I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I have no problem running head long into a buzz saw knowing it's going to be a long and difficult fight for whatever it is that I want, but when there are choices involved... I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I start to wonder how my brain works that I can walk in with a smile knowing it's going to be a brutal day/week/month/year but choices and decisions freak me out.

Here's what's up.

I started my new job yesterday. Today I have the day off because my boss is out of town for the day and didn't have shit for me to do on my own seeing as I don't know shit yet. That's the whole company. Big Tom... and me. That's it. He's made it clear if things go well that I will take over the company in a max of 6 years. This is a company that put 3 kids through college, bought a beautiful house with a 4 car garage, kept his wife from ever working, and gives him enough money to really be happy. Big Tom likes to call it "fuck you money," but that's just because I've probably used that phrase in his presence too many times. I've switched to "publicly making fun of jews money." Seems to be the more appropriate reference for the times. Once you have enough money to get out in public... on tv... and smash the jews... that means you're super rich.

Big Tom is basically my dad. I've lived at his house for a decade, I call his wife "mom," his son is my best friend, and I've even brought one of his daughters to the prom. I'm part of the family... and now he's my boss and offering up his company if things work out.

I just wrote out another check for 60% of last month's rent which will completely clear my account... again. Yesterday, Big Tom and I made a sales call to a hedge fund in the city and he's going to assign me that account... which is aprox a $3,500 payday for me when they sign the contract... and they will. They want to have the project completed by Nov 1... and we're the first step of said project, so hopefully they get to signing papers soon. That entire check will have to go to rent. That will clear my debt with my land lord... or at least come very very close. There are a couple other projects he's going to "assign" to me so I have a little cash and tomorrow I start actually making sales calls.

Big Tom asked me if I have a priority with my bills and I did, but not concrete, so I made one up. He says that will help me feel better as I'm making money. That once I can scratch debt off the list line by line that I will have a better view of how I'm doing until I start putting money in the bank that doesn't need to come out in 30 days. It goes as follows: RENT, couch, suits. Everything else is up to date, but the next debt to be paid off will be my truck payments and then college loans. It's only going to take me about 10,000 to get my actual late and necessary debt paid off. Once that's over with I'll be making the obligatory cell phone payments, gas, and small monthly sub stuff like EverQuest... what a loser.

Anyways, this post is drifting away. Back on track. So, why did this amazing opportunity scare me out of my sleep patterns? It's just that it's so good and I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up. I have a choice in the matter too which is going to make me look bad regardless of what I choose. I decided I'd work part time at a package carrier to get myself some bucks, but after thinking about it, I don't want to. It's from 6am to 9am t-f and 6am to noon on Saturday. I need to be on top of my game at Big Tom's so I can build a true career... I can't be fucking around delivering packages for 3 hours a morning for like 200 bucks a week. It just won't get me anywhere. I was out in the city for like 4 hours yesterday and made myself 3,500 bucks. Sure, that one was a gimmie and I didn't say anything or do anything, but I got to see how this all works and it's really not hard. The choice to not work for the package carrier is going to piss off my folks because they know how badly I need some loot. I just don't see beating myself up as the best way to get it. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be in the hustle for real. I've made this decision and it's scary.

It's scary because I could be laughing about every questioning myself in a few months or sitting in my parents' living room reading the want adds kicking myself for not delivering packages to make a few extra bucks. It's also scary because I don't know what I'm doing and it's clear that this industry is simple, but only after you know what you're doing. For instance, yesterday the client goes "We want this whole room to be viewed by cameras... what do you think? 4?" Big Tom says, "Nah, you're going to need at least 6." "OK." If he had said he wanted 4 cameras to me, I would have just wrote that down and been done with it. Later, Big Tom explained why he needed more and it made sense. The simple way to put all this jive is that once you have a basica understanding of how everything works you can talk about it very easily. It's not like every situation is new and complicated. It's all just understanding the basics. I don't know shit, but I think I'll learn quickly. I'm just so scared that this will fall apart in front of my eyes somehow and this opportunity of a lifetime... to be my own boss... run my own multi million dollar company by 30... live a wildly sucessful life on my own terms... and enjoy my time with a family who's as close as my own... and I'll only have myself to blame. Big Tom is doing everything he can to get me going. If I fuck this up, it's all on me. And that is nerve wracking.

Would it be better if I just accepted a position at a retail location or I went and delivered packages for a decent wage? I mean, if I was making 30 grand a year I could whittle my bills down and in a year or two be debt free. I could save a few bucks here and there and work my 40 hours a week. It sure would be a lot less pressure... and I'd know what I'm going to earn... but is that what I want?

"Want" is a stupid feeling. I don't like wanting things. It clouds the thinking. I should be making choices based on the facts and what is best for me at this specific moment... but I can't. For instance, there are two girls in my life right now that can basically be called "Safe Choice" and "Challenge." The safe choice is Cool Girl... the challenge is Dork. I knew Cool Girl first and have been out with her a few times now. Dork is a very slow mover. She's better looking, smarter, more intreguing, but much more difficult. Cool Girl is just that... she's cool. I like hanging out with her and the last time we hung out we made out a bit. Dork is probably weeks away from a lunch. I think I just need to type out pros and cons.

Cool Girl:

Pros: Fun, makes me laugh, easy going, and easy to read. She likes me and wants to chat just about every day. If I call her she'll answer. She likes to make plans for the next meeting at the end of the previous date. Her intentions are clear... she wants to date me (so far).

Cons: She lives about 45 minutes away by car. There is mass transit to get to where she lives, but I'd have to drive an hour to get to the switching station that would bring me that way. She's overweight and not all that attractive. She's lost a ton of weight in the past year and hasn't exactly "snapped back" yet. Her chest is small compared to the extra baggage she's carrying. She is a decent kisser, but not spectacular... and for some reason I put that here in cons... I expect perfection!

Dork:

Pros: Smart as hell, funny, hasn't been jaded by attention, somewhat "librarian hot," has red curly hair (my favorite), lives in the city (also 45 minutes) but would rather live in the suburbs, very pretty, tall, in great shape. She has that "challenging" factor even though it's not like other girls that are just difficult. She's just very cautious but obviously interested. "Corruptable" is not the best way to put it... I'd say she's not as numb to the crazy shit I do and would enjoy the hell out of herself. Isn't against being spontaneous and fun, but wouldn't do it on her own. I think I'll have a fucking amazing time with her. Cites a "high sex drive." Not used to the attention "I'm not used to persistant attention from a guy." Reminds me of every girl I've ever had a serious crush on in my whole life. Super smart, nerd beautiful, fun but over cautious.

Cons: Virgin. "waiting until marriage" because "couldn't enjoy sex outside of marriage with the fear of pregnancy." Also cites "personality" for a reason why she has chose to not have sex. She's only 22, so it's not like she's been around the block (so of course I think I can turn her). Not used to the attention (pro and con... will make things interesting but difficult). So nervous about things. If that's talking via emails, AIM, phone, in person... everything's going to be like pulling teeth. Will probably be a lot of BS attached with every step of the way, but so far a little effort has smoothed things out. I won't know if she's the valid choice for a relationship for quite some time. I FORGOT THIS ONE BUT IT'S FUCKING HUGE: She's friends with my ex... the one that broke my heart and ruined my life. They work in the same industry and hang out about once a month for a "girls' night."

So, now I have a decision to make... and it's not between these two. Remember, PG is still flaking out and then calling me to make sure I'm still interested and then flaking out and comin back over and over and over. I will try to fuck her before things get too far out of favor with her, but it's so damn difficult with her. There is another girl "Actor Girl" who gave me her number last night and another girl who asked if I'd like to meet her for drinks on Friday... which I had to decline because I'm going to a party with CG. I'm not sitting on my hands here, but so far the one I'm most interested in is the one that's going to move the absolute slowest. PG will be in and out of my life and hopefully will give some sexual release, CG will be a constant and looks to want to keep things moving forward at a steady pace, AG seems like she might be a great choice, but so far it's not magnetism, and the drinks girl is 28 and acts like I'm 12 because I'm the first guy she's ever dated who's younger than her... by 3 years... so I just want to meet up with her to meet her... no feelings at all there either. All the while... there's Dork. She's the one I want as of today... and I have no idea how long it's going to be before we even meet in person let alone get things moving in the right direction.

The choice to be made is how far to go with CG (seeing as that's in the works) how much stock to put in Dork, how many other girls to go out with, what to say/do with them, etc. What's hard is that I went from zero chicks to like 6 that I'm dealing with. So far everything's been cool. Girl With a C is just out of the picture. I'm not about to beg anyone for their company, but that doesn't make shit easier. There are only really 2 nights a week to go out with someone that lives outside of town and there are like 6 chicks I'd like to give a whirl before whittling down to the one I'd like a relationship with. In fact, I need to get out with all of them so they can decide if they like ME or not. No use stressing over which to pick until you have a clear picture of your actual choices. I could pick Dork and tell all the other girls to take a hike and then Dork could be like "lol beat it." I could go out with the "Thinks She's Old Girl" and she could hate me. Who knows?

I guess the only REAL choice right now is what to do with CG. She likes me and I like her, but there are just other girls I think I could like much more, but I don't KNOW that. My whole "dating more than one girl" post is very easy in theory, but that theory doesn't take into account that every girl has her own time table. CG isn't a sleep around kind of girl. She hasn't even touched my man weapon and we've made out twice now. I don't know how significant it will be for HER when she finally does and if I will be breaking her heart if I chose someone else.

It's really hard to be ready to hurt someone. Especially someone you do like. I am going to have to be careful with CG to not get too close until I'm sure but also to stay close enough to not fuck myself twice by not choosing another girl and not having her there.

I've chatted with Dork for a couple days in a row on the... just had to add another con... computer and she's really fun to talk to. I seriously really like her a lot. I really want to meet her and see how things go because she's exactly what I'm looking for... besides the whole "virgin" thing and the "I'm friends with your ex... lol." Last night we talked for the first time over the phone and it was awesome. I enjoy talking with her sooo much. I don't know what to do, but I allready have such a crush on her.

I'm not even sure 100% what the fuck I'm trying to say in this post. I guess it's just that the future is so uncertain right now... and I'm talking immediate future as well as long run stuff... that it just weighs on me. I am a worrier by nature and it's really hard for me to relax when I know how much shit is going on around me that I can only half controll. If I had no controll or if I was in total control I'd feel so much better, but it's like I can only cast my line and walk away. The rest is up to chance and it makes me seriously physically ill... I just want to sleep again.