make myself forget. Eventually I passed out. I got so drunk that when I finally came to I couldn't walk without holding onto the wall and slept most of the next day.

I woke up with a sense of peace. I had given up. I was not meant to be succesful and I wasn't ever going to be happy. I made up my mind that I was going to get a job. I was going to find an hourly job doing SOMETHING no matter how shitty or how dead end it was going to be and just get working. If I couldn't find anything I had two choices: 1. Join the Army. 2. Move to a cheaper state where I could make minimum wage digging ditches and survive.

"Please reply so I know you didn't hurt yourself"

That was the final line of an email I got from my mother. She was conviced I had killed myself because I wasn't answering my phone for a couple days. Little did I know that she had been calling everyone and telling them to get in touch with me immediately because she was certain I was dead.

I replied and told her I was OK because I have come to grips with the fact that I'm worthless and that I just need to make enough money to have fuel in my truck to get back and forth to work so that I can die pennyless and alone many years from now. I said I had made the decision that I don't want to have a family because I will never earn enough to raise a child the way they should be raised. I was never going to get married because I'd never be able to make anyone else happy as a dead beat piece of shit. I finished by saying that once you give up hope you can finally have happiness. Once you no longer can reach the stars you're happy on the ground and that I'm going to be OK in my own way even that's nowhere near what I had planned.

Then I get a TEXT MESSAGE from my mother "PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE." I didn't even know she knew text messages existed. The phone rings, I pick it up, she tells me that she wants me to go to the doctor. She said "You are dark and mean. Everyone who cares about you can't stand you and I know that's showing in your interviews. Even if this is only a temporary solution to get you a job, I want you to seek help."

Success By Better Medicine

I meet with the doctor. I tell him everything I'm feeling. He prescribes me two pills. Lunesta for my inability to sleep and Lexipro for my "depression."

Afterwards my mom took me to the food store to get me some grub to last me a couple weeks.

I went home, put away the groceries, and downed the first pill. I stood over the sink full of dirty dishes and felt the water hit my stomach and immediately felt worse. I was one of THEM now. I CAN'T handle myself so I get a doctor to give me pills to make me better. I'm even more worthless than I though...

30 minutes later I feel something new. I sit back on the couch and just focus on it. It was a feeling of peace... but this time it didn't come with a side of self hatred. This time it was just peace. I took my sleeping pill and went to bed.... and slept. Deep... restful... 8 hour... SLEEP. I woke up and took my second pill. I called my mother to tell her how I felt... because I felt...

good.


Right Foot in Front of Left Foot

At this point my head was right. I was able to think clearly and be rational about things for the first time in a long time. Things didn't seem impossible. The first things I focused on were just simple things... doing the dishes... eating 3 meals a day... showering every night... brushing my teeth every morning... just a whole bunch of shit that I simply didn't give a shit about for so long that I was only doing all of them enough to stay alive and beyond that, neglecting them to the extreme.

Then came the job search again. I had the list of jobs from the paper and was going to go through and get one.


The first job I applied to, and one of 2 that I actually was hoping would come through was to a port that was looking for a manager. A week into my pills I get a call from an HR guy who brings me in for a pre-interview interview. It goes well, but a month goes by and not a word from the real interviewer.

I had a few other leads that would end up in 25 to 30k jobs doing things I wasn't really interested in doing, but I was putting them off in hopes of one of the 2 jobs working out. My folks were riding me hard to just do something and get working and the bills just kept coming in... but I wasn't so overwhelmed anymore. I felt better, was sleeping, eating, and feeling like I could actually handle all this.

I get an email from the other job I wanted saying "thanks, but no thanks."

And then, by chance, my father tells his neighbor how much I want this job I'm applying for at the docks. Turns out he knows a guy who works there and passes on my resume. Even more supprisingly, the guy calls me. Turns out he's a big time mover and shaker with the company and passes my resume on to the hiring manager... who just happens to be the dude who runs the whole port. I still can't believe the friend of a friend of my father's CALLS MY CELLPHONE and talks with me for a while about the job.

He told me that no resumes had been sent to them by the HR team but that I should be hearing from the manager when mine makes it down there. Depressed Pi would have just sat there and waited... medicated Pi called the damn HR department looking for answers. Then he called the port to make sure they had followed through... and then called HR again to see if it went through... then called the port to make sure it worked out like he said... and then called HR to thank them for their help... and then finally... CALLED THE BOSS AT THE PORT TO PRETTY MUCH DEMAND AN INTERVIEW ASAP.

He liked the way I went about all this and brought me in the next day. It was the single most professional interview I had ever been a part of and during this search I went to over 100 interviews. He told me I'd hear back from the company by Wednesday (it was Friday).

Everything about this company made me intimidated. It was so professional, so organized, so important a job, EVERYONE seemed so happy and so focused, everything was what I wanted to be. The interview went so well and it all felt like a dream. I went home knowing I wasn't going to get it, but happy I got so close. It just felt good to be considered by such an amazing company and when the call came that said I didn't get it, I'd be satisfied with how close I was actually able to fly to the sun before my wings gave out.

Monday afternoon I get a call from the boss who tells me they'd like to send me a formal offer. Not only that, but the offer was for more than double any other job I'd went after. Benefits, pention, perks, I can't even get into everything at once. Just the perfect job at the perfect time with the perfect company in the perfect location. Perfection.


My Stars in The Darkness

Friday marks the 1 month mark at my new job. I'm allready receiving praise from my boss and the people around me. I'm doing such a good job and loving every second of it. I couldn't have designed a better carreer if I had a million years to do so. What's more important is that I sat down and thought about the things that I had all along that made the worst time of my life worth remembering.

My family. I couldn't have a better family if I got to pick them myself. I love my immediate family more than I could ever say and I could not be more thankful for all they've done and continue to do for me... but my extended family is also a blessing that I cannot overstate. They've been just as supportive as my immediate family during these hard times and I don't think I could have done it without them.

My GIRLFRIEND. Last I posted I was just meeting "Dork" who is now my girlfriend... and I'm in love. I recently told her that I loved her and she couldn't wait to tell me the same. We are inseperable. She stood by me and listened to the endless complaints about this or that... dealt with me not even having enough money to get to her place... me being a depressed asshole... everything... and she loves ME. Not only is she an awesome person, but she's beautiful. The more I am around her the more I can't take my eyes off her. I haven't ever been in a relationship like this one. She is supportive, kind, an amazing listener, has great input on pretty much everything, knows when I just need to vent and when I need to hear her voice, is responsible... I could go on forever... I just need to say again.... I am in love with her and it feels amazing. We've been together since late August and I don't have any complaints. In fact, I can never say enough about her or her contribution to my happiness. I wouldn't trade her for the world and the fact that we met when I was a piece of garbage and she still loves me for who I am makes it so much better to be with her now that I'm getting my life together and actually have the money to treat her like she deserves.

My friends. They all rock. They will stand by me forever and understand my ecentricities (spelling?). I can't even begin to thank them enough for being so awesome... but they know that, and that's the way it always will be. I'd take a bullet for any one of my friends and I know they'd all do the same for me.

Dolphin Rape

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/167/390908012_ee25c975f2_o.jpg

Very fast update. Things are changing for me and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. PG is a flake... lost interest in her because it's too much hastle and too much aggrivation to even get in front of her let alone have an actual relationship. CG and I haven't spoken in a week and a half... even though I really like her... why? Because things are going FAMOUSLY with Dork! I hate using "!" to end a sentence, but holy shit am I happy with her.

I don't know, but I think this is a really good thing that's going to last longer than a few dates. We spent last Saturday together, I couldn't wait until the weekend to see her again, so we had dinner on Wednesday, and then we spent all day yesterday (Saturday) together. I'm so excited about this one it's scary.

The new job is rocking and rolling. I don't even know if I explained anything about it before... I'm totally lost in my blogging timeline, but it's awesome. I still haven't really been paid, but it's going in the right direction. It's related to construction, so with all the "30 days" and "90 days" that are involved with payment it's going to be a while before I see money, but once the first check comes in then it's all down hill forever. And yes, I mean FOREVER. This will be my last career... all I need is time to get the ball rolling and I'm good to go for life. How's that for end game thinking?

OK, that's it... Dork rules, she hearts the shit out of me, my job is good, and my attitude has 180'd big time...

fuck you,

Pi

http://drphilbooze.ytmnd.com/

Click that real quick... I'll wait for you right here...

OK, so here we go. I went out with my buddy McD tonight. He was in town and wanted to hang out before he went back home to the shore so cousin fil picked me up and we went to our favorite dive bar. It's got a jukebox... and the fact that we can play our own music makes it worth the walk across town (or the ride across town if it's pouring rain like tonight).

Thursday nights are $2 Blue Moon drafts... which I've never had before tonight... and are quite delitious... let's just say that "maybe" fil was driving and people kept buying him beers that he wsan't going to drink... and let's make believe I "chugged" them because fil didn't want to drive drunk. Let's also imagine that people wanted to watch me chug because I'm "frighteningly fast" at chugging...

Well... I'm heavily buzzed.

My problem right now, and why I wanted to come on here and post something, is that I like one girl and am falling super hard for another one.

Let me back track a little bit and explain where the problem comes in. Last Friday CG and I hung out in her neck of the woods... which is about 45 minutes away from where I live... and stayed out until about 5am. I had worked all day and was so tired that I really didn't want to drive home. The week before was the same thing and she sent me on my way, but I figured this time I was simply too tired and would ask her if I could crash on her couch. She said that I could definately stay over and I did. As I was preparing for a night on the couch she came out of her room and said, "you know, you can sleep with me in my bed if you'd like... you don't have to sleep on the couch." Of course I agreed... it was the better choice. We made out a bit and then moved to her bed where we made out some more, but that's as far as it went. The next morning I wake up and get things going again. I do really like her, so I just enjoy kissing her, so that's what I did. I moved to a position on top of her and was kissing away when the question was asked... and I'm not talking any question... THE question... "Do you have any condoms?" "No." In that split second I had to make the moral decision between having sex with CG or not and I chose "no." Of course I knew there was a chance of that coming up over the course of the night. Of course I had enough money and time to pick up a nice 3 pack of condoms before I went up there. Of course the thought crossed my mind... so why didn't I?

Because I've been talking to Dork. We've been talking on the phone every single night. I've been talking to her for hours and I'm falling for her hard. She's everything I'm looking for when it comes to intelligence, opinion, contribution... everything... but I haven't met her yet. She's also a virgin who's waiting until marriage for sex because of "the fear of pregnancy" and "the fear of the loss of the connection she'd feel." We have an amazing connection allready and I haven't even met her yet. I'm meeting up with her on Saturday. I'm terrified because I REALLY like CG, but I like Dork more. CG wants to have sex, but because I'm not sure what's going to happen with Dork I don't want her to take that step with me yet. If I had sex with her last week and then ended up falling for Dork in person as well as over the phone and had to end things with CG then I'd feel awful for doing what I did. Sure, I'm a sexually obsessed pig who can't look at a girl between the ages of "18" and 65 without picturing the chick naked... but I simply don't like hurting people. I knew that was a part of dating multiple chicks at once, but I never imagined I'd like them both so much.

The other problem I'm having is that it seriously might come down to looks. CG and I have a ton of the same interests. She loves the cartoons I love... watches the shows I watch... makes the jokes I make... everything. She's just not as attractive as Dork... as far as I know. Dork is as smart as I am. She understands everything I say without me having to simplify or explain. She's interesting and actually contributes to conversations. CG does too, but just not in the same way. If Dork is better looking... then I'm going to have to pick Dork... but that's such a shitty reason. CG has a better sense of humor and Dork has a better intellect... but they even out and it's going to be dependant upon looks? What kind of shallow asshole makes that decision? Me. That's the one. I'm torn... big time... and I don't want to hurt CG or Dork. I will date them both for a while, but with how far CG is willing to go, I don't know how long that will last. If I don't have condoms the next time I hang out with her she'll probably get them herself. That means I can probably hang out with CG two more times before I'm having sex with her... max... which should be a good thing, but I know how sex messes with your head. I would hate for her to think that I stayed with her just to put a knotch on my belt and then moved on.

Tomorrow night I don't have any plans and am wrestling with hanging out with a girl who I saw a long time ago. She's kept in touch with me and wants to hang out again... and loves the cock. If I see her it will be just because I'd like to have some fun, but that would go against everything I am. I do actually like her too, but she moved after I met her and she's now about... oh... an hour and a half away. She'd make a great "friend with benefits", but she'd be an awful girlfriend due to the distance. If only I knew how to make that "Friends with benefits" conversation work... oh well... I probably won't call her because I'll feel guilty as I'm dialing the numbers... but I probably "should."

OK, I just wanted to drop in and say something. The job is going very well, btw. I haven't made any money yet, but I'm moving rapidly in that direction. I should be paid something soon. Once that first sale actually goes through I'm going to feel awesome... but I feel pretty amazing right now as it is. I'm happy and relaxed... that hasn't happened in forever. I think it's because I have a few girls in my life that I really like and a career that is going places... but it could just be because I don't care about failure anymore. Who knows?

Goodbye, fuck face.

I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I have no problem running head long into a buzz saw knowing it's going to be a long and difficult fight for whatever it is that I want, but when there are choices involved... I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I start to wonder how my brain works that I can walk in with a smile knowing it's going to be a brutal day/week/month/year but choices and decisions freak me out.

Here's what's up.

I started my new job yesterday. Today I have the day off because my boss is out of town for the day and didn't have shit for me to do on my own seeing as I don't know shit yet. That's the whole company. Big Tom... and me. That's it. He's made it clear if things go well that I will take over the company in a max of 6 years. This is a company that put 3 kids through college, bought a beautiful house with a 4 car garage, kept his wife from ever working, and gives him enough money to really be happy. Big Tom likes to call it "fuck you money," but that's just because I've probably used that phrase in his presence too many times. I've switched to "publicly making fun of jews money." Seems to be the more appropriate reference for the times. Once you have enough money to get out in public... on tv... and smash the jews... that means you're super rich.

Big Tom is basically my dad. I've lived at his house for a decade, I call his wife "mom," his son is my best friend, and I've even brought one of his daughters to the prom. I'm part of the family... and now he's my boss and offering up his company if things work out.

I just wrote out another check for 60% of last month's rent which will completely clear my account... again. Yesterday, Big Tom and I made a sales call to a hedge fund in the city and he's going to assign me that account... which is aprox a $3,500 payday for me when they sign the contract... and they will. They want to have the project completed by Nov 1... and we're the first step of said project, so hopefully they get to signing papers soon. That entire check will have to go to rent. That will clear my debt with my land lord... or at least come very very close. There are a couple other projects he's going to "assign" to me so I have a little cash and tomorrow I start actually making sales calls.

Big Tom asked me if I have a priority with my bills and I did, but not concrete, so I made one up. He says that will help me feel better as I'm making money. That once I can scratch debt off the list line by line that I will have a better view of how I'm doing until I start putting money in the bank that doesn't need to come out in 30 days. It goes as follows: RENT, couch, suits. Everything else is up to date, but the next debt to be paid off will be my truck payments and then college loans. It's only going to take me about 10,000 to get my actual late and necessary debt paid off. Once that's over with I'll be making the obligatory cell phone payments, gas, and small monthly sub stuff like EverQuest... what a loser.

Anyways, this post is drifting away. Back on track. So, why did this amazing opportunity scare me out of my sleep patterns? It's just that it's so good and I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up. I have a choice in the matter too which is going to make me look bad regardless of what I choose. I decided I'd work part time at a package carrier to get myself some bucks, but after thinking about it, I don't want to. It's from 6am to 9am t-f and 6am to noon on Saturday. I need to be on top of my game at Big Tom's so I can build a true career... I can't be fucking around delivering packages for 3 hours a morning for like 200 bucks a week. It just won't get me anywhere. I was out in the city for like 4 hours yesterday and made myself 3,500 bucks. Sure, that one was a gimmie and I didn't say anything or do anything, but I got to see how this all works and it's really not hard. The choice to not work for the package carrier is going to piss off my folks because they know how badly I need some loot. I just don't see beating myself up as the best way to get it. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be in the hustle for real. I've made this decision and it's scary.

It's scary because I could be laughing about every questioning myself in a few months or sitting in my parents' living room reading the want adds kicking myself for not delivering packages to make a few extra bucks. It's also scary because I don't know what I'm doing and it's clear that this industry is simple, but only after you know what you're doing. For instance, yesterday the client goes "We want this whole room to be viewed by cameras... what do you think? 4?" Big Tom says, "Nah, you're going to need at least 6." "OK." If he had said he wanted 4 cameras to me, I would have just wrote that down and been done with it. Later, Big Tom explained why he needed more and it made sense. The simple way to put all this jive is that once you have a basica understanding of how everything works you can talk about it very easily. It's not like every situation is new and complicated. It's all just understanding the basics. I don't know shit, but I think I'll learn quickly. I'm just so scared that this will fall apart in front of my eyes somehow and this opportunity of a lifetime... to be my own boss... run my own multi million dollar company by 30... live a wildly sucessful life on my own terms... and enjoy my time with a family who's as close as my own... and I'll only have myself to blame. Big Tom is doing everything he can to get me going. If I fuck this up, it's all on me. And that is nerve wracking.

Would it be better if I just accepted a position at a retail location or I went and delivered packages for a decent wage? I mean, if I was making 30 grand a year I could whittle my bills down and in a year or two be debt free. I could save a few bucks here and there and work my 40 hours a week. It sure would be a lot less pressure... and I'd know what I'm going to earn... but is that what I want?

"Want" is a stupid feeling. I don't like wanting things. It clouds the thinking. I should be making choices based on the facts and what is best for me at this specific moment... but I can't. For instance, there are two girls in my life right now that can basically be called "Safe Choice" and "Challenge." The safe choice is Cool Girl... the challenge is Dork. I knew Cool Girl first and have been out with her a few times now. Dork is a very slow mover. She's better looking, smarter, more intreguing, but much more difficult. Cool Girl is just that... she's cool. I like hanging out with her and the last time we hung out we made out a bit. Dork is probably weeks away from a lunch. I think I just need to type out pros and cons.

Cool Girl:

Pros: Fun, makes me laugh, easy going, and easy to read. She likes me and wants to chat just about every day. If I call her she'll answer. She likes to make plans for the next meeting at the end of the previous date. Her intentions are clear... she wants to date me (so far).

Cons: She lives about 45 minutes away by car. There is mass transit to get to where she lives, but I'd have to drive an hour to get to the switching station that would bring me that way. She's overweight and not all that attractive. She's lost a ton of weight in the past year and hasn't exactly "snapped back" yet. Her chest is small compared to the extra baggage she's carrying. She is a decent kisser, but not spectacular... and for some reason I put that here in cons... I expect perfection!

Dork:

Pros: Smart as hell, funny, hasn't been jaded by attention, somewhat "librarian hot," has red curly hair (my favorite), lives in the city (also 45 minutes) but would rather live in the suburbs, very pretty, tall, in great shape. She has that "challenging" factor even though it's not like other girls that are just difficult. She's just very cautious but obviously interested. "Corruptable" is not the best way to put it... I'd say she's not as numb to the crazy shit I do and would enjoy the hell out of herself. Isn't against being spontaneous and fun, but wouldn't do it on her own. I think I'll have a fucking amazing time with her. Cites a "high sex drive." Not used to the attention "I'm not used to persistant attention from a guy." Reminds me of every girl I've ever had a serious crush on in my whole life. Super smart, nerd beautiful, fun but over cautious.

Cons: Virgin. "waiting until marriage" because "couldn't enjoy sex outside of marriage with the fear of pregnancy." Also cites "personality" for a reason why she has chose to not have sex. She's only 22, so it's not like she's been around the block (so of course I think I can turn her). Not used to the attention (pro and con... will make things interesting but difficult). So nervous about things. If that's talking via emails, AIM, phone, in person... everything's going to be like pulling teeth. Will probably be a lot of BS attached with every step of the way, but so far a little effort has smoothed things out. I won't know if she's the valid choice for a relationship for quite some time. I FORGOT THIS ONE BUT IT'S FUCKING HUGE: She's friends with my ex... the one that broke my heart and ruined my life. They work in the same industry and hang out about once a month for a "girls' night."

So, now I have a decision to make... and it's not between these two. Remember, PG is still flaking out and then calling me to make sure I'm still interested and then flaking out and comin back over and over and over. I will try to fuck her before things get too far out of favor with her, but it's so damn difficult with her. There is another girl "Actor Girl" who gave me her number last night and another girl who asked if I'd like to meet her for drinks on Friday... which I had to decline because I'm going to a party with CG. I'm not sitting on my hands here, but so far the one I'm most interested in is the one that's going to move the absolute slowest. PG will be in and out of my life and hopefully will give some sexual release, CG will be a constant and looks to want to keep things moving forward at a steady pace, AG seems like she might be a great choice, but so far it's not magnetism, and the drinks girl is 28 and acts like I'm 12 because I'm the first guy she's ever dated who's younger than her... by 3 years... so I just want to meet up with her to meet her... no feelings at all there either. All the while... there's Dork. She's the one I want as of today... and I have no idea how long it's going to be before we even meet in person let alone get things moving in the right direction.

The choice to be made is how far to go with CG (seeing as that's in the works) how much stock to put in Dork, how many other girls to go out with, what to say/do with them, etc. What's hard is that I went from zero chicks to like 6 that I'm dealing with. So far everything's been cool. Girl With a C is just out of the picture. I'm not about to beg anyone for their company, but that doesn't make shit easier. There are only really 2 nights a week to go out with someone that lives outside of town and there are like 6 chicks I'd like to give a whirl before whittling down to the one I'd like a relationship with. In fact, I need to get out with all of them so they can decide if they like ME or not. No use stressing over which to pick until you have a clear picture of your actual choices. I could pick Dork and tell all the other girls to take a hike and then Dork could be like "lol beat it." I could go out with the "Thinks She's Old Girl" and she could hate me. Who knows?

I guess the only REAL choice right now is what to do with CG. She likes me and I like her, but there are just other girls I think I could like much more, but I don't KNOW that. My whole "dating more than one girl" post is very easy in theory, but that theory doesn't take into account that every girl has her own time table. CG isn't a sleep around kind of girl. She hasn't even touched my man weapon and we've made out twice now. I don't know how significant it will be for HER when she finally does and if I will be breaking her heart if I chose someone else.

It's really hard to be ready to hurt someone. Especially someone you do like. I am going to have to be careful with CG to not get too close until I'm sure but also to stay close enough to not fuck myself twice by not choosing another girl and not having her there.

I've chatted with Dork for a couple days in a row on the... just had to add another con... computer and she's really fun to talk to. I seriously really like her a lot. I really want to meet her and see how things go because she's exactly what I'm looking for... besides the whole "virgin" thing and the "I'm friends with your ex... lol." Last night we talked for the first time over the phone and it was awesome. I enjoy talking with her sooo much. I don't know what to do, but I allready have such a crush on her.

I'm not even sure 100% what the fuck I'm trying to say in this post. I guess it's just that the future is so uncertain right now... and I'm talking immediate future as well as long run stuff... that it just weighs on me. I am a worrier by nature and it's really hard for me to relax when I know how much shit is going on around me that I can only half controll. If I had no controll or if I was in total control I'd feel so much better, but it's like I can only cast my line and walk away. The rest is up to chance and it makes me seriously physically ill... I just want to sleep again.

My first and last temp assignment ended today. I was in the purchasing department for a physical rehab clinic with an awesome guy named G. G and I would work together every day to keep inventory numbers up, stock nursing carts, deliver packages, stock deliveries, etc. Well, G had to take a day off on Tuesday. To insure the purchasing department continued to purchase as usual, he had a woman come down from another branch of this clinic to fill in for him while he was gone. He assured me that she knew what she was doing and everything should work to plan.

Late in the day on Monday G tells me that we should break down some boxes because we have a shitload to do. I tell him "I want to save them for tomorrow. If I hate this woman I want to have stuff to keep me busy so I can avoid her."

When G came in on Wednesday he saw 3 neatly stacked piles of flat boxes that were sorted by size and kept within a few inches of each other and no full open boxes anymore. In fact, the whole warehouse was spotless.

I got in at 8 and this chick was sitting in the very corner of the office behind a table she pulled as tight to the wall as she could. On top of the table was a laptop... that she didn't move from all fucking day.

This job is a 2 person job. There's no reason to have 3 and 1 isn't enough. I made about 32 trips throughout the day either delivering, stocking, or checking inventory while she sat there on her huge fat ass with the AC set to stun yelling in her stupid loud voice. If someone came in looking for something that couldn't be held with one hand she would leave me a note. If it was something useless and obscure like a form that we don't normally use she'd freak out and open hundreds of boxes looking for it and making a huge production out of the whole thing just to waste time. Not only would she freak out about how important this need for pink envelopes was, but she would run around bad mouthing G and making it clear that once she's here things would actually be organized so emergencies like this don't happen... OVER PINK ENVELOPES!

I came back from 2 straight hours of stocking nursing carts (which normally takes G and I about 30 minutes) and there is a note where I sit. "Med Records needs 1 box of paper. Thanks."

"Who put this note here?"

"I did."

"Why?"

"Medical Records called about an hour ago and asked for a box of paper."

"And they still need it?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't bring it down yet lol."

I felt myself starting to black out and get into killing mode, but it was almost lunch time so I figured I'd just suck it up, get things done, and never see her again. It wasn't like I wanted to sit and chat with her. Not only was she useless, but her personality was about as entertaining as throat cancer. I shut my mouth, got the paper, and dropped it off.

When I get back there's another note. "In-patient admissions needs 1 box of paper. Thanks."
To really understand how lazy this is you have to have an idea of where inpatient admissions is located in relation to purchasing. IT'S DIRECTLY ACROSS THE HALLWAY! She left me a note instead of putting one box of paper on the hand truck sitting right there and walking it less than 10 feet through 2 doorways.

I decided it was time to build a case against this piece of shit in case I had to use it. So, I ask her what she's doing on the computer.
"I'm connected to my office and I'm doing what I do every day... making sure we have enough things ordered to keep our inventory up."

"Oh, so you've got remote access?"
"Yes."

"That's cool."

Well, at about 3:30 the computer guy comes down and she's in the bathroom. I ask him what's up and he tells me, "She hasn't been able to connect to her office remotely all day and wants me to see if I can fix it."

This was playing out like a fucking sitcom. I had everything I needed allready, but I wanted to see if she'd help me in the afternoon after she sat in the AC playing fucking minesweeper all day while I'm sweating my ass off running shit all over the clinic. Afternoon stocking time comes and she's still sitting there. I look at her and go "you going to help stock the carts?" "I can help you." Wow, she's going to help. Maybe I should have just asked in the morning. Well, she was going to "help" if by "help" you mean go "I don't know where anything is, so you find it, but I'll let you know what you have in your hand when you put it on the hand truck." I was now at my breaking point and she was following me around saying "that's a trach kit" "That's a drainage bag" etc etc. I finally turned to her and say "you know what, I think I've got this under controll."

I'm running around and I'm not done at 4pm. I get back to take another load of supplies out to the floor and she pops out of nowhere and supprises me. "Time to go home. Lock up." "East wing still needs some things." "I don't care. Lock up. It's after 4pm for christ's sake."

I decide that instead of putting her in intensive care and finishing my job I'd leave and just hope they wouldn't run out overnight. At least she was gone.

Thursday morning I walk in and see G sitting at his computer, but to my horror, she's back in her tight little corner with her laptop... huge disguisting fat ass and all.

You've got one more day, Pi... just shut your mouth, ignore her, and get through this.

She leaves for lunch exactly at 11am and G lets me know that she comes down on Tuesday and Thursday most weeks because she's going to be working there full time when the addition they are building is finished. I don't get it. G is an awesome materials manager. He gets shit done, he does it fast, everyone likes him, and he doesn't mind doing the work himself at all. He's fun to work with and he's a really nice guy. This bitch comes down to West and she's going to do what? Be G's boss. I am mortified. She has no business even having a job let alone being G's boss. Not only that, but she's postured herself into a position where if things go wrong she can blame them on G or Bob (the guy I'm filling in for) and if things go right, she can take full credit without doing a single fucking thing. She can sit there and occupy her time making mole hills into mountains, emailing her friends, and playing solitare, but if things aren't done right, she can say it was G's fault. There's no way for her to be exposed as a waste of air because she doesn't do shit and the people around her don't need her there, so they don't go out of their way to call her out. Also, if there are plenty of supplies in the carts... why even ask what everyone does every day? She is a leach on the ass of a well run department and somehow got herself above the people that do all the work.

I was so upset I wanted to just kick down the VP of HR's door and tell him everything. I wanted to just blow up her spot, pump G up, let him know exactly how the department looks from the outside and make things right. I walked out there to talk to him... and he had gone on vacation until after I'm gone.

Now I'm upset AND frustrated.

I get back to purchasing and sit down and start chatting with G while he's going over invoices for the day. Unfortunately, it's all done on the computer and it's complicated, so there really isn't anything I can do to help, but it's pretty mindless for G, so that's normally when we talk about things like the history of Ethiopia, role of women in a relationship, why I can't understand Jamaican people when they talk to each other but can understand them fine when they talk to me, etc. It's a fun time of the day.

Well, our shady vendor who doesn't wear socks comes down with only half of what he was supposed to deliver and starts trying to smooth things out before anyone even realizes that he doesn't have the stock we need. I bust his balls a bit and he goes "well, look at you all comfy with your chair reclined and your feet up. Good thing I don't lounge all day or you guys wouldn't have shit." He was joking and we both laughed. Then I hear that cunt drop some line about me being lazy from behind me and I flip the crazy switch.

"What did you just say?"

"I said, good thing G's here, Lazy."

"OK, well, I used to analize business on profitability and expenses in my previous life and I'd like to say that you are the most expendable, worthless, useless, employee of any company I've ever audited for a client. Here's why. You intentionally pick a spot to sit where nobody can see your computer because you don't really do any work on that computer..."

"Excuse me??? I have remote access to my office and I keep inventory up in North! Thank you very much."

"Really? Then why did you call down PC services at 3:30PM on Tuesday? He told me you didn't HAVE access and that he wouldn't be able to restore it for a long time."

"wh... at?"

"Yeah, and on top of that you haven't stood up once to help a single person get anything done. You punch in at 8am on the nose, do nothing all day and punch out at 4 regardless of how much work is left to be done. Not only do you sit there wasting space all day but you don't even do the simple things that would help more than anything. If you had even walked around and taken down what was needed instead of watching me do that then I would have not had to run around all day taking notes, pulling boxes, delivering and redelivering. I'm not even asking for you to pick anything up. I'm saying carry a pen and paper around, take some notes, and tell me what's needed. You are in the purchasing department with the same job title as the rest of us, but you think because you're an old fat woman that you can sit there and act like you're better than everyone."

"I helped you pull stuff in the afternoon."

"You did? I seem to remember you talking shit about G and the way things are organized while you were looking around for packing tape. Then when I'd bring a box down you'd say 'oh, that is a box of underpads' and I'd say 'yes'."

"well... you wouldn't have found..."

"I did find everything. You did not pull one box the whole day. If you think I'm just ranting, I'd like to let you know that I will be in touch with your boss on Tuesday with a full written report assessing the purchasing department for extraneous expenses and job titles. Ken knows what I did before I was here. He will take any critique of the department to heart because he knows it's coming from a professional."

"but..."

"While I'm at it... you better get your shit together too, Vendor without Socks. I did a little research on my own this week and there are 17 other vendors that sell the same things you do that service our clinic's area. Some of them even offer them at lower prices. I'm sure they would enjoy our business... especially since we have 10 locations in this state and over 100 on the east coast. In fact, I bet if we told them we were out of lotion and warm pads on a Monday they most likely wouldn't waltz in here on Thursday and say 'Too bad!' and expect it all to be OK."

"..."

"People need to stop fucking around and expecting G to clean up your messes. There are 4 of us standing in this room right now. Two of us are very expendable. I hope I've made it clear which 2 you are. I will be submitting my report on Tuesday. I hope you all enjoy your long weekend... WU TANG!... bitches..."

I walked out of the office and I hear G laughing his fucking ass off coming out after me. He was like "where the fuck did THAT come from?" To which I replied "She thinks I'm a goofy temp that doesn't have a brain in my head. I had to let her know if she fucks with people around me that she's going to learn I'm the mother fuckin guns of the navarone. Just because I'm stocking shelves for a temp agency doesn't mean that I'm not a professional in my normal life. Fuck her... and fuck that vendor."

1 hour later we received 2 boxes of lotion and 4 boxes of warm pads. The useless hole couldn't look at me the rest of the day and there were a few times I was sure she was going to cry.

You got motherfuckin served.

OK, I've posted at length about the problem I've been having with online dating. The girls seem really cool and fun... but they are not attractive. To every girl who will read that first statement, label me shallow, and move on hating the ol 3.14... just give me a shot here. I don't think that's the case anymore. I just think I have no idea what the fuck I want out of a relationship. Well, my "heart" knows what I want... but my brain has no clue.

For instance, I thought I really had a good time and I thought the girls I had seen were really cool... but you know what? I don't think they were. They were polite and went along with my whacky fucking sense of humor, but were they really so cool?

I've been seeing this girl who is not "hot" by the traditional definition of the word. In fact, of her circle of friends (who I met) she is the least hot of them all. She's a bit overweight and it is not represented by large breasts and a big ass. She's "white girl chubby." Her ass is just about not there, her breasts are average at best. She's cute... but not hot by any stretch. I really don't want to paint her in a bad light, but you have to understand that when it comes to looks, she's the least hot girl I've ever dated (and by that I mean went out with more than once). She's the one I called "Cool Girl" in a previous post.

Well, Pretty Girl wants to hang out this weekend. She is having some money issues due to her insurance benefits being reduced as she's getting ready to go back to work and just wants to chill and watch a movie. What that means is that I'll pretty much travel into the city to attempt to have sex with her. She's got an awesome body. She's very pretty. She's fun to hang out with and she just "gets it" when it comes to a lot of things. On top of all that, this date she wants to have this weekend is just going to be sex. What the fuck else is there to do? Watch a movie, talk about it's merits, and part ways? She is very liberal in the sex department, so I'm sure she knows as well as I do if I go out there it's going to involve some sort of sexual contact.

I went out with Cool Girl on Wednesday. We had a great time. We met at my place and then took a walk into town for dinner. On the way back I blew any chance of her coming back to my place by being a clown. She mentioned some girl and I said "did you guys make out?" to which she said "no... lol" and then said "you know, you remind me of this guy I was great friends with in college..." "Did you guys have sex?" "No." "OK then... changing gears." DOH! Never make your intentions clear. Stupid Pi. It's not like I would have even made a move unless she was very clear in her desire for me to do so, but SAYING that you want to have sex with someone while you're walking back to his place really puts the decision in the parking lot... not in the living room where you WANT it to be made.

Date ended with a hug and us making plans for Saturday night at her place.

Pretty Girl wants to hang out too.

What's the problem? I'm not tied to either one of them. All I want is sex, right? Pretty Girl is much hotter than Cool Girl and wants to just hang out at her apartment where we will have all the time and privacy in the world. Last time I was there we got down and I stayed the night. So, if logic is correct, that would mean that I should make plans with Pretty Girl ASAP and go there with the sole intention of having sex with her because she's the hotter and more sexual choice.

Why doesn't it feel right?

(don't worry, I'm going to tie up this shit show soon)

Another girl has shown interest in the Pi Man. We're going to call her Dork. Dork is REALLY smart and loves dorky stuff like games and books... wants to write a book... works for a publisher in the city. She's a homebody who doesn't drink very often (says "a few times a year" in her own words) and would rather just dork out at home with friends than go out boozing. I fell for her the second I read her profile on eHarmony. She's got everything I'm looking for in a personality, but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get in front of her, so we'll put her out there for reference, but we'll leave it at that.

You know why it doesn't feel right? I'm more comfortable and more happy with Cool Girl than I am with Pretty Girl. CG is funny. She actually made me laugh. She brought up the question "why do lesbians like manly girls? Wouldn't you think they'd like pretty girly girls?" That has been my #1 question for YEARS! I've never heard a girl talk about anything like that. That was basically MY question in MY words. Her and I are basically a 85% personality match which is about as close as you can get. She laughs at my jokes, I laugh at hers. That's huge because I am normally disgusted by girls' attempts at humor. She actually had me laughing out loud (lol... lol). I really like her a lot and I can tell she likes me. It's a comfortable and happy place to be. I really like it and want to be around her even though her body is not what I'm used to and far from what I'm looking for. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER WITH HER. I don't care at all. I want to bang her just as much as I'd like to bang PG, but this is because I really like her and can deal with the body issues because I'm far from perfect myself and I'm happy with her.

She gives me the affirmation I need to be confident and comfortable in our interactions. PG does the exact opposite. She won't talk on the phone, she won't give me any indication of what she'd like from me. I don't even know what time of day she'd like to see me, but she has been trying to coordinate the weekend via text messages... which is impossible. If she'd call me up, act excited to see me, and be an active part of the planning process for this weekend I'd be estatic to see her, but that's not how PG rolls. She throws out shit that doesn't even let you know if she wants to see you and gives you no indication of what she'd like to do, when, where, etc. Only thing I know is she'd like me to come into the city and any day this weekend's fine.

I don't think I'm in this just for sex. I don't know how to have sex with random girls and I don't even like making out with girls I don't think I'll want to see again. I'm very sexually obsessed, but only in the context of a relationship. Once I'm comfortable with someone I will not be able to keep my hands off her, but when things are slow and just getting started I don't know how to do anything. I probably seem close to asexual when in reality all I'm doing is picturing what she'd look like after I dump a batch on her. It's this bizare irony I live. All I think about is sex, but I'm so uncomfortable with the reality that I don't know how to make the reality in my head and the reality in the world come closer together. I know if I try and fail I'll get more sex than waiting for the right time, but I just don't know how to go that way.

You chicks have it easy. All you have to do is throw signs until they're picked up. We have to be the ones reading your actions/words and trying to understand when the moment's right. You can even be forward and get things going without a lot of fear of the dreaded "what are you doing?"

I blame all of my problems with casual sex on my lack of sex outside of a relationship. I just don't know how casual sex works. To me, having sex is something you do at the perfect moment when the stars align perfectly with romantic music, candles, and all that stupid shit. After the first time I'll kick open a public bathroom door and bend you over the toilet, but until that first time... I'm such a pussy. I read a story on a blog a while back where a girl was regretful that she had lost her virginity to some random dude after a party in a dank basement. I would give anything to have lost my virginity to a girl who's name I didn't even know behind a dumpster somewhere so I don't have this fucking hangup I can't shake. I guess the best way to get out of this mentality is to put my head down and just plow forward with as many chicks as I can... like PG... until I'm used to it, but I just feel so awkward.

I had to call cousin fil today just to verbalize my issues with going out with PG this weekend. I really am looking forward to seeing CG and for some reason that is making me question whether I want to see PG before or after CG. My cock is saying "dude, get out there tomorrow night... get laid NOW!" and my brain is going "but if you fuck her tomorrow... you're not going to be able to feel comfortable with CG on Saturday... go out with her Sunday!" to which my cock replies "fuck that shit... she might turn Sunday into a daytime date and there is less of a chance of sex! No fucking way... Friday night it is." Brain hops in "Do you really think you'll be comfortable having sex with a girl you don't love? This would be a first." Cock, "sex sex sex sex... wait... you're right... and by right I mean sex." Brain, "dumbass." Cock, "Dumbass? Will you seriously be able to get PG's sweet tits and waxed box out of your head when you're with CG on Saturday? What if she's not that good looking naked and all you can think about is PG on Sunday? Wouldn't you rather get that out of the way on Friday?" Brain, "Yes... but still... I don't know... I'm calling cousin fil." Cock, "you're calling a dude when we're talking about pussy? Faggot." Brain, "fuck you, dude... I'm trying to work all this out so we can get along... just shut your pie hole."

Da cuz goes "See PG. If you have something to gain, do it. Don't worry about shit."

So now I'm sitting up wide awake at 2am because I'm concerned about what I'm doing this weekend. On top of that I basically blew off another chick who wanted to hang out because having 3 or 4 chicks on my plate is confusing enough and she's the least of the choices.

I haven't made a decision, but this is the actual point of this whole fucking post which I almost totally forgot. I dont' think the girls that I saw that were ugly but "had great personalities and everything I have been looking for outside of an awful body" really were that great. The second I met a girl I really DID enjoy who wasn't physically what I'm looking for I was all about her. I just am having a hard time telling the difference between acceptance and contribution. I'm not looking for someone who will put up with me. There are plenty of girls out there that are looking for companionship who find me funny. They will sit there and laugh at my stupid shit, be the other side of any conversation, and do things I enjoy... but you know what? There aren't a lot of girls who actually CONTRIBUTE to the fun. I don't need a groupie, I need a partner in crime. CG is a partner in crime. She's awesome. Even though she doesn't have a banging ass and a flat stomach... she's a huge turn on because she actually CONTRIBUTES to the fun instead of just experiencing the fun WITH me.

I'm going to go so far as to say she's opened my eyes to the truth. Well, her and Dork have. Those two girls are not the two hottest chicks I've met. PG, Girl with a C, and a few before I started writting this blog are all much more attractive than CG, but CG has something they don't... a personality that actually makes hanging out with her more fun than hanging out here just telling stories out to space. I think Dork will take it a step further when it comes to contributing, but I don't think she'll be as edgy as CG, so they are pretty much neck and neck in personality.

That leads me to another thing that I find awesome in a girl... super intelligence. That's a factor I never realized I was chasing. I LOVE girls who are as smart as I am or smarter. I hate having to tell stories and then explain 3 different parts of it because she didn't get it. I don't like being the only one bringing anything interesting to the table. I don't like when girls don't understand where things are coming from or can't follow a complex train of thought. I enjoy girls who are like top 5% of the intelligence scale. Common sense I hold constant because I wouldn't fuck around with someone who had absolutely no street smarts, but when a girl is street smart and has incredible book smarts it's most of the battle already. Dork and CG are both very smart. They are witty, get it, and bring shit to the table when it comes to intellectual conversation. That's been more of a turn on (in the terms of the long haul) than PG's perfect D tits. Of course, when she is in her little tank top with her nipples poking through it's extreme RIGHT NOW turn on... but when it comes to a relationship... the tits are great... but having a girl who knows that what I just said was a quote from Plato... that's so awesome.

So that's two new things I realized I'm looking for and a real reason why I feel that I'm not so shallow anymore. I THOUGHT those girls were cool, but they weren't. I was just looking for the wrong stuff. All I thought I wanted was patience, kindness, and acceptance when in reality i was looking for intelligence and contribution more so than anything else. When I find that, the looks and all the other bullshit goes out the window... the problem is I don't find it often.

oooh... potential plot twist. CG text'd me about an hour ago... but I didn't get the mother fucker because I had sent Cuz a txt that failed to send about 3 hours ago and i can't receive anything until I clear the message. "are you up?" "yes, what's up?" No response. I'm sure she's fast asleep. If this is a "I can't hang out on saturday..." well... that would clear shit up a bit... but be hilarious after I had this whole self realization because of her company.

Anyways... 2am is my breaking point. That gives me 5 minutes to be sleeping or I won't make it to my last day at my temp job. If I remember, I'll tell the story of how I fucking robo served this bitch at my job and also caught a deadbeat vendor in the collateral damage. Nothing like rattling my cage thinking I'm a goofy temp and realizing that you just drew the guns of the navarone. I actually can't wait to tell that story.

What a fucking question (I guess that's fuck proper as well as figuratively... lololol gimmie those ribs). I got this from a girl this weekend. I really dig her so far from our conversations via eharmony, but that question floored me. It was the first thing she asked me once we were out of structured communication and she worded it just like that. "How long are you willing to wait for sex?"

What the hell do you say to that? I said something like, "I don't put an expiration date on a relationship because of sex. It would be foolish to give up on a good thing because my sexual time table was different than the girl I'm getting to know."

I thought I did a good job, but let's take it a step further. Why was she asking me this question? Why was it the first thing she wanted to know? First thing that comes to mind is she is either a virgin or that she puts a specific time table on sex that is longer than what is traditionally accepted*. I do have a somewhat sexual slant on my profile. I make it clear that I want to meet someone who knows what she's doing and that girls uninterested in sex are things I "can't stand." She also mentioned that this is her first try at online dating and that she's only been on eharmony for about 2 weeks, so she might just think that all guys are looking for one night stands.

Of course, I think the worst... that she is the kind of girl who won't hold hands for a year and then will only do so with mittens on. I picture myself shaking hands with her after our 10th date and wondering why I'm on edge. I just don't think I can deal with THAT again. If I was 100% happy with a girl it would mean that she's open to all the stupid shit I do, is funny, patient, pretty, and an animal between the sheets. If I could bring a girl 4 wheeling, come home, clean up, have wild spider monkey on meth sex, and then play video games with her... well... I'd just give her half my stuff because she'd be my first ex wife one day. Take out any part of the perfection and you don't have a perfect relationship. If she's funny, pretty, but a zero in bed... that's not perfect. If she's wild in bed, pretty, but stupid... not perfect. You get the picture

Does that mean if a girl wants to wait a month or two before having sex that I throw her out of my life? Absolutely not. It does mean that I want to have sex... but WHEN is not really a concern. Shit... the last girl I dated seriously and I didn't have sex for almost 9 months. If I really care about a girl then I'm not going to freak out over sex... but I'm also not going to walk around with an iron bar in my skivies either. If she is cool with hooking up but doesn't want to be bent over the couch for a while... fine.

This girl is pretty, smart, funny, and is into all sorts of things that I'm into. She's a "one off" in looks... now that's not a bad thing... it's just that I don't picture her as a swimsuit model... I picture her as the hot librarian. Probably because she said in her words "here I am wearing my hot librarian glasses." She's not the stereotypical pretty girl but is very good looking none the less. She's one of the few girls I've met on eHarmony that really make me excited for our next communication... and probably the first that's made me so excited because of the actual content of her profile above and beyond her looks (which are great too). This is the kind of girl (if she turns out to be like I think she is) that I'd be 100% fine with even if she wasn't that great looking at all. I hope to have more intel on her this week.

So what happened to the Girl with a C? Exactly... NOTHING. I called her twice this week, sent her a couple text messages... nothing. I don't know how to handle her at all and I think this is her polite way of saying "thanks, but no thanks." I could be 100% wrong. Especially since I'm somewhat intimidated by how much I dig her and how good looking she is, but I'm just not fucking around anymore. I'm going to chase as much tail as possible and when the dust settles I'll have SOMEONE.

Pretty Girl is back in the picture. If you are new here, she's the one in the city who I went out with a couple times and after I spent the night at her place (hookup, no sex) she told me she was getting back with her ex only to break up with him 2 weeks later. She got back in touch with me via text messges, but when I asked "so, we going to hang out?" she stopped replying. I tried calling her 3 different times throughout the week to see what her deal was. Then a few days later I sent her an email that went like this, "Look, I can't read you. You break our 'thing' off to get back with your ex, you leave him, get back in touch with me, but I still have no idea if you want to see me again. I'd like to see you, but you don't answer your phone and when I asked you in text messages you didn't reply. Get back to me when you've made up your mind." She doesn't reply. Over the next week she leaves a bunch of comments on my myspace page. Then, on Friday, I met a couple real nice chicks that live in my building and while I was there they asked me for my myspace address. They both left me a ton of comments on Friday night and Saturday morning. Then I get a call from Pretty Girl.

She leaves a message like "Hey, it's Pretty Girl. Just wanted to say hi. Give me a call back." No content... but it's voicemail... what do you expect? I call her back and she answers the phone "Hey, I was just commenting on your myspace." I click back over and she's posted some picture with a clearly sexual message.

Pi: "So, how have you been?"
PG:"Good... you sure have a lot of chicks posting on your page!"
Pi: "Yeah, they're pretty cool. Met them last night."
PG: "really?"
Pi: "Yup."
PG: "small talk small talk small talk"
Pi: "return of small talk"

30 minutes later

Pi: "So, what's the deal?"
PG: "What do you mean?"
Pi: "Well, you got back with your ex as things were getting interesting between us, then broke up, got back in touch with me, but haven't given me an idea if you wanted to hang out again or not. I don't know how to read you."
PG: "If you wanted to hang out you should have called me!"
Pi: "humna humna humna (very confused. I tried calling 3 times, sent a few texts, and an email)
PG: "I am crazy, I know. I was down in the south for a week, bla bla bla my ex, bla bla bla"
Pi: "OK, so let's hang out this week sometime."
PG: "Definately. I'd like to see you again."


DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF!!!!!1

I tried everything outside of begging to get an indication as to her stance on our 'relationship' and she gave me NOTHING. Then she tells me if I wanted to hang out I should have called her? When I did call her three times? Bizaro.

Saturday night, as I'm getting ready to go out with another chick, I get a text message from Pretty Girl, "I like u." Holy mother of God... affirmation! She said exactly what she had to say to get me back interested... but what strange timing. I really am starting to think that she believed that I was moping around here with no other women in my life. Well... if you count women I'm having sex with then she's right... but I have 2 more girls to give updates about after this rant. I will make plans with her for some time this week... maybe during the week at my place... or over the weekend at hers... but I'm going to see her and I expect her to feel obligated to get me off one way or the other. Cross your fingers for sex, but who would turn down Krang?

The girl I was going to see when I got that text is Cool Girl. I don't really know what to call her, but I do think she's pretty cool, so that fits. She's fun to talk to, she's fun to hang out with, she "gets" it so far, and she's into me so far, so how could I say no? Well, she's not exactly what I'm looking for physically, but it's not like she's so far off that it's a blatent NO! She's a little short and a little chubby. Not that she's hangy gross fat, but she's got a little belly that's a little more than I'm used to. I still find her attractive... especially since she's so cool to talk to... so she's still in the mix. (I figured out the best way to define how I see attractive. It's a YES/NO thing. There are no levels of attractiveness. Either I am attracted or I am not. So when I say attractive that could mean anything from below average to extremely beautiful. When I say unattractive that means that she's not physically a turn on and that's a hard category to fall into because I find beauty in damn near every girl.)

I went up to her place to hang out in some bars in town with her last night and met a bunch of her friends. It was the first time her and I had hung out, so that was a little intimidating, but they had been out for hours when her and I showed up, so they were loose and fun to talk to by then. I actually got along really well with the boyfriends of her friends and the girls were just sort of there. I guess that's a decent start. When I left, the one dude was like "dude, you've got to hang out more often... well... I HOPE... (leans in) Cool Girl's a really good chick... I think you're going to really dig her." Funny part is that I agree. She's nowhere near as hot as Pretty Girl or Girl with a C, but her personality rocks. We left with a parting hug and I drove home... 4 beers deep at 4am. I normally don't even consider myself buzzed until I've had 8 or 10, but it was so late that alcohol wasn't helping due to the "tiredness" factor.

The downside is that she's never had a serious relationship. That fucking scares the shit out of me. She even mentioned trust issues, so there is going to be a bump in the road or two if things work out. She's also damn near an hour away... another bane of my existance. Why can't things work out with local girls? Wait! I know! It's because I'm a big ol country boy living in a foreign land. But that's another post.

Final girl I want to mention is one I didn't get to see this weekend. Don't crucify me for the name... but she's Big Sex. Her priority in the getting to know you process was to make it clear that she wants a guy that LOVES sex because she LOVES sex. She's not a bad looking girl, but from the pictures she selected it appears that she will be quite a bit bigger than what I'm looking for. She's tall and has a pretty face, but she's built big and is carrying some serious extra baggage. I was pretty much talking to her because she supprised the hell out of me with her responses to my questions, but she just isn't an exciting match. I figure going out with a girl you don't think you're going to want to date and ending up having sex with her is better than sitting here having sex with yourself and hoping to find a girl. Who knows? Maybe she's better looking than I'm guessing, but I'm a pro at picking out gross girls from very well framed pictures.

Final? LIES! I have 1 more. She's The Actress. Down home southern girl trying to make it big in the big city. Very tall, pretty girl who's been really fun to chat with thus far. She actually requested communication with me. That normally means just close it before you even take a look because she's 500lbs with one leg and one eye, but when I opened it up and realized she was good looking, talented, AND interested in me... I was pumped. We JUST made it to open communication tonight, so I'll get a chance to actually see how she behaves without training wheels in the next couple days. I couldn't figure it out, but something was missing from the equation. Why is she interested in me? What's so different about her? Something's got to be different... then it hit me. She's from the south! She's not a jaded piece of shit from the city who looks for 100lb guys with pink shirts and white belts... she's a country girl who appreciates a big old country boy. At least it makes sense when I think of it that way. When I visit my family in the country I'm always talking with random chicks. There is just a different perception down there. They like the lumberjacks that go dateless up here. Add in the fact that I speak with a mild northern accent (I still have the absolute slightest southern influence in my voice combined with the fact that I'm a trained singer... those two things basically slaugtered my accent) and they LOVE me. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a pretty little actress in my life. I'm feeling pretty confident that she will dig me and I'd like to eat her liver with some beans and a nice red wine.

And on that note... punching out.

*Traditionally accepted time table for sex is the perceived accepted time table for sex. I don't even know what that means. Maybe she feels that after 3 dates if you're not having sex that it's strange and she needs to point it out. Maybe she means 3 years. Who knows? Because there is no right and wrong when it comes to how long you wait before getting down it makes understanding what people have in their heads very difficult.

I'd also like to point out that putting specific qualifiers on sex trivializes the event. If you say "after 3 dates we can have sex" then what you're really saying is "I don't care who it's with, but if he buys me 3 dinners then I'll let him pump me a few times." Even if you say something like "I want to wait 6 months" then you're still saying that sex is something that must be earned through some sort of sacrafice and once that has been paid you can start getting down.

Sex is fun. If you bring home some random person from the bar for sex, then it's just a fun little activity you can't do alone that you both want to do at that specific time. When sex is in the context of a relationship, it should have more meaning. You should be able to either build up to or wait for the "right" time for you both. It shouldn't be something you see coming from the get go. There are some relationships I've had that were sexual from day one and others where it didn't feel right for a few months. It all has to do with your comfort level. Putting a price on sex, whether it's time, dates, etc is just making it into a transaction. I just can't stand girls that think they are "good girls" because they wait X ammount of time. It just makes you a bad girl who uses sex like a commodity. "This vagina will cost you 3 dinners, 1 movie, a round of mini golf, and a broadway show." Stop it allready and just do it when it feels right... if that's 1 date or 1 year... just be honest with yourself in the context of your relationship.