3.1415926535897932384626433832

Depression, Happiness, Electronics, and Dolphin Rape

2007-03-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite a while since I sat down to write a post. I hit the bottom. I bounced back. I'm happy for the first time in my life.

I don't really know how detailed I want to be, but I definately want to tell some stories, so here we go.

Oh Well... I'll Find Another Job

In February of 05 I decided that I was going to settle down, retire from professional sports, settle down with my girlfriend, and get a "real job." That real job was as a financial consultant... and in the course of a year, the $43,000 "salary" they offered me ended up as a $20,000 salary. Not only that, but it started out at the 43k rate and then was cut to damn near nothing almost immediately, so of that 20,000 I probably earned 10k of it in the first 3 months. (if you're new, the girl cheated on me soon after I took the job)

From February through August I did NOTHING. I spent my days/nights playing EverQuest and looking for a job. I would send out between 10 and 15 resumes a day and was getting one of two answers. 1. Thanks but no thanks. 2. Sure, we'll hire you, but we won't pay you, and if you don't make X ammount of money (in sales) in the first few months we'll fire you from the job we're not paying you for doing.

I started collecting unemployment insurance almost right away which covered exactly my rent, electricity, and internet. I let my other bills go for a while... oh... and didn't buy food. I lived on what was left over from a hog my folks had slaughtered a few months before (which was basically a freezer full of sausage), coffee, and whatever else I could afford by not paying a bill one month or the other.

In August I took a job with a family friend as a salesmen. 2006 ran out and I had no money, no unemployment insurance left, and the loan I took out had run out. Not only that but I was also being hastled by about 10 different collection agencies for the money I owed. The stuff I was selling was being sold to the state government, so in order to see payment I had to go through a million steps that each take weeks. Long story short, I worked for 9 months and never got paid. Things I worked on during my time there still might pay me one day... but I'm not holding my breath.

I Surrender

In December I had a talk with my boss... who might as well be my father. I am very close with him and his family and he always looks out for me. Him and I agreed that this experiment with me working for him was losing altitude fast and it was time to eject. He started leveraging his connections to get me into a similar job that came with a salary. At the same time I restarted my job search. I gave Monster and CareerBuilder one more try. I updated my resume, changed some objectives, and came at this search a different way. I was looking for specific industries/companies and was going at them hard. I was easily sending out 25 resumes a day and was really working hard to find steady work.

I only had two qualifications for the job. 1. It has to pay a salary or be hourly work with a consistant work load. 2. NO SALES. As it turned out, I'm "not qualified" for: data entry, temp work, managment, finance (other than sales), etc etc etc. It actually makes me sick to sit here and think about all the jobs I was turned down for that any asshole who could read and speak English could do without breaking a sweat....

My boss was working hard to find me work, but he was coming up dry. He didn't want to make me sound TOO good at my job because in reality I was dealing in a very complex industry and was ONLY dealing with relationships, not the technology. If he got me into a job that I wasn't qualified for that would ruin his rep, so he was having a VERY hard time finding a place that I would fit.

Now it's January. I've been busting my ass trying to find work and coming up dry on every single front. I had hit every company I wanted to work for, every industry I found interesting, every job I was qualified for (at least that I thought I was qualified for after reading the job description and matching it up with what I've studied/done), and still found nothing. I couldn't pay my rent, I had no food, no gas, no NOTHING...

So I gave up.

I went online and applied at Best Buy, Home Depot, and a bunch of other huge national chain retail stores.

So... This is THE Bottom?

Wednesday afternoon I get a call from a dude asking when I'm available for an interview at the local Best Buy. I tell him that I'm available any time they need me and that I'm really excited to meet the managment team. He then asks, "Can you come in tonight at 6?"

I agree and jump in the shower. I put on my best suit, prepare some notes, and go to the Best Buy. I am an hour and a half early and I am told to sit by customer service and wait for the manager to come get me.

Two and a half hours later this little dude walks up to me and asks if I'm Pi. He leads me into another room with an even smaller man sitting behind a desk. This small guy looked like he was about 11 and a half years old and the smaller man was about 55. I sat down and we immediatly started the interview. I went through my history from my high school leadership positions through my professional sports success all the way to my management experience and training as a sales/customer service professional with various reputable corporations.

"Looks like you've had 3 jobs in 3 years... what's up with that?"

My face went red. This wasn't embarassment though... this was rage. I took a deep breath and was about to say "Are you fucking kidding? You're a fucking minimum wage electronics wholesaler who is lucky if the people on the schedule ever even come back let alone come in on time and I'm a fucking professional who's giving you the steal of a lifetime. If you lure me in as an 'associate' it will be the best fucking move of your career." What I did say was "Well, one company folded and the other two didn't pay me. I was shooting for the stars and that hasn't changed. What HAS changed is my approach. I still want to be a C level executive with a major corporation, but now I am poised to do so with a level of security... aka a paycheck for my services while I prove that I'm the best employee you could ever hire."

bla bla bla...

I get hired on the spot. Orientation is that Saturday. Keep in mind that the two guys who interviewed me weren't six feet tall if one was sitting on the other's shoulders and would tip the scales in that position at about 150lbs. Also remember that my interview was on a Wednesday and that I was set to start 3 days later. The final piece to the puzzle is that if I'm wearing shoes I am over 6'5", I weigh about 335lbs, have a shaved head and a beard.

Saturday morning, 8AM, Best Buy. Orientation starts at 9, so I brought along a cup of coffee to drink in the parking lot, listened to the radio for a bit and went in. The store opens at 10. You want to know why I know that? Well, the smaller man who interviewed me saw me standing outside... exactly where he told me to stand when I showed up... a half hour before I was supposed to be there... on the day he told me I would be starting my illustrious career at Best Buy... and this is what he says to me:

"THE STORE OPENS AT 10."

"uh... I'm here for orientation."

"What's your name again?"

"Pi (my real name is just about as obscure)"

"... uh... OK? Well... just wait here."

9AM rolls around and me and two other guys are standing in the doorway waiting for orientation. One guy is a contractor who translates things from Japanese to English and vice versa who is working part time to make a few extra bucks. The other is a med school student who is coming on part time.

Orientation consisted of the 3 of us sitting with the store manager, going over policies, watching a shitload of corny ass videos about the history of Best Buy and where the store is planning on improving, and then some question and answer time.

Four hours later and the store manager and I have hit it off big time. I knew him in his past life as a manager at Mc Donalds... but he didn't remember me. He was impressed with how I communicated during our time together and it was actually a really enjoyable 4 hours... shockingly. As it turns out I actually coached against his son when I was coaching basketball. It was too good to be true... a real in with the store manager who makes pretty much every decison... this was going to be great.

Then the larger of the two tiny guys walks in. He gives us our schedules for the next 2 weeks. Over the course of two weeks both part time guys got 60 hours total... and I... the full time guy... got 60 hours total.

I asked the little guy, "is 30 hours a week about the average?" He looked at me with a puzzled look and talked into his headset (all managers wear these... they are attached to walkie talkies that they talk into all day) "Smaller guy, can you come to the training room please?"

Pi: "You don't really need to call Smaller Guy in... it's really not a big deal. I was just under the impression that full time was 40 hours."
Him: "You need to have this conversation with the Smaller Guy."
Pi: "Seriously, it's NOT a big deal... in fact... nevermind. I'm sure it will all work itself out"
[enter Smaller Guy]
SG: "What seems to be the problem?"
Him: "Pi wants to know what the average hours are for full time guys."
SG: "Why?"
Him: "He expects 40 hours a week."
Pi: "Actually, it's not a big deal. I was just under the impression it was 40... don't sweat it at all. I"ll see you guys on Monday."
SG: "If you're going to be a fucking problem and you're going to be complaining that you want more hours then don't come back... YOU'RE FIRED!"

I went to the A&P and used change I cashed in at the bank to buy myself some whiskey. I sat and drank for a few hours in silence. Then I started making phone calls. I called my parents... my mother cried. My father didn't say anything. This was my chance to finally make a little scratch and get "somewhat" on my feet. I live on my own, but I have barely made anything since I moved out and it really seemed like the only people who sent me mail were lawyers who were trying to scare me into paying the money I'd let slide for almost a year.

I decided that I was unhirable. I was going to tear up my resume and stand on the corner with the illegals in my town to make some money. If I got evicted I'd just move home and start at McDonalds or something.

I drank quietly until I felt the tears coming... then I cried. I couldn't stop myself. I never really openly wept, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing from my eyes no matter how much whiskey I used to make myself forget. Eventually I passed out. I got so drunk that when I finally came to I couldn't walk without holding onto the wall and slept most of the next day.

I woke up with a sense of peace. I had given up. I was not meant to be succesful and I wasn't ever going to be happy. I made up my mind that I was going to get a job. I was going to find an hourly job doing SOMETHING no matter how shitty or how dead end it was going to be and just get working. If I couldn't find anything I had two choices: 1. Join the Army. 2. Move to a cheaper state where I could make minimum wage digging ditches and survive.

"Please reply so I know you didn't hurt yourself"

That was the final line of an email I got from my mother. She was conviced I had killed myself because I wasn't answering my phone for a couple days. Little did I know that she had been calling everyone and telling them to get in touch with me immediately because she was certain I was dead.

I replied and told her I was OK because I have come to grips with the fact that I'm worthless and that I just need to make enough money to have fuel in my truck to get back and forth to work so that I can die pennyless and alone many years from now. I said I had made the decision that I don't want to have a family because I will never earn enough to raise a child the way they should be raised. I was never going to get married because I'd never be able to make anyone else happy as a dead beat piece of shit. I finished by saying that once you give up hope you can finally have happiness. Once you no longer can reach the stars you're happy on the ground and that I'm going to be OK in my own way even that's nowhere near what I had planned.

Then I get a TEXT MESSAGE from my mother "PLEASE PICK UP THE PHONE." I didn't even know she knew text messages existed. The phone rings, I pick it up, she tells me that she wants me to go to the doctor. She said "You are dark and mean. Everyone who cares about you can't stand you and I know that's showing in your interviews. Even if this is only a temporary solution to get you a job, I want you to seek help."

Success By Better Medicine

I meet with the doctor. I tell him everything I'm feeling. He prescribes me two pills. Lunesta for my inability to sleep and Lexipro for my "depression."

Afterwards my mom took me to the food store to get me some grub to last me a couple weeks.

I went home, put away the groceries, and downed the first pill. I stood over the sink full of dirty dishes and felt the water hit my stomach and immediately felt worse. I was one of THEM now. I CAN'T handle myself so I get a doctor to give me pills to make me better. I'm even more worthless than I though...

30 minutes later I feel something new. I sit back on the couch and just focus on it. It was a feeling of peace... but this time it didn't come with a side of self hatred. This time it was just peace. I took my sleeping pill and went to bed.... and slept. Deep... restful... 8 hour... SLEEP. I woke up and took my second pill. I called my mother to tell her how I felt... because I felt...

good.

Right Foot in Front of Left Foot

At this point my head was right. I was able to think clearly and be rational about things for the first time in a long time. Things didn't seem impossible. The first things I focused on were just simple things... doing the dishes... eating 3 meals a day... showering every night... brushing my teeth every morning... just a whole bunch of shit that I simply didn't give a shit about for so long that I was only doing all of them enough to stay alive and beyond that, neglecting them to the extreme.

Then came the job search again. I had the list of jobs from the paper and was going to go through and get one.

The first job I applied to, and one of 2 that I actually was hoping would come through was to a port that was looking for a manager. A week into my pills I get a call from an HR guy who brings me in for a pre-interview interview. It goes well, but a month goes by and not a word from the real interviewer.

I had a few other leads that would end up in 25 to 30k jobs doing things I wasn't really interested in doing, but I was putting them off in hopes of one of the 2 jobs working out. My folks were riding me hard to just do something and get working and the bills just kept coming in... but I wasn't so overwhelmed anymore. I felt better, was sleeping, eating, and feeling like I could actually handle all this.

I get an email from the other job I wanted saying "thanks, but no thanks."

And then, by chance, my father tells his neighbor how much I want this job I'm applying for at the docks. Turns out he knows a guy who works there and passes on my resume. Even more supprisingly, the guy calls me. Turns out he's a big time mover and shaker with the company and passes my resume on to the hiring manager... who just happens to be the dude who runs the whole port. I still can't believe the friend of a friend of my father's CALLS MY CELLPHONE and talks with me for a while about the job.

He told me that no resumes had been sent to them by the HR team but that I should be hearing from the manager when mine makes it down there. Depressed Pi would have just sat there and waited... medicated Pi called the damn HR department looking for answers. Then he called the port to make sure they had followed through... and then called HR again to see if it went through... then called the port to make sure it worked out like he said... and then called HR to thank them for their help... and then finally... CALLED THE BOSS AT THE PORT TO PRETTY MUCH DEMAND AN INTERVIEW ASAP.

He liked the way I went about all this and brought me in the next day. It was the single most professional interview I had ever been a part of and during this search I went to over 100 interviews. He told me I'd hear back from the company by Wednesday (it was Friday).

Everything about this company made me intimidated. It was so professional, so organized, so important a job, EVERYONE seemed so happy and so focused, everything was what I wanted to be. The interview went so well and it all felt like a dream. I went home knowing I wasn't going to get it, but happy I got so close. It just felt good to be considered by such an amazing company and when the call came that said I didn't get it, I'd be satisfied with how close I was actually able to fly to the sun before my wings gave out.

Monday afternoon I get a call from the boss who tells me they'd like to send me a formal offer. Not only that, but the offer was for more than double any other job I'd went after. Benefits, pention, perks, I can't even get into everything at once. Just the perfect job at the perfect time with the perfect company in the perfect location. Perfection.

My Stars in The Darkness

Friday marks the 1 month mark at my new job. I'm allready receiving praise from my boss and the people around me. I'm doing such a good job and loving every second of it. I couldn't have designed a better carreer if I had a million years to do so. What's more important is that I sat down and thought about the things that I had all along that made the worst time of my life worth remembering.

My family. I couldn't have a better family if I got to pick them myself. I love my immediate family more than I could ever say and I could not be more thankful for all they've done and continue to do for me... but my extended family is also a blessing that I cannot overstate. They've been just as supportive as my immediate family during these hard times and I don't think I could have done it without them.

My GIRLFRIEND. Last I posted I was just meeting "Dork" who is now my girlfriend... and I'm in love. I recently told her that I loved her and she couldn't wait to tell me the same. We are inseperable. She stood by me and listened to the endless complaints about this or that... dealt with me not even having enough money to get to her place... me being a depressed asshole... everything... and she loves ME. Not only is she an awesome person, but she's beautiful. The more I am around her the more I can't take my eyes off her. I haven't ever been in a relationship like this one. She is supportive, kind, an amazing listener, has great input on pretty much everything, knows when I just need to vent and when I need to hear her voice, is responsible... I could go on forever... I just need to say again.... I am in love with her and it feels amazing. We've been together since late August and I don't have any complaints. In fact, I can never say enough about her or her contribution to my happiness. I wouldn't trade her for the world and the fact that we met when I was a piece of garbage and she still loves me for who I am makes it so much better to be with her now that I'm getting my life together and actually have the money to treat her like she deserves.

My friends. They all rock. They will stand by me forever and understand my ecentricities (spelling?). I can't even begin to thank them enough for being so awesome... but they know that, and that's the way it always will be. I'd take a bullet for any one of my friends and I know they'd all do the same for me.

Dolphin Rape

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/167/390908012_ee25c975f2_o.jpg

Change is Good

2006-09-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Very fast update. Things are changing for me and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. PG is a flake... lost interest in her because it's too much hastle and too much aggrivation to even get in front of her let alone have an actual relationship. CG and I haven't spoken in a week and a half... even though I really like her... why? Because things are going FAMOUSLY with Dork! I hate using "!" to end a sentence, but holy shit am I happy with her.

I don't know, but I think this is a really good thing that's going to last longer than a few dates. We spent last Saturday together, I couldn't wait until the weekend to see her again, so we had dinner on Wednesday, and then we spent all day yesterday (Saturday) together. I'm so excited about this one it's scary.

The new job is rocking and rolling. I don't even know if I explained anything about it before... I'm totally lost in my blogging timeline, but it's awesome. I still haven't really been paid, but it's going in the right direction. It's related to construction, so with all the "30 days" and "90 days" that are involved with payment it's going to be a while before I see money, but once the first check comes in then it's all down hill forever. And yes, I mean FOREVER. This will be my last career... all I need is time to get the ball rolling and I'm good to go for life. How's that for end game thinking?

OK, that's it... Dork rules, she hearts the shit out of me, my job is good, and my attitude has 180'd big time...

fuck you,

Pi

Let Alcohol be a social lubricant

2006-09-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

http://drphilbooze.ytmnd.com/

Click that real quick... I'll wait for you right here...

OK, so here we go. I went out with my buddy McD tonight. He was in town and wanted to hang out before he went back home to the shore so cousin fil picked me up and we went to our favorite dive bar. It's got a jukebox... and the fact that we can play our own music makes it worth the walk across town (or the ride across town if it's pouring rain like tonight).

Thursday nights are $2 Blue Moon drafts... which I've never had before tonight... and are quite delitious... let's just say that "maybe" fil was driving and people kept buying him beers that he wsan't going to drink... and let's make believe I "chugged" them because fil didn't want to drive drunk. Let's also imagine that people wanted to watch me chug because I'm "frighteningly fast" at chugging...

Well... I'm heavily buzzed.

My problem right now, and why I wanted to come on here and post something, is that I like one girl and am falling super hard for another one.

Let me back track a little bit and explain where the problem comes in. Last Friday CG and I hung out in her neck of the woods... which is about 45 minutes away from where I live... and stayed out until about 5am. I had worked all day and was so tired that I really didn't want to drive home. The week before was the same thing and she sent me on my way, but I figured this time I was simply too tired and would ask her if I could crash on her couch. She said that I could definately stay over and I did. As I was preparing for a night on the couch she came out of her room and said, "you know, you can sleep with me in my bed if you'd like... you don't have to sleep on the couch." Of course I agreed... it was the better choice. We made out a bit and then moved to her bed where we made out some more, but that's as far as it went. The next morning I wake up and get things going again. I do really like her, so I just enjoy kissing her, so that's what I did. I moved to a position on top of her and was kissing away when the question was asked... and I'm not talking any question... THE question... "Do you have any condoms?" "No." In that split second I had to make the moral decision between having sex with CG or not and I chose "no." Of course I knew there was a chance of that coming up over the course of the night. Of course I had enough money and time to pick up a nice 3 pack of condoms before I went up there. Of course the thought crossed my mind... so why didn't I?

Because I've been talking to Dork. We've been talking on the phone every single night. I've been talking to her for hours and I'm falling for her hard. She's everything I'm looking for when it comes to intelligence, opinion, contribution... everything... but I haven't met her yet. She's also a virgin who's waiting until marriage for sex because of "the fear of pregnancy" and "the fear of the loss of the connection she'd feel." We have an amazing connection allready and I haven't even met her yet. I'm meeting up with her on Saturday. I'm terrified because I REALLY like CG, but I like Dork more. CG wants to have sex, but because I'm not sure what's going to happen with Dork I don't want her to take that step with me yet. If I had sex with her last week and then ended up falling for Dork in person as well as over the phone and had to end things with CG then I'd feel awful for doing what I did. Sure, I'm a sexually obsessed pig who can't look at a girl between the ages of "18" and 65 without picturing the chick naked... but I simply don't like hurting people. I knew that was a part of dating multiple chicks at once, but I never imagined I'd like them both so much.

The other problem I'm having is that it seriously might come down to looks. CG and I have a ton of the same interests. She loves the cartoons I love... watches the shows I watch... makes the jokes I make... everything. She's just not as attractive as Dork... as far as I know. Dork is as smart as I am. She understands everything I say without me having to simplify or explain. She's interesting and actually contributes to conversations. CG does too, but just not in the same way. If Dork is better looking... then I'm going to have to pick Dork... but that's such a shitty reason. CG has a better sense of humor and Dork has a better intellect... but they even out and it's going to be dependant upon looks? What kind of shallow asshole makes that decision? Me. That's the one. I'm torn... big time... and I don't want to hurt CG or Dork. I will date them both for a while, but with how far CG is willing to go, I don't know how long that will last. If I don't have condoms the next time I hang out with her she'll probably get them herself. That means I can probably hang out with CG two more times before I'm having sex with her... max... which should be a good thing, but I know how sex messes with your head. I would hate for her to think that I stayed with her just to put a knotch on my belt and then moved on.

Tomorrow night I don't have any plans and am wrestling with hanging out with a girl who I saw a long time ago. She's kept in touch with me and wants to hang out again... and loves the cock. If I see her it will be just because I'd like to have some fun, but that would go against everything I am. I do actually like her too, but she moved after I met her and she's now about... oh... an hour and a half away. She'd make a great "friend with benefits", but she'd be an awful girlfriend due to the distance. If only I knew how to make that "Friends with benefits" conversation work... oh well... I probably won't call her because I'll feel guilty as I'm dialing the numbers... but I probably "should."

OK, I just wanted to drop in and say something. The job is going very well, btw. I haven't made any money yet, but I'm moving rapidly in that direction. I should be paid something soon. Once that first sale actually goes through I'm going to feel awesome... but I feel pretty amazing right now as it is. I'm happy and relaxed... that hasn't happened in forever. I think it's because I have a few girls in my life that I really like and a career that is going places... but it could just be because I don't care about failure anymore. Who knows?

Goodbye, fuck face.

2006-09-06T16:09:00.000-07:00

MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES

Why I don't sleep.

2006-09-06T13:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't been able to sleep for a week. I have no problem running head long into a buzz saw knowing it's going to be a long and difficult fight for whatever it is that I want, but when there are choices involved... I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't focus, I start to wonder how my brain works that I can walk in with a smile knowing it's going to be a brutal day/week/month/year but choices and decisions freak me out.

Here's what's up.

I started my new job yesterday. Today I have the day off because my boss is out of town for the day and didn't have shit for me to do on my own seeing as I don't know shit yet. That's the whole company. Big Tom... and me. That's it. He's made it clear if things go well that I will take over the company in a max of 6 years. This is a company that put 3 kids through college, bought a beautiful house with a 4 car garage, kept his wife from ever working, and gives him enough money to really be happy. Big Tom likes to call it "fuck you money," but that's just because I've probably used that phrase in his presence too many times. I've switched to "publicly making fun of jews money." Seems to be the more appropriate reference for the times. Once you have enough money to get out in public... on tv... and smash the jews... that means you're super rich.

Big Tom is basically my dad. I've lived at his house for a decade, I call his wife "mom," his son is my best friend, and I've even brought one of his daughters to the prom. I'm part of the family... and now he's my boss and offering up his company if things work out.

I just wrote out another check for 60% of last month's rent which will completely clear my account... again. Yesterday, Big Tom and I made a sales call to a hedge fund in the city and he's going to assign me that account... which is aprox a $3,500 payday for me when they sign the contract... and they will. They want to have the project completed by Nov 1... and we're the first step of said project, so hopefully they get to signing papers soon. That entire check will have to go to rent. That will clear my debt with my land lord... or at least come very very close. There are a couple other projects he's going to "assign" to me so I have a little cash and tomorrow I start actually making sales calls.

Big Tom asked me if I have a priority with my bills and I did, but not concrete, so I made one up. He says that will help me feel better as I'm making money. That once I can scratch debt off the list line by line that I will have a better view of how I'm doing until I start putting money in the bank that doesn't need to come out in 30 days. It goes as follows: RENT, couch, suits. Everything else is up to date, but the next debt to be paid off will be my truck payments and then college loans. It's only going to take me about 10,000 to get my actual late and necessary debt paid off. Once that's over with I'll be making the obligatory cell phone payments, gas, and small monthly sub stuff like EverQuest... what a loser.

Anyways, this post is drifting away. Back on track. So, why did this amazing opportunity scare me out of my sleep patterns? It's just that it's so good and I'm so scared I'm going to fuck it up. I have a choice in the matter too which is going to make me look bad regardless of what I choose. I decided I'd work part time at a package carrier to get myself some bucks, but after thinking about it, I don't want to. It's from 6am to 9am t-f and 6am to noon on Saturday. I need to be on top of my game at Big Tom's so I can build a true career... I can't be fucking around delivering packages for 3 hours a morning for like 200 bucks a week. It just won't get me anywhere. I was out in the city for like 4 hours yesterday and made myself 3,500 bucks. Sure, that one was a gimmie and I didn't say anything or do anything, but I got to see how this all works and it's really not hard. The choice to not work for the package carrier is going to piss off my folks because they know how badly I need some loot. I just don't see beating myself up as the best way to get it. Starting tomorrow I'm going to be in the hustle for real. I've made this decision and it's scary.

It's scary because I could be laughing about every questioning myself in a few months or sitting in my parents' living room reading the want adds kicking myself for not delivering packages to make a few extra bucks. It's also scary because I don't know what I'm doing and it's clear that this industry is simple, but only after you know what you're doing. For instance, yesterday the client goes "We want this whole room to be viewed by cameras... what do you think? 4?" Big Tom says, "Nah, you're going to need at least 6." "OK." If he had said he wanted 4 cameras to me, I would have just wrote that down and been done with it. Later, Big Tom explained why he needed more and it made sense. The simple way to put all this jive is that once you have a basica understanding of how everything works you can talk about it very easily. It's not like every situation is new and complicated. It's all just understanding the basics. I don't know shit, but I think I'll learn quickly. I'm just so scared that this will fall apart in front of my eyes somehow and this opportunity of a lifetime... to be my own boss... run my own multi million dollar company by 30... live a wildly sucessful life on my own terms... and enjoy my time with a family who's as close as my own... and I'll only have myself to blame. Big Tom is doing everything he can to get me going. If I fuck this up, it's all on me. And that is nerve wracking.

Would it be better if I just accepted a position at a retail location or I went and delivered packages for a decent wage? I mean, if I was making 30 grand a year I could whittle my bills down and in a year or two be debt free. I could save a few bucks here and there and work my 40 hours a week. It sure would be a lot less pressure... and I'd know what I'm going to earn... but is that what I want?

"Want" is a stupid feeling. I don't like wanting things. It clouds the thinking. I should be making choices based on the facts and what is best for me at this specific moment... but I can't. For instance, there are two girls in my life right now that can basically be called "Safe Choice" and "Challenge." The safe choice is Cool Girl... the challenge is Dork. I knew Cool Girl first and have been out with her a few times now. Dork is a very slow mover. She's better looking, smarter, more intreguing, but much more difficult. Cool Girl is just that... she's cool. I like hanging out with her and the last time we hung out we made out a bit. Dork is probably weeks away from a lunch. I think I just need to type out pros and cons.

Cool Girl:

Pros: Fun, makes me laugh, easy going, and easy to read. She likes me and wants to chat just about every day. If I call her she'll answer. She likes to make plans for the next meeting at the end of the previous date. Her intentions are clear... she wants to date me (so far).

Cons: She lives about 45 minutes away by car. There is mass transit to get to where she lives, but I'd have to drive an hour to get to the switching station that would bring me that way. She's overweight and not all that attractive. She's lost a ton of weight in the past year and hasn't exactly "snapped back" yet. Her chest is small compared to the extra baggage she's carrying. She is a decent kisser, but not spectacular... and for some reason I put that here in cons... I expect perfection!

Dork:

Pros: Smart as hell, funny, hasn't been jaded by attention, somewhat "librarian hot," has red curly hair (my favorite), lives in the city (also 45 minutes) but would rather live in the suburbs, very pretty, tall, in great shape. She has that "challenging" factor even though it's not like other girls that are just difficult. She's just very cautious but obviously interested. "Corruptable" is not the best way to put it... I'd say she's not as numb to the crazy shit I do and would enjoy the hell out of herself. Isn't against being spontaneous and fun, but wouldn't do it on her own. I think I'll have a fucking amazing time with her. Cites a "high sex drive." Not used to the attention "I'm not used to persistant attention from a guy." Reminds me of every girl I've ever had a serious crush on in my whole life. Super smart, nerd beautiful, fun but over cautious.

Cons: Virgin. "waiting until marriage" because "couldn't enjoy sex outside of marriage with the fear of pregnancy." Also cites "personality" for a reason why she has chose to not have sex. She's only 22, so it's not like she's been around the block (so of course I think I can turn her). Not used to the attention (pro and con... will make things interesting but difficult). So nervous about things. If that's talking via emails, AIM, phone, in person... everything's going to be like pulling teeth. Will probably be a lot of BS attached with every step of the way, but so far a little effort has smoothed things out. I won't know if she's the valid choice for a relationship for quite some time. I FORGOT THIS ONE BUT IT'S FUCKING HUGE: She's friends with my ex... the one that broke my heart and ruined my life. They work in the same industry and hang out about once a month for a "girls' night."

So, now I have a decision to make... and it's not between these two. Remember, PG is still flaking out and then calling me to make sure I'm still interested and then flaking out and comin back over and over and over. I will try to fuck her before things get too far out of favor with her, but it's so damn difficult with her. There is another girl "Actor Girl" who gave me her number last night and another girl who asked if I'd like to meet her for drinks on Friday... which I had to decline because I'm going to a party with CG. I'm not sitting on my hands here, but so far the one I'm most interested in is the one that's going to move the absolute slowest. PG will be in and out of my life and hopefully will give some sexual release, CG will be a constant and looks to want to keep things moving forward at a steady pace, AG seems like she might be a great choice, but so far it's not magnetism, and the drinks girl is 28 and acts like I'm 12 because I'm the first guy she's ever dated who's younger than her... by 3 years... so I just want to meet up with her to meet her... no feelings at all there either. All the while... there's Dork. She's the one I want as of today... and I have no idea how long it's going to be before we even meet in person let alone get things moving in the right direction.

The choice to be made is how far to go with CG (seeing as that's in the works) how much stock to put in Dork, how many other girls to go out with, what to say/do with them, etc. What's hard is that I went from zero chicks to like 6 that I'm dealing with. So far everything's been cool. Girl With a C is just out of the picture. I'm not about to beg anyone for their company, but that doesn't make shit easier. There are only really 2 nights a week to go out with someone that lives outside of town and there are like 6 chicks I'd like to give a whirl before whittling down to the one I'd like a relationship with. In fact, I need to get out with all of them so they can decide if they like ME or not. No use stressing over which to pick until you have a clear picture of your actual choices. I could pick Dork and tell all the other girls to take a hike and then Dork could be like "lol beat it." I could go out with the "Thinks She's Old Girl" and she could hate me. Who knows?

I guess the only REAL choice right now is what to do with CG. She likes me and I like her, but there are just other girls I think I could like much more, but I don't KNOW that. My whole "dating more than one girl" post is very easy in theory, but that theory doesn't take into account that every girl has her own time table. CG isn't a sleep around kind of girl. She hasn't even touched my man weapon and we've made out twice now. I don't know how significant it will be for HER when she finally does and if I will be breaking her heart if I chose someone else.

It's really hard to be ready to hurt someone. Especially someone you do like. I am going to have to be careful with CG to not get too close until I'm sure but also to stay close enough to not fuck myself twice by not choosing another girl and not having her there.

I've chatted with Dork for a couple days in a row on the... just had to add another con... computer and she's really fun to talk to. I seriously really like her a lot. I really want to meet her and see how things go because she's exactly what I'm looking for... besides the whole "virgin" thing and the "I'm friends with your ex... lol." Last night we talked for the first time over the phone and it was awesome. I enjoy talking with her sooo much. I don't know what to do, but I allready have such a crush on her.

I'm not even sure 100% what the fuck I'm trying to say in this post. I guess it's just that the future is so uncertain right now... and I'm talking immediate future as well as long run stuff... that it just weighs on me. I am a worrier by nature and it's really hard for me to relax when I know how much shit is going on around me that I can only half controll. If I had no controll or if I was in total control I'd feel so much better, but it's like I can only cast my line and walk away. The rest is up to chance and it makes me seriously physically ill... I just want to sleep again.

You got served

2006-09-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

My first and last temp assignment ended today. I was in the purchasing department for a physical rehab clinic with an awesome guy named G. G and I would work together every day to keep inventory numbers up, stock nursing carts, deliver packages, stock deliveries, etc. Well, G had to take a day off on Tuesday. To insure the purchasing department continued to purchase as usual, he had a woman come down from another branch of this clinic to fill in for him while he was gone. He assured me that she knew what she was doing and everything should work to plan.

Late in the day on Monday G tells me that we should break down some boxes because we have a shitload to do. I tell him "I want to save them for tomorrow. If I hate this woman I want to have stuff to keep me busy so I can avoid her."

When G came in on Wednesday he saw 3 neatly stacked piles of flat boxes that were sorted by size and kept within a few inches of each other and no full open boxes anymore. In fact, the whole warehouse was spotless.

I got in at 8 and this chick was sitting in the very corner of the office behind a table she pulled as tight to the wall as she could. On top of the table was a laptop... that she didn't move from all fucking day.

This job is a 2 person job. There's no reason to have 3 and 1 isn't enough. I made about 32 trips throughout the day either delivering, stocking, or checking inventory while she sat there on her huge fat ass with the AC set to stun yelling in her stupid loud voice. If someone came in looking for something that couldn't be held with one hand she would leave me a note. If it was something useless and obscure like a form that we don't normally use she'd freak out and open hundreds of boxes looking for it and making a huge production out of the whole thing just to waste time. Not only would she freak out about how important this need for pink envelopes was, but she would run around bad mouthing G and making it clear that once she's here things would actually be organized so emergencies like this don't happen... OVER PINK ENVELOPES!

I came back from 2 straight hours of stocking nursing carts (which normally takes G and I about 30 minutes) and there is a note where I sit. "Med Records needs 1 box of paper. Thanks."

"Who put this note here?"

"I did."

"Why?"

"Medical Records called about an hour ago and asked for a box of paper."

"And they still need it?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because you didn't bring it down yet lol."

I felt myself starting to black out and get into killing mode, but it was almost lunch time so I figured I'd just suck it up, get things done, and never see her again. It wasn't like I wanted to sit and chat with her. Not only was she useless, but her personality was about as entertaining as throat cancer. I shut my mouth, got the paper, and dropped it off.

When I get back there's another note. "In-patient admissions needs 1 box of paper. Thanks."
To really understand how lazy this is you have to have an idea of where inpatient admissions is located in relation to purchasing. IT'S DIRECTLY ACROSS THE HALLWAY! She left me a note instead of putting one box of paper on the hand truck sitting right there and walking it less than 10 feet through 2 doorways.

I decided it was time to build a case against this piece of shit in case I had to use it. So, I ask her what she's doing on the computer.
"I'm connected to my office and I'm doing what I do every day... making sure we have enough things ordered to keep our inventory up."

"Oh, so you've got remote access?"
"Yes."

"That's cool."

Well, at about 3:30 the computer guy comes down and she's in the bathroom. I ask him what's up and he tells me, "She hasn't been able to connect to her office remotely all day and wants me to see if I can fix it."

This was playing out like a fucking sitcom. I had everything I needed allready, but I wanted to see if she'd help me in the afternoon after she sat in the AC playing fucking minesweeper all day while I'm sweating my ass off running shit all over the clinic. Afternoon stocking time comes and she's still sitting there. I look at her and go "you going to help stock the carts?" "I can help you." Wow, she's going to help. Maybe I should have just asked in the morning. Well, she was going to "help" if by "help" you mean go "I don't know where anything is, so you find it, but I'll let you know what you have in your hand when you put it on the hand truck." I was now at my breaking point and she was following me around saying "that's a trach kit" "That's a drainage bag" etc etc. I finally turned to her and say "you know what, I think I've got this under controll."

I'm running around and I'm not done at 4pm. I get back to take another load of supplies out to the floor and she pops out of nowhere and supprises me. "Time to go home. Lock up." "East wing still needs some things." "I don't care. Lock up. It's after 4pm for christ's sake."

I decide that instead of putting her in intensive care and finishing my job I'd leave and just hope they wouldn't run out overnight. At least she was gone.

Thursday morning I walk in and see G sitting at his computer, but to my horror, she's back in her tight little corner with her laptop... huge disguisting fat ass and all.

You've got one more day, Pi... just shut your mouth, ignore her, and get through this.

She leaves for lunch exactly at 11am and G lets me know that she comes down on Tuesday and Thursday most weeks because she's going to be working there full time when the addition they are building is finished. I don't get it. G is an awesome materials manager. He gets shit done, he does it fast, everyone likes him, and he doesn't mind doing the work himself at all. He's fun to work with and he's a really nice guy. This bitch comes down to West and she's going to do what? Be G's boss. I am mortified. She has no business even having a job let alone being G's boss. Not only that, but she's postured herself into a position where if things go wrong she can blame them on G or Bob (the guy I'm filling in for) and if things go right, she can take full credit without doing a single fucking thing. She can sit there and occupy her time making mole hills into mountains, emailing her friends, and playing solitare, but if things aren't done right, she can say it was G's fault. There's no way for her to be exposed as a waste of air because she doesn't do shit and the people around her don't need her there, so they don't go out of their way to call her out. Also, if there are plenty of supplies in the carts... why even ask what everyone does every day? She is a leach on the ass of a well run department and somehow got herself above the people that do all the work.

I was so upset I wanted to just kick down the VP of HR's door and tell him everything. I wanted to just blow up her spot, pump G up, let him know exactly how the department looks from the outside and make things right. I walked out there to talk to him... and he had gone on vacation until after I'm gone.

Now I'm upset AND frustrated.

I get back to purchasing and sit down and start chatting with G while he's going over invoices for the day. Unfortunately, it's all done on the computer and it's complicated, so there really isn't anything I can do to help, but it's pretty mindless for G, so that's normally when we talk about things like the history of Ethiopia, role of women in a relationship, why I can't understand Jamaican people when they talk to each other but can understand them fine when they talk to me, etc. It's a fun time of the day.

Well, our shady vendor who doesn't wear socks comes down with only half of what he was supposed to deliver and starts trying to smooth things out before anyone even realizes that he doesn't have the stock we need. I bust his balls a bit and he goes "well, look at you all comfy with your chair reclined and your feet up. Good thing I don't lounge all day or you guys wouldn't have shit." He was joking and we both laughed. Then I hear that cunt drop some line about me being lazy from behind me and I flip the crazy switch.

"What did you just say?"

"I said, good thing G's here, Lazy."

"OK, well, I used to analize business on profitability and expenses in my previous life and I'd like to say that you are the most expendable, worthless, useless, employee of any company I've ever audited for a client. Here's why. You intentionally pick a spot to sit where nobody can see your computer because you don't really do any work on that computer..."

"Excuse me??? I have remote access to my office and I keep inventory up in North! Thank you very much."

"Really? Then why did you call down PC services at 3:30PM on Tuesday? He told me you didn't HAVE access and that he wouldn't be able to restore it for a long time."

"wh... at?"

"Yeah, and on top of that you haven't stood up once to help a single person get anything done. You punch in at 8am on the nose, do nothing all day and punch out at 4 regardless of how much work is left to be done. Not only do you sit there wasting space all day but you don't even do the simple things that would help more than anything. If you had even walked around and taken down what was needed instead of watching me do that then I would have not had to run around all day taking notes, pulling boxes, delivering and redelivering. I'm not even asking for you to pick anything up. I'm saying carry a pen and paper around, take some notes, and tell me what's needed. You are in the purchasing department with the same job title as the rest of us, but you think because you're an old fat woman that you can sit there and act like you're better than everyone."

"I helped you pull stuff in the afternoon."

"You did? I seem to remember you talking shit about G and the way things are organized while you were looking around for packing tape. Then when I'd bring a box down you'd say 'oh, that is a box of underpads' and I'd say 'yes'."

"well... you wouldn't have found..."

"I did find everything. You did not pull one box the whole day. If you think I'm just ranting, I'd like to let you know that I will be in touch with your boss on Tuesday with a full written report assessing the purchasing department for extraneous expenses and job titles. Ken knows what I did before I was here. He will take any critique of the department to heart because he knows it's coming from a professional."

"but..."

"While I'm at it... you better get your shit together too, Vendor without Socks. I did a little research on my own this week and there are 17 other vendors that sell the same things you do that service our clinic's area. Some of them even offer them at lower prices. I'm sure they would enjoy our business... especially since we have 10 locations in this state and over 100 on the east coast. In fact, I bet if we told them we were out of lotion and warm pads on a Monday they most likely wouldn't waltz in here on Thursday and say 'Too bad!' and expect it all to be OK."

"..."

"People need to stop fucking around and expecting G to clean up your messes. There are 4 of us standing in this room right now. Two of us are very expendable. I hope I've made it clear which 2 you are. I will be submitting my report on Tuesday. I hope you all enjoy your long weekend... WU TANG!... bitches..."

I walked out of the office and I hear G laughing his fucking ass off coming out after me. He was like "where the fuck did THAT come from?" To which I replied "She thinks I'm a goofy temp that doesn't have a brain in my head. I had to let her know if she fucks with people around me that she's going to learn I'm the mother fuckin guns of the navarone. Just because I'm stocking shelves for a temp agency doesn't mean that I'm not a professional in my normal life. Fuck her... and fuck that vendor."

1 hour later we received 2 boxes of lotion and 4 boxes of warm pads. The useless hole couldn't look at me the rest of the day and there were a few times I was sure she was going to cry.

You got motherfuckin served.

I'm Shallow... or they just suck?

2006-08-31T20:09:00.000-07:00

OK, I've posted at length about the problem I've been having with online dating. The girls seem really cool and fun... but they are not attractive. To every girl who will read that first statement, label me shallow, and move on hating the ol 3.14... just give me a shot here. I don't think that's the case anymore. I just think I have no idea what the fuck I want out of a relationship. Well, my "heart" knows what I want... but my brain has no clue.

For instance, I thought I really had a good time and I thought the girls I had seen were really cool... but you know what? I don't think they were. They were polite and went along with my whacky fucking sense of humor, but were they really so cool?

I've been seeing this girl who is not "hot" by the traditional definition of the word. In fact, of her circle of friends (who I met) she is the least hot of them all. She's a bit overweight and it is not represented by large breasts and a big ass. She's "white girl chubby." Her ass is just about not there, her breasts are average at best. She's cute... but not hot by any stretch. I really don't want to paint her in a bad light, but you have to understand that when it comes to looks, she's the least hot girl I've ever dated (and by that I mean went out with more than once). She's the one I called "Cool Girl" in a previous post.

Well, Pretty Girl wants to hang out this weekend. She is having some money issues due to her insurance benefits being reduced as she's getting ready to go back to work and just wants to chill and watch a movie. What that means is that I'll pretty much travel into the city to attempt to have sex with her. She's got an awesome body. She's very pretty. She's fun to hang out with and she just "gets it" when it comes to a lot of things. On top of all that, this date she wants to have this weekend is just going to be sex. What the fuck else is there to do? Watch a movie, talk about it's merits, and part ways? She is very liberal in the sex department, so I'm sure she knows as well as I do if I go out there it's going to involve some sort of sexual contact.

I went out with Cool Girl on Wednesday. We had a great time. We met at my place and then took a walk into town for dinner. On the way back I blew any chance of her coming back to my place by being a clown. She mentioned some girl and I said "did you guys make out?" to which she said "no... lol" and then said "you know, you remind me of this guy I was great friends with in college..." "Did you guys have sex?" "No." "OK then... changing gears." DOH! Never make your intentions clear. Stupid Pi. It's not like I would have even made a move unless she was very clear in her desire for me to do so, but SAYING that you want to have sex with someone while you're walking back to his place really puts the decision in the parking lot... not in the living room where you WANT it to be made.

Date ended with a hug and us making plans for Saturday night at her place.

Pretty Girl wants to hang out too.

What's the problem? I'm not tied to either one of them. All I want is sex, right? Pretty Girl is much hotter than Cool Girl and wants to just hang out at her apartment where we will have all the time and privacy in the world. Last time I was there we got down and I stayed the night. So, if logic is correct, that would mean that I should make plans with Pretty Girl ASAP and go there with the sole intention of having sex with her because she's the hotter and more sexual choice.

Why doesn't it feel right?

(don't worry, I'm going to tie up this shit show soon)

Another girl has shown interest in the Pi Man. We're going to call her Dork. Dork is REALLY smart and loves dorky stuff like games and books... wants to write a book... works for a publisher in the city. She's a homebody who doesn't drink very often (says "a few times a year" in her own words) and would rather just dork out at home with friends than go out boozing. I fell for her the second I read her profile on eHarmony. She's got everything I'm looking for in a personality, but I don't know how long it's going to take me to get in front of her, so we'll put her out there for reference, but we'll leave it at that.

You know why it doesn't feel right? I'm more comfortable and more happy with Cool Girl than I am with Pretty Girl. CG is funny. She actually made me laugh. She brought up the question "why do lesbians like manly girls? Wouldn't you think they'd like pretty girly girls?" That has been my #1 question for YEARS! I've never heard a girl talk about anything like that. That was basically MY question in MY words. Her and I are basically a 85% personality match which is about as close as you can get. She laughs at my jokes, I laugh at hers. That's huge because I am normally disgusted by girls' attempts at humor. She actually had me laughing out loud (lol... lol). I really like her a lot and I can tell she likes me. It's a comfortable and happy place to be. I really like it and want to be around her even though her body is not what I'm used to and far from what I'm looking for. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER WITH HER. I don't care at all. I want to bang her just as much as I'd like to bang PG, but this is because I really like her and can deal with the body issues because I'm far from perfect myself and I'm happy with her.

She gives me the affirmation I need to be confident and comfortable in our interactions. PG does the exact opposite. She won't talk on the phone, she won't give me any indication of what she'd like from me. I don't even know what time of day she'd like to see me, but she has been trying to coordinate the weekend via text messages... which is impossible. If she'd call me up, act excited to see me, and be an active part of the planning process for this weekend I'd be estatic to see her, but that's not how PG rolls. She throws out shit that doesn't even let you know if she wants to see you and gives you no indication of what she'd like to do, when, where, etc. Only thing I know is she'd like me to come into the city and any day this weekend's fine.

I don't think I'm in this just for sex. I don't know how to have sex with random girls and I don't even like making out with girls I don't think I'll want to see again. I'm very sexually obsessed, but only in the context of a relationship. Once I'm comfortable with someone I will not be able to keep my hands off her, but when things are slow and just getting started I don't know how to do anything. I probably seem close to asexual when in reality all I'm doing is picturing what she'd look like after I dump a batch on her. It's this bizare irony I live. All I think about is sex, but I'm so uncomfortable with the reality that I don't know how to make the reality in my head and the reality in the world come closer together. I know if I try and fail I'll get more sex than waiting for the right time, but I just don't know how to go that way.

You chicks have it easy. All you have to do is throw signs until they're picked up. We have to be the ones reading your actions/words and trying to understand when the moment's right. You can even be forward and get things going without a lot of fear of the dreaded "what are you doing?"

I blame all of my problems with casual sex on my lack of sex outside of a relationship. I just don't know how casual sex works. To me, having sex is something you do at the perfect moment when the stars align perfectly with romantic music, candles, and all that stupid shit. After the first time I'll kick open a public bathroom door and bend you over the toilet, but until that first time... I'm such a pussy. I read a story on a blog a while back where a girl was regretful that she had lost her virginity to some random dude after a party in a dank basement. I would give anything to have lost my virginity to a girl who's name I didn't even know behind a dumpster somewhere so I don't have this fucking hangup I can't shake. I guess the best way to get out of this mentality is to put my head down and just plow forward with as many chicks as I can... like PG... until I'm used to it, but I just feel so awkward.

I had to call cousin fil today just to verbalize my issues with going out with PG this weekend. I really am looking forward to seeing CG and for some reason that is making me question whether I want to see PG before or after CG. My cock is saying "dude, get out there tomorrow night... get laid NOW!" and my brain is going "but if you fuck her tomorrow... you're not going to be able to feel comfortable with CG on Saturday... go out with her Sunday!" to which my cock replies "fuck that shit... she might turn Sunday into a daytime date and there is less of a chance of sex! No fucking way... Friday night it is." Brain hops in "Do you really think you'll be comfortable having sex with a girl you don't love? This would be a first." Cock, "sex sex sex sex... wait... you're right... and by right I mean sex." Brain, "dumbass." Cock, "Dumbass? Will you seriously be able to get PG's sweet tits and waxed box out of your head when you're with CG on Saturday? What if she's not that good looking naked and all you can think about is PG on Sunday? Wouldn't you rather get that out of the way on Friday?" Brain, "Yes... but still... I don't know... I'm calling cousin fil." Cock, "you're calling a dude when we're talking about pussy? Faggot." Brain, "fuck you, dude... I'm trying to work all this out so we can get along... just shut your pie hole."

Da cuz goes "See PG. If you have something to gain, do it. Don't worry about shit."

So now I'm sitting up wide awake at 2am because I'm concerned about what I'm doing this weekend. On top of that I basically blew off another chick who wanted to hang out because having 3 or 4 chicks on my plate is confusing enough and she's the least of the choices.

I haven't made a decision, but this is the actual point of this whole fucking post which I almost totally forgot. I dont' think the girls that I saw that were ugly but "had great personalities and everything I have been looking for outside of an awful body" really were that great. The second I met a girl I really DID enjoy who wasn't physically what I'm looking for I was all about her. I just am having a hard time telling the difference between acceptance and contribution. I'm not looking for someone who will put up with me. There are plenty of girls out there that are looking for companionship who find me funny. They will sit there and laugh at my stupid shit, be the other side of any conversation, and do things I enjoy... but you know what? There aren't a lot of girls who actually CONTRIBUTE to the fun. I don't need a groupie, I need a partner in crime. CG is a partner in crime. She's awesome. Even though she doesn't have a banging ass and a flat stomach... she's a huge turn on because she actually CONTRIBUTES to the fun instead of just experiencing the fun WITH me.

I'm going to go so far as to say she's opened my eyes to the truth. Well, her and Dork have. Those two girls are not the two hottest chicks I've met. PG, Girl with a C, and a few before I started writting this blog are all much more attractive than CG, but CG has something they don't... a personality that actually makes hanging out with her more fun than hanging out here just telling stories out to space. I think Dork will take it a step further when it comes to contributing, but I don't think she'll be as edgy as CG, so they are pretty much neck and neck in personality.

That leads me to another thing that I find awesome in a girl... super intelligence. That's a factor I never realized I was chasing. I LOVE girls who are as smart as I am or smarter. I hate having to tell stories and then explain 3 different parts of it because she didn't get it. I don't like being the only one bringing anything interesting to the table. I don't like when girls don't understand where things are coming from or can't follow a complex train of thought. I enjoy girls who are like top 5% of the intelligence scale. Common sense I hold constant because I wouldn't fuck around with someone who had absolutely no street smarts, but when a girl is street smart and has incredible book smarts it's most of the battle already. Dork and CG are both very smart. They are witty, get it, and bring shit to the table when it comes to intellectual conversation. That's been more of a turn on (in the terms of the long haul) than PG's perfect D tits. Of course, when she is in her little tank top with her nipples poking through it's extreme RIGHT NOW turn on... but when it comes to a relationship... the tits are great... but having a girl who knows that what I just said was a quote from Plato... that's so awesome.

So that's two new things I realized I'm looking for and a real reason why I feel that I'm not so shallow anymore. I THOUGHT those girls were cool, but they weren't. I was just looking for the wrong stuff. All I thought I wanted was patience, kindness, and acceptance when in reality i was looking for intelligence and contribution more so than anything else. When I find that, the looks and all the other bullshit goes out the window... the problem is I don't find it often.

oooh... potential plot twist. CG text'd me about an hour ago... but I didn't get the mother fucker because I had sent Cuz a txt that failed to send about 3 hours ago and i can't receive anything until I clear the message. "are you up?" "yes, what's up?" No response. I'm sure she's fast asleep. If this is a "I can't hang out on saturday..." well... that would clear shit up a bit... but be hilarious after I had this whole self realization because of her company.

Anyways... 2am is my breaking point. That gives me 5 minutes to be sleeping or I won't make it to my last day at my temp job. If I remember, I'll tell the story of how I fucking robo served this bitch at my job and also caught a deadbeat vendor in the collateral damage. Nothing like rattling my cage thinking I'm a goofy temp and realizing that you just drew the guns of the navarone. I actually can't wait to tell that story.

How long are you willing to wait for sex?

2006-08-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

What a fucking question (I guess that's fuck proper as well as figuratively... lololol gimmie those ribs). I got this from a girl this weekend. I really dig her so far from our conversations via eharmony, but that question floored me. It was the first thing she asked me once we were out of structured communication and she worded it just like that. "How long are you willing to wait for sex?"

What the hell do you say to that? I said something like, "I don't put an expiration date on a relationship because of sex. It would be foolish to give up on a good thing because my sexual time table was different than the girl I'm getting to know."

I thought I did a good job, but let's take it a step further. Why was she asking me this question? Why was it the first thing she wanted to know? First thing that comes to mind is she is either a virgin or that she puts a specific time table on sex that is longer than what is traditionally accepted*. I do have a somewhat sexual slant on my profile. I make it clear that I want to meet someone who knows what she's doing and that girls uninterested in sex are things I "can't stand." She also mentioned that this is her first try at online dating and that she's only been on eharmony for about 2 weeks, so she might just think that all guys are looking for one night stands.

Of course, I think the worst... that she is the kind of girl who won't hold hands for a year and then will only do so with mittens on. I picture myself shaking hands with her after our 10th date and wondering why I'm on edge. I just don't think I can deal with THAT again. If I was 100% happy with a girl it would mean that she's open to all the stupid shit I do, is funny, patient, pretty, and an animal between the sheets. If I could bring a girl 4 wheeling, come home, clean up, have wild spider monkey on meth sex, and then play video games with her... well... I'd just give her half my stuff because she'd be my first ex wife one day. Take out any part of the perfection and you don't have a perfect relationship. If she's funny, pretty, but a zero in bed... that's not perfect. If she's wild in bed, pretty, but stupid... not perfect. You get the picture

Does that mean if a girl wants to wait a month or two before having sex that I throw her out of my life? Absolutely not. It does mean that I want to have sex... but WHEN is not really a concern. Shit... the last girl I dated seriously and I didn't have sex for almost 9 months. If I really care about a girl then I'm not going to freak out over sex... but I'm also not going to walk around with an iron bar in my skivies either. If she is cool with hooking up but doesn't want to be bent over the couch for a while... fine.

This girl is pretty, smart, funny, and is into all sorts of things that I'm into. She's a "one off" in looks... now that's not a bad thing... it's just that I don't picture her as a swimsuit model... I picture her as the hot librarian. Probably because she said in her words "here I am wearing my hot librarian glasses." She's not the stereotypical pretty girl but is very good looking none the less. She's one of the few girls I've met on eHarmony that really make me excited for our next communication... and probably the first that's made me so excited because of the actual content of her profile above and beyond her looks (which are great too). This is the kind of girl (if she turns out to be like I think she is) that I'd be 100% fine with even if she wasn't that great looking at all. I hope to have more intel on her this week.

So what happened to the Girl with a C? Exactly... NOTHING. I called her twice this week, sent her a couple text messages... nothing. I don't know how to handle her at all and I think this is her polite way of saying "thanks, but no thanks." I could be 100% wrong. Especially since I'm somewhat intimidated by how much I dig her and how good looking she is, but I'm just not fucking around anymore. I'm going to chase as much tail as possible and when the dust settles I'll have SOMEONE.

Pretty Girl is back in the picture. If you are new here, she's the one in the city who I went out with a couple times and after I spent the night at her place (hookup, no sex) she told me she was getting back with her ex only to break up with him 2 weeks later. She got back in touch with me via text messges, but when I asked "so, we going to hang out?" she stopped replying. I tried calling her 3 different times throughout the week to see what her deal was. Then a few days later I sent her an email that went like this, "Look, I can't read you. You break our 'thing' off to get back with your ex, you leave him, get back in touch with me, but I still have no idea if you want to see me again. I'd like to see you, but you don't answer your phone and when I asked you in text messages you didn't reply. Get back to me when you've made up your mind." She doesn't reply. Over the next week she leaves a bunch of comments on my myspace page. Then, on Friday, I met a couple real nice chicks that live in my building and while I was there they asked me for my myspace address. They both left me a ton of comments on Friday night and Saturday morning. Then I get a call from Pretty Girl.

She leaves a message like "Hey, it's Pretty Girl. Just wanted to say hi. Give me a call back." No content... but it's voicemail... what do you expect? I call her back and she answers the phone "Hey, I was just commenting on your myspace." I click back over and she's posted some picture with a clearly sexual message.

Pi: "So, how have you been?"
PG:"Good... you sure have a lot of chicks posting on your page!"
Pi: "Yeah, they're pretty cool. Met them last night."
PG: "really?"
Pi: "Yup."
PG: "small talk small talk small talk"
Pi: "return of small talk"

30 minutes later

Pi: "So, what's the deal?"
PG: "What do you mean?"
Pi: "Well, you got back with your ex as things were getting interesting between us, then broke up, got back in touch with me, but haven't given me an idea if you wanted to hang out again or not. I don't know how to read you."
PG: "If you wanted to hang out you should have called me!"
Pi: "humna humna humna (very confused. I tried calling 3 times, sent a few texts, and an email)
PG: "I am crazy, I know. I was down in the south for a week, bla bla bla my ex, bla bla bla"
Pi: "OK, so let's hang out this week sometime."
PG: "Definately. I'd like to see you again."

DOUBLE YOU TEA EFF!!!!!1

I tried everything outside of begging to get an indication as to her stance on our 'relationship' and she gave me NOTHING. Then she tells me if I wanted to hang out I should have called her? When I did call her three times? Bizaro.

Saturday night, as I'm getting ready to go out with another chick, I get a text message from Pretty Girl, "I like u." Holy mother of God... affirmation! She said exactly what she had to say to get me back interested... but what strange timing. I really am starting to think that she believed that I was moping around here with no other women in my life. Well... if you count women I'm having sex with then she's right... but I have 2 more girls to give updates about after this rant. I will make plans with her for some time this week... maybe during the week at my place... or over the weekend at hers... but I'm going to see her and I expect her to feel obligated to get me off one way or the other. Cross your fingers for sex, but who would turn down Krang?

The girl I was going to see when I got that text is Cool Girl. I don't really know what to call her, but I do think she's pretty cool, so that fits. She's fun to talk to, she's fun to hang out with, she "gets" it so far, and she's into me so far, so how could I say no? Well, she's not exactly what I'm looking for physically, but it's not like she's so far off that it's a blatent NO! She's a little short and a little chubby. Not that she's hangy gross fat, but she's got a little belly that's a little more than I'm used to. I still find her attractive... especially since she's so cool to talk to... so she's still in the mix. (I figured out the best way to define how I see attractive. It's a YES/NO thing. There are no levels of attractiveness. Either I am attracted or I am not. So when I say attractive that could mean anything from below average to extremely beautiful. When I say unattractive that means that she's not physically a turn on and that's a hard category to fall into because I find beauty in damn near every girl.)

I went up to her place to hang out in some bars in town with her last night and met a bunch of her friends. It was the first time her and I had hung out, so that was a little intimidating, but they had been out for hours when her and I showed up, so they were loose and fun to talk to by then. I actually got along really well with the boyfriends of her friends and the girls were just sort of there. I guess that's a decent start. When I left, the one dude was like "dude, you've got to hang out more often... well... I HOPE... (leans in) Cool Girl's a really good chick... I think you're going to really dig her." Funny part is that I agree. She's nowhere near as hot as Pretty Girl or Girl with a C, but her personality rocks. We left with a parting hug and I drove home... 4 beers deep at 4am. I normally don't even consider myself buzzed until I've had 8 or 10, but it was so late that alcohol wasn't helping due to the "tiredness" factor.

The downside is that she's never had a serious relationship. That fucking scares the shit out of me. She even mentioned trust issues, so there is going to be a bump in the road or two if things work out. She's also damn near an hour away... another bane of my existance. Why can't things work out with local girls? Wait! I know! It's because I'm a big ol country boy living in a foreign land. But that's another post.

Final girl I want to mention is one I didn't get to see this weekend. Don't crucify me for the name... but she's Big Sex. Her priority in the getting to know you process was to make it clear that she wants a guy that LOVES sex because she LOVES sex. She's not a bad looking girl, but from the pictures she selected it appears that she will be quite a bit bigger than what I'm looking for. She's tall and has a pretty face, but she's built big and is carrying some serious extra baggage. I was pretty much talking to her because she supprised the hell out of me with her responses to my questions, but she just isn't an exciting match. I figure going out with a girl you don't think you're going to want to date and ending up having sex with her is better than sitting here having sex with yourself and hoping to find a girl. Who knows? Maybe she's better looking than I'm guessing, but I'm a pro at picking out gross girls from very well framed pictures.

Final? LIES! I have 1 more. She's The Actress. Down home southern girl trying to make it big in the big city. Very tall, pretty girl who's been really fun to chat with thus far. She actually requested communication with me. That normally means just close it before you even take a look because she's 500lbs with one leg and one eye, but when I opened it up and realized she was good looking, talented, AND interested in me... I was pumped. We JUST made it to open communication tonight, so I'll get a chance to actually see how she behaves without training wheels in the next couple days. I couldn't figure it out, but something was missing from the equation. Why is she interested in me? What's so different about her? Something's got to be different... then it hit me. She's from the south! She's not a jaded piece of shit from the city who looks for 100lb guys with pink shirts and white belts... she's a country girl who appreciates a big old country boy. At least it makes sense when I think of it that way. When I visit my family in the country I'm always talking with random chicks. There is just a different perception down there. They like the lumberjacks that go dateless up here. Add in the fact that I speak with a mild northern accent (I still have the absolute slightest southern influence in my voice combined with the fact that I'm a trained singer... those two things basically slaugtered my accent) and they LOVE me. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a pretty little actress in my life. I'm feeling pretty confident that she will dig me and I'd like to eat her liver with some beans and a nice red wine.

And on that note... punching out.

*Traditionally accepted time table for sex is the perceived accepted time table for sex. I don't even know what that means. Maybe she feels that after 3 dates if you're not having sex that it's strange and she needs to point it out. Maybe she means 3 years. Who knows? Because there is no right and wrong when it comes to how long you wait before getting down it makes understanding what people have in their heads very difficult.

I'd also like to point out that putting specific qualifiers on sex trivializes the event. If you say "after 3 dates we can have sex" then what you're really saying is "I don't care who it's with, but if he buys me 3 dinners then I'll let him pump me a few times." Even if you say something like "I want to wait 6 months" then you're still saying that sex is something that must be earned through some sort of sacrafice and once that has been paid you can start getting down.

Sex is fun. If you bring home some random person from the bar for sex, then it's just a fun little activity you can't do alone that you both want to do at that specific time. When sex is in the context of a relationship, it should have more meaning. You should be able to either build up to or wait for the "right" time for you both. It shouldn't be something you see coming from the get go. There are some relationships I've had that were sexual from day one and others where it didn't feel right for a few months. It all has to do with your comfort level. Putting a price on sex, whether it's time, dates, etc is just making it into a transaction. I just can't stand girls that think they are "good girls" because they wait X ammount of time. It just makes you a bad girl who uses sex like a commodity. "This vagina will cost you 3 dinners, 1 movie, a round of mini golf, and a broadway show." Stop it allready and just do it when it feels right... if that's 1 date or 1 year... just be honest with yourself in the context of your relationship.

Working Man

2006-08-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

I worked all week. Tonight I hung out with some ladies who live in my building. I have plans all weekend. My life 180'd fast.

As of this moment things are good for me. I don't know how it happened, but I'm happy. I'm only working a 2 week temp assignment in the purchasing department of a physical rehab clinic, but my attitude has U-turned faster than I could have imagined. When this assignment is up I'm going to take my DOT physical and start delivering packages in the morning and working with my friend's father. That job IS going to work out. I'm not afraid of it anymore.

There is this thing known as "runner's high" that you get when you push yourself beyond what you believe you can do physically and all of a sudden you start feeling peaceful. It's a euphoria you fall into when you've gone too far. It was what I felt ever M/W/F when I was training with the football team and we'd work out like our lives depended on it for 3 hours a day starting at 5am. About half way in I'd given everything I had to give. My heart couldn't beat any faster. My legs were tired and I had nothing left in the tank, but I kept going. I'd run faster, jump higher, change direction faster... I was working like a machine, but my head was saying "enough... you've gone too far."

I've hit a runner's high in my life. I've gone beyond the stress and the pain and the frustration I've felt about everything. I just don't care anymore. I've hit a stride where I'm going to just do it. I'm going to close my eyes and jump. I'm going to pay my rent this month and I'm going to start working for commission only. I'm going to believe in myself. Not because I really do believe in myself, but because I've exhausted all my fears. They can't cut any deeper, so I might as well just take a chance and pretend I can do it until I am doing it. If it doesn't work out right away and I need to change my living arraingments then I have to just do it. I don't want to, but I can't deny a great opportunity like this any longer. I just need to throw myself into it until it works.

The other thing going on is Girl with a C and I... well... I don't know WHAT is going on between us. I don't know how to tell what to say or do next. I have plans with some friends tomorrow night, Saturday I'm meeting up with a new girl, and Sunday I'm torn as to what I want to do. There are 2 other girls I need to start seeing again now that I'm a "working man" but I don't know which to see and when. I would like to get things going with a girl I really hit it off with a while back but had to stop seeing due to monitary problems, but I don't know how to swing it. I'd like to meet a couple new ones, but they aren't exactly obvious choices. They are almost what I'm looking for, but just don't have the looks to back it up.

Why did I start chatting it up with an old flame and a bunch of new ones when I like Girl with a C so much? Exactly. I'm afraid of being hurt by a change of heart or lack of interest in the GwaC situation. She's so cool and so pretty that I really would like to make something of our relationship, but I am stumbing around like this is the first time I've found a girl I'd like to date and I know at some point I'll fuck it up. I think that I'm on thin ice with her at all times even though we've had good times together. That's not right. If she'd just say something that even hinted towards us having potential I'd forget about all these other broads... but that hasn't happened, so I guess we'll have to see.

Tonight I was hanging out with a buddy and we were sitting on my balcony. Down the other side of the building were two pretty girls playing a board game on their balcony. They were loud and drinking and having a good time, so of course they drew my looks a couple times... then one goes "hey, want to come play with us?" "uh... YES." So, we went down to their apartment and hung out for the night. What a supprise. Turns out my buddy knew the one girl from college. She's a serious sex freak. I'll leave it at that. The other one was the pretty girl I'd seen from my window so many times and wondered what her deal was. She's just as pretty face to face and seems pretty cool. I don't know if I'd even have a shot, but I think I might do what I can to get in her good graces. My buddy and I are hanging out in town tomorrow night, so we asked them to come along. I made it clear that I'd like to see her at the bar tomorrow night and she sounded like she'd come. If not, at least I kind of know them now so I can talk to them in the halls and maybe, worst case scenario, feel more comfortable with people in my building.

So much is going on and I have so little time to sit here and post. I'd love to tell it all, but this is the best I can do. It's allready 1am and I have to actually be up to shower and get ready for work in a few hours. Then the weekend... which should be very interesting.

My "Friday" Clean Apartment

2006-08-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

OK, this is two weeks in a row my over cautious and optimistic ass has cleaned this dump from top to bottom on a Friday afternoon just in case the girl I'm seeing would like to come back this way.

I am so careful to make sure there isn't anything that can go wrong. The place is spotless. Nothing that would look bad on me is allowed in this apartment on a Friday afternoon.

I started around 3pm. I was nervous as hell and really wanted to get my job search, rent, bills, and everything out of my head so I just started cleaning. I didn't want a chick to make the mistake of coming this way only to realize the second she walks in the door that she's made a horrible mistake. I vaccumed the whole place. I have a piece of shit stand up that does an awful job, so it takes me about 10 times longer than it should to have this place debris free. After I vaccumed I still wasn't happy so I took the hardwood floor cleaner and mopped the whole place. I then straigtened up the furnature, the books on my book shelf, the wires behind my computer, the kitchen, the dining room, took out the garbage, and put some clothes away. I was sweating like an asshole because I also decided I needed to air the place out and had all the windows open. It was a little to hot in here to be cleaning with the windows open, but I know that smell is the longest lasting memory, so I don't fuck around with it. I took a shower, shaved my face, trimmed my pubes and shaved my balls. I had the whole apartment looking great, made my bed up nice, had just the right clothes to wear, and was ready to go out the door. I found out by accident that if I turn on my walk in closet light in my bedroom that my room has a really soft and somewhat "romantic" look to it. The stand up pole lamp is just too bright seeing as my clothes I took back from my folks' place were still in boxes next to my dresser. It just made it too obvious that I really just pushed shit around instead of picking it up. But the CLOSET light just looks awesome. So I opened the closet door and turned on the light, made sure everything looked really nice one last time, and left.

She looked great. Red top with jeans. Looked very "girl next door" hot. We had another really nice dinner together. Everything went really well again, but here I am... home... and I have been for about 40 minutes. I got home at 9pm from another 7pm date. Our first date was the same thing. In at 7, home by 9. I don't know how to read this chick. We really do have a lot to talk about, we have fun, I really enjoy her company and she seems to enjoy mine. But... no signs at all. I don't know if she's just really shy and wants me to be forward or if that's just how she opperates. Well, the best I can do is keep at it. I need to figure something else out. Find a concert or an activity where we're not just having dinner every time. 1. Dinner is expensive. 2. I think I'd like to see how she acts when we're moving around doing things instead of just sitting down at a restaraunt.

I don't have the self image to think everything's great without hearing it, so if she could just say something to me that would clear up if she thinks we have potential or not, It'd really make me feel much better. Of course, I have been trying really hard to play this one Don Juan De La Neuch and keeping myself away from being clingy and fast moving, but it's so hard.

I do have a spotless apartment though... and that's nice.

Double You Tea Eff - how it all went down

2006-08-17T15:54:00.000-07:00

OK, just got back from my 3pm interview. I had to make a few calls, so I'm not FRESH in the door, but I got home around 6.

It was a cluster fuck. I showed up at 2:30pm at the headquarters and did exactly as my instructions said to do. I walked in the front door near the fountain, went up to the second floor via the elevator, walked through the glass double doors, and told the person at the desk that I had a 3PM appointment with the district manager.

That's when it all went down hill.

"You're here for what?"

"To see the district manager. I have a 3pm appointment as was scheduled by XXX headhunters"

"Wait... you're here for what?"

"zomg... "

Well, they had me sign in, made a call to someone, and I sat and waited in the lobby. About an hour later I get in touch with the number I was given to call about the interview and the woman sounds like I just asked her for the meaning of life. She was like, "Uh, WTF are you talking about? I don't even work there. If there is a job fair, then fill out an application... but I have no idea what you're talking about." Turns out I was given the wrong person's number and name. I had to meet with someone ELSE but didn't have HER name.

The stupid headhunters I'm working with call me from a "Private" number, so I've never saved their number in my phone. I just pull up my notepad file with all my important numbers and dial it off there. I'm panicing at this point. I start calling every number that isn't associated with a caller ID in my phone from the last week. Finally, after reaching two or three people I didn't want to talk to and hanging up on them, I get the woman from the headhunter.

"Hi, they have no idea who I am or why I'm here.... HELP!!!!1"

"This is the first problem we've had. Where are you?"

"I went upstairs, through the glass doors, announced myself to the person behind the desk, and they went "WTF?"

"Let me call and figure this out, I'll call you back."

5 minutes later

"Yeah, she's downstairs. Sorry about that. I gave you the wrong name. Sorry about that too."

At this point it's allready almost 4pm. The woman I'm supposed to interview with is obviously frustrated and venting to someone else about how "everyone wants to interview with me. Tell him to just fill out an app."

"Uh, maam... I am Pi... You approved my resume and set an appointment with me for 3pm. I've been upstairs for an hour and a half waiting to meet you. I've filled out an application already. You are familiar with my credentials that you have received from XXX Headhunters... right?"

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Come with me."

Before we even get to the interview room she's pulled aside 3 times. It took us 20 minutes to even get there and she was getting a phone call a minute the whole time we sat together. Allegidly, her stores were being walked by muckidy mucks and everyone was freaking out and calling her.

She seemed to appreciate my patience and aggressive confidence. She pulled another guy in on the interview and said "this is a good thing. You want to be interviewed by both of us."

Well, as it turns out, I really didn't want to be. The district manager was all about my attitude, my passion, my knowledge, and my patience. The guy was like "uh... you don't have enough experience... how about we forget about this management stuff and just make you a salesman?"

"no."

"Well, ok, why do you think you should be a manager? You only have like 9 months of managerial experience and it's not even with a serious company."

That started him and I off on the wrong foot and I had to agressively combat his questioning. I wanted him to understand that the time I spent in management was of the highest quality and that my sales, customer satisfaction, retail owner satisfaction (of my wholesale clients), and my employee satisfaction were all off the charts. If I had a product like theirs instead of the product I had, I would still be there because I'd have made everyone in that company rich.

I still think I did a great job, but that dude might be the cock block I was hoping to avoid. I seriously think he's jealous of the fact I'm trying to get into management with so little experience after it took him 10 years. Fuck him. Whatever.

Well, who knows where I go from here. I don't think I could have been any more passionate, any more of a leader, show any more knowledge, or been a better applicant. It really is going to come down to personality and experience. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm on the low end of the stick on experience, but blew the doors off personality.

I'm going to be nervous until I hear that I didn't get it. This period of hope and potential is such a tease. I will go the rest of the night replaying the interview over and over in my head and eventually think that I got it. Then tomorrow morning I will hear that I did not. Tonight I will be thinking about what it will be like to pay my bills... tomorrow I will be wondering what went wrong.

It feels so good right now that I know I'm going to feel awful tomorrow.

Nervous Rambling

2006-08-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

Well, I have the last interview today. If this doesn't work out then I'm going to bet it all on a long shot and let it ride until I get evicted or am wildly sucessful. If I get evicted, I'm joining the Army. I put my number in to be contacted by a recruiter. I don't wake up very early when I don't have anything to do, so I'm nervous to check my messages. I'm not real excited about the reality that I've come to such a low possibility of sucess and have turned towards a sure thing like the Army. Sometimes you just have to realize that the world doesn't work like we were told. I really don't want to leave my cats and my fish for a couple years, but I think there are worse things... like if I had a family and didn't get to watch my kids grow up. Whatever.

This interview is about as close to a sure thing as I can get. I don't know how I could be better qualified at this point in my life. Sure, if I was 50 and had been working in the industry my whole life then that would make me a better candidate, but at 25, I really couldn't have anything more to offer if I tried. It's going to be 100% dependent on 2 things: 1. If other applicants have more experience 2. personality. I can't control either of those, so I don't know why I'm so fucking nervous, but I can't help it.

The only good news is that I made plans with the girl from last Friday. I haven't thought of what to call her, but I think "Girl with a C" will work. Oh, and no... C doesn't stand for cock. We chatted for a little bit on the phone and it went very well. Nice short conversation with both of us contributing equally. I did not dominate the call... which I tend to do... a lot. I learned a little about her too. When you have sold so much shit over the phones you learn how to pick up on stupid verbal cues. She was asking me what kind of food I like and I told her, "whatever sounds good to you." She replied with, "Well, I'm trying to think... I don't know of all that many 'good' places around here for dinner." I then say, "The food really doesn't bother me. I'm going for the company anyway." She made a happy/flattered noise. I can't even do that noise. It told me that she might be questioning whether or not I'm "into" this as well and is "hoping" that I am. The fact that it caught her off guard meant that she doesn't traditionally expect someone to be "nice" to her. That's a good thing. It means that when I actually DO say something nice that she will appreciate it. Now, I just have to make sure that I drop a little something here or there but don't go far enough that she expects it.

OKay, about halfway that paragraph my grandmother called to see how I was doing. If I don't answer because I'm busy doing something... like blogging... then she reports back to my family that I'm M.I.A. She'd make a horrible officer in the armed forces because she's be sending home a telegraph saying I had fallen in combat every time I had to take a dump. Long story short, I had to answer, and blew about half the time I was going to spend on this post. Now it's time for my battle prep. I need to be ready for war in exactly 1 hour and 15 minutes.

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... bla bla bla... let's do this.

LOL eHarmony again

2006-08-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

You know... eHarmony does one thing right... they let me fill in the blanks during the multiple choice (closed ended questions) section of the "getting to know you process." I think the picture speaks for itself.

New Feature! (www.talkr.com)

2006-08-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

That's it... I've had it with these MOTHERFUCKIN snakes on this MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE!

I just typed that out so you had something interesting to hear once you clicked the icon above "Listen to this post."

My blog is officially turned into a podcast if you'd like it to be thanks to Talkr.com. Maybe you don't want to read it yourself? Maybe you'd rather hear a pleasant sounding robot woman read this to you? Well, click on the "Listen to this post" link under every title and you'll get to hear it in MP3 format... download it to you mp3 player, etc.

I broke Talkr... and I want to brag about it. But before I do that, a little promotion...

Talkr is a service that uses a text to spech engine to turn blog posts into audio. Why is that good? Well, sometimes I can't read a post if it's too dark or too annoying a layout or whatever and it would be cool to just get it read back to me by a cpu that doesn't require a line of sight to get it done. It also gives you the ability to go around on a Sunday night and download a whole commute's worth of posts from sites you frequent (if they are on talkr) and load them onto your portable media device for the train/car/bus ride into work. I know there are a few blogs I'd like to keep up with that I would download and listen to. I am poor, so I don't have an mp3 player, but if I did, I think I'd enjoy loading a bunch of stuff and listening. It's almost like talk radio, but it's people you eKnow from the internets.

More technically, when you set up Talkr on your blog, what you are doing is pointing them to you RSS feed. For those of you like me who still use Blogger, you can use a service called FeedBurner to turn your default Atom feed into an RSS Feed which is compatable with Talkr. I think Blogger is actually churning out RSS now, but I didn't feel like messing with it. FeedBurner makes my feed look awesome. It's not like anyone is subscribed to it, but if one day the world opens up and swallows every other writter in the world it would come in handy.

THIS IS IMPORTANT:

If you are like me and can't type two sentences without spelling something incorrectly, don't copy and paste your entries directly from MS Word. For some reason, if you do, it will mess up your feed. Word puts some funky tags around it's posts, so if you do copy and paste from Word, you need to paste it to Notepad first, select it all again, and paste it to Blogger (or whatever service). That way you'll kill the stupid tags, get everything spelt correctly, and still be able to use Talkr.

Talkr is a relatively new service, so the kinks are being worked out as it goes along, but I like it. It's basically a novelty to me, but I don't have an mp3 player, so I just listen to some blogs on my PC instead of reading. For people who really enjoy reading, but would like something to do while commuting or doing whatever, this would be an awesome service.

Patience

2006-08-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

I don't have any. Not one ounce of patience in my body. If I am unsure of something, I must have it cleared up immediately. This doesn't help when you're trying to play it smooth with girls you've just met. In fact, it's probably the opposite of good.

It all goes back to the power struggle involved in the getting to know you process. If you seem to eager or too available then you're going to come off as weak and desperate. If you are too distant then she'll lose interest. You have to find that comfortable medium where you are showing enough interest in her to keep her in the game, but not so much that it's too easy.

Well, I faked patience and I won this time.

I went out with an awesome girl I met off eHarmony on Friday night. The date went perfectly, but it was very short. She is beautiful and funny, so I immediately become awkward and start second guessing how I look. Well, I didn't know how to handle the next call. I really wanted to see her again, and we had a good time, but she didn't give me any sort of indication to the likelyhood of another date.

So what do I do? Do I call her? Well, her phone sucks and she doesn't get reception at her house or the barn where she rides, so it's hard to time a call to her to begin with. I could text her... but how do you pull that one off? When is too soon? What do you do?

Well, I was talking to a friend who basically said "dude, shutup... let it play out" and I did. Tonight I get a text from her saying she had a great time and asking if I'd like to see her again.

Huray!

Anyways, I sent her one back and said I would definately like to see her again and asked when would be a good time to give her a call (because of her phone). She said she'd call me tomorrow.

I'm happy about this one. Let's hope it's got legs.

PS. If you have really shitty reception, you can still text message. If you have ever been someplace where you are going from zero to one bar over and over and your voice is chopping up, try it out, send a text, it works fine.

Emotions: Part Deux [Hope you're happy, Jess]

2006-08-13T16:56:00.000-07:00

OK, first of all, here's the original post: http://3point1four.blogspot.com/2006/08/emotions-to-be-continued-jess.html

When I publish this one, it will probably knock the original off the page, so there's your reference point.

Now, to begin with, I'll explain my motivation for the original post. I started to, but got sidetracked by 120 degree heat the first time, so here goes. I met the city girl on eHarmony (like most of the ladies I've met the past year or so) and when we were talking on the phone for the first time she was talking about how much she "hated" her ex. That was the first red flag that was thrown. If you think about the people you've honestly HATED in your life, they aren't just annoyances, they are affecting something that you love... or... you loved them at some point.

You don't hate the cornball in the office who uses "case of the Mondays" every week. He's just a douche. You DO hate the landlord who raises your rent because he's been getting too many complaints about your children being too loud, forcing you to move your family. Why?

Love and Hate are linked emotions.

There are two ways I picture the whole table of emotions. The first is a circle, like the color wheel in the previous post. Emotions don't have hard, clear lines stopping one and starting the other. I can't remember a single time that I fell in love that I was like "ok, I don't like her anymore as of today, I love her." You slowly transition from one feeling to another. You can enjoy someone's company to begin with and then slowly, as time goes on and you learn more about that person, end up loving them without any clear cut stages. It's not like walking up and down steps, it's like a big smooth slide. It's impossible to define love. People have tried. There is a definition in the dictionary (which I won't quote like a hack), but how significant is a definition when you can't draw boundaries?

For every person, the lines that separate the different "stages" are different. I have a friend that says he knows when he's in love when he would honestly take a bullet for someone. For someone else it's when she pops into his mind when he's really enjoying something. For another person I know, it's when they can't picture what their life would be like without the other person. But what really defines the line between "like and really care about" and "love?"

I don't believe there is a line, and that's why I have the color wheel. When you look at it, you see the standards... red, blue, yellow, etc. The farther back you stand from a color wheel, the easier it is to point and say "at that point it's red, but to the left, that's orange." The problem is when you take a really close look and have to draw a line and say "everything on the left is orange and everything on the right is red with absolutely NO crossover." Is that even possible?

Now, for the second part of this, where do the emotions go on the wheel? Well, the way I see it, love and hate are at the top. They are the two closest emotions. The opposite of being in love/hate with someone is complete indifference, so I put that on the bottom of the circle. On one side of the circle I'd put all the positive feelings toward someone from indifference going to love and I do the same thing on the other side with all the negative feelings.

That is how I picture the emotional spectrum in relation to dating. You normally start out at indifference. A girl walks into the bar and you see her. You are indifferent. You take a closer look when ordering a drink and she's visually what you're looking for, so now you've got a positive interest in her. You introduce yourself. She seems really nice. Now you're curious. You dance with her all night and get her number. You call her up and go out for another date. You get a chance to sit someplace quiet and get to know her a bit and now you're starting to like her. You continue meeting up and as you learn more about her and become more comfortable with her. Now, you're seeing how she works. You really like her views, her morality, her goals in life... they all seem to be perfect. She's wonderful for you and now you care about her deeply. More time goes on and you can't imagine what your life would be like without her. You're in love. The relationship is only getting better and now you have a strong and pure love for this girl. You see yourself spending the rest of your life with her.

You've gone up the positive side from indifference to pure honest love.

Then she starts acting "funny." You can sense something is wrong. You call her and she doesn't answer the phone. She starts blowing off plans and you start becomming suspicious. You start fighting. Things just don't feel like they used to but you don't know why. You go over her place to pick her up on a Friday night and she says "we have to talk." You sit down with her and she admits that she's been cheating on you. You can't believe what you're hearing. How could she? How could she possibly go off and ruin YOUR life as well as HER'S? What a bitch? Cheating, lieing, WHORE! You hate her. You absolutely can't even look at her. You're in a rage. You're screaming at her and even her tears do nothing because all you have in your heart is hate. You smash some stuff and storm out. The only thing you can think of is how you've been tricked by some cunt that has no respect even after all the time and energy you put into this "awesome loving relationship." You go home and cry angry tears. You can't believe you fell for someone who could hurt you so deeply. Some time goes on and you relax a bit. You realize that the awesome loving relationship was only there if you ignored all the small problems that were building up over the time you were dating. Your hatred starts dieing down as you start thinking rationally about the situation. After some time, you don't "hate" her anymore, but hearing her name still makes the hairs stand up on the back of your neck. You REALLY dislike her and would still take pleasure in hearing about her car being stolen, but you're not about to do it yourself. Later, you don't really care about what's going on with her anymore, but you really don't want to have her thrown in your face. You don't like hearing about what she's doing now because it still bothers you a little. When you run into her you immediately go the other way. You still can't stand to think about her in the same room. Eventually, you can say she was a jerk, but that you were better off without her in the long run anyway. You still don't like her, but it's just because she's not the kind of person you want to be around. Finally, you run into her and don't care anymore. You notice her across the room and really could care less. She could be blowing some stranger in the corner and you'd point and laugh with your friends. You meet her new boyfriend and it doesn't bother you. You are 100% indifferent to what she does or does not do.

The other way a relationship could end is just to "peter out." Nothing bad happens, but you just sort of go back down the positive side to a point where you just don't feel any reason to stay with this other person. Instead of typing out another massive paragraph about it, just read the "positive side" paragraph again... backwards.

So, when are you over your ex? This is what I was asking myself when I heard the city girl say "I hate him. He's such an ass and hurt me when I needed him." It immediately made me worried that he was still a part of her life... or that he would be.

"But, Pi... that doesn't make any sense. Why would you have a better chance at getting back together with your ex if you "hate" them?"

This leads into the second way I see the emotional spectrum. You can list every emotion by intensity or passion. Again, we'll start at indifference all the way at the bottom. Indifference is the total lack of passion. There are no feelings one way or the other. You read in the paper that your ex is getting married or died in a horrible car accident... "oh, I knew her." You just have absolutely no feelings for someone whatsoever. From there, you can start going "up" either the positive or negative side of the circle and find matching emotions on both sides. "sort of like" and "sort of dislike" would be paired up one step above indifference and so on until you reached the top with "love" and "hate."

To visualize this a bit, picture this:

Love/Hate
Care deeply for/Care deeply against
Care about/Care about
Really Like/Really Dislike
Like/Dislike
Sort of Like/Sort of Dislike
Indifference

(Holy shit... I need a thesaurus)

The top of that list is the most passion, the bottom is the least. I'm not saying that's everything, that's just a quick "visualization" of what I'm talking about.

Relationships are based on passion. No matter who you are, you want to be with someone you have strong feelings for. Even if it's someone you simply can't stand and every time he comes over drunk at 3am it makes you spitting mad, it's better than being with someone you could give two shits about. When you factor in memories of good times, even if you can't stand someone, you are going to think about it and realize "you still have feelings for" that person. You do, and they are way up on the intensity scale.

It's very easy to mistake one side for the other. They are not so different. That's why I use the "color wheel" plus the "intensity scale" to define what I see as the stages of a relationship. It's really hard to draw the line between "he drives me crazy" and "we have a crazy love." Some people will stay together just because the feel SOMETHING as opposed to nothing. Some people will get BACK together just because they still have all these intense feelings... though negative... and all these positive memories. It really clouds up the decision making process, and I can DEFINATELY see how it is very understandable. That's how you end up with the woman calling 911 because her husbands slapping her around and then as the cops are dragging him out the woman jumps on the cop's back to try and stop them. It's the whacky "intensity is good" feeling people have.

Is it really better to feel something than it is to lack any feelings? I don't know, but after a couple dates, the city girl went back with her douchebag ex who she "hated." I was right in being somewhat wary of her "hatred." I hate being right when it loses me chicks.

You know what the best part was? About 2 weeks later she txt messages me that they are broken up again and that she thinks she's crazy. I had a similar conversation to this post with her. I told her how I felt about "hating" exes. It's really not where you want your new girlfriend to be due to the fact that her having passionate feelings for someone who she has positive history with just makes it too likely that she will go back.

I will have to let this post sit for a while and come back and edit it... I don't like it, I don't think YOU'LL like it, and I don't think I'm clear... but it's all you get for tonight on THIS topic.

The Best DUI arrest ever

2006-08-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

OK, I found this at www.break.com and it's clearly watermarked Big-boys.com, so I have no idea who was the first to post this, but it does apear to be reno 911... anyways, enjoy:

As seen on Break.com

Best Dream Ever

2006-08-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling like the ultimate badass. In fact, I was actually able to fall back into my dream after my alarm went off and continued being the biggest badass ever. It is so rare that you kinda wake up from a dream and then are able to fall back into it... I guess I really wasn't that awake.

Well, this is how it went.

I was hanging out on a street corner when some dude walked by that I could tell was pure evil. He saw me notice him and ran away. I chased him through the streets and caught him behind a liquor store where I beat the fucking shit out of him. Then I held him up by his shirt and said "You aren't the one I'm after... where is he?" He wouldn't talk so I just kept smashing his face in until he finally told me that "he doesn't know, but this person might."

I throw him down and go after this other guy. For some reason, I'm the only one that can tell that these dudes are evil. I can see through them to some connection with a great darkness. I find the second guy just where the first guy told me I would. This guy was in the basement of a club in town. Everyone else was hanging out, dancing, drinking, and not even noticing that this fucking demon man was sitting right there. I sat down next to him at the bar and just told him I knew he too, was evil and that I was going to get what I came for. He threw his drink in my face and ran to the back of the club, out the door, into a manhole, and kept going. I chased him all the way into the sewers and just couldn't catch up with him. I didn't know it, but he was leading me right to where I wanted to go.

Finally I tackle his ass and start brawling with this second evil guy. He's tougher than the first guy, but I still beat his ass. I'm standing over him catching my breath when I hear something behind me. I turn around and it's the devil himself. I look back down at the dude who I just beat to death and say "thanks."

[this could have been the longest dream I've ever had btw.]

The devil and I are standing there looking at each other. He's a huge gargoyle looking demon thing standing on goat legs with big black wings that fill the massive sewer pipe we're standing in. The ceilings were really high... like 20 feet... but he filled the room without even opening his wings.

He says something to me that I can't understand (but dream me could somehow) and then smashes me in the face with a backhand that throws me against the wall.

I get up and say, "Hey, pussy, you know if you want this to go down you can't do it in that form. I know you've been waiting for me a long time. I've been waiting for this too. If you really think you can beat me, do it in human form."

The devil all of a sudden tuns into a huge white guy and we start fighting. It's like a boxing match though, not a street fight. I catch the devil with a serious punch and he staggers. I realized that I could do this, but as we were fighting, other demons started appearing around the room. They were watching, but they were screaming things out and flapping around their huge wings and really being a distraction. I didn't trust them enough to get close even though I knew they wouldn't do anything.

The Devil catches his ballance and just starts beating the ever loving shit out of me. I'm talking really catching me flush with every punch he throws and there was nothing I could do about it. I was starting to lose consciousness when all of a sudden I had a thought.

You've been waiting for this your whole life. They are all counting on you. You can't go down like this.

All of a sudden I had a massive surge of energy, side stepped a punch, and landed the hardest shot of my life right into the devil's stupid face. This time I wouldn't stop. I just kept beating the hell out of him, but now it turned more into a street fight. He threw another punch that I was able to catch, and then I took him to the ground and started just alternating rights and lefts to his face as hard as I could possibly throw them. I could feel the Devil's strength going away because he couldn't stop the punches as well and then he wasn't stopping them at all. Eventually, I realize that I'm going to win for real. I stand up, put my left hand on his chest, and start just smashing him as hard as I can, but now I'm not worried about them being blocked. I just keep throwing the hardest punches I can possibly throw until I hit what SHOULD have been a solid skull and feel it give way.

I killed The Devil himself. I stop throwing punches and just stand over him for a second. I look away for a moment and look back and the corpse is now back in natural devil form. All the demons watching had fallen silent watching him die. I realize for the first time that I'm probably still going to die even though I just did the impossible. I wanted to show that I wasn't scared and that I didn't give a shit what the demons thought, so I grab the Devil by the leg and throw him into the crowd. All the demons cower and start acting scared.

One of the demons who looked different walked out and said "You are the new ruler of Hell." All the other demons bowed down and got on their knees to avoid my rage.

Still out of breath, still in shock, still in battle mode, I turn to him and say "fuck that, I'm not evil. I'm God's greatest weapon and I've been in search of this asshole for a long time. I've done what I wanted to do and I won't be corrupted by any of this 'power'."

The demon then says, "Pi, relax... look at me again." I turn and look and he's all in white with pure white wings, pale skin, and blonde hair. "I'm an angel. I have been sent here to tell you God is pleased with what you have done, and has given you all of Hell as a reward."

"I don't want to go to hell. I want to go to heaven."

"You must. It is God's will."

"But I've been a good man. I've taken out the minions of hell my whole life. I've fought and bled and done everything God has asked of me... why would God want me to suffer now?"

"You don't understand, Pi... Hell is not an evil place. It was just run by the most evil of all the angels. Now that you are in control, you may do with it as you wish."

"Isn't hell full of evil people? I just don't want to. I never wanted to go there..."

"If you don't go, then there will be no order in the heavens. We NEED you to be in control."

"Look, if I'm going to do this, I don't want to be locked in hell"

"You won't be."

"I want to be able to go wherever I please when it comes to the afterlife."

"You have earned that right."

"I will take The Devil's powers, but I will not take his throne."

AND THEN I WAKE UP.

That was the strangest/longest dream I've ever had. I've NEVER had so much of a scene play out in my head. The most has been maybe an activity or two, but never dialogue, changing locations, different activities, plot twists... if I was a half decent writter I'd try to make this into a short film for fuck's sake.

I'm sure 99% of you won't believe I really dreamed this, but fuck you... I did... and I'm just as amazed as you are.

Relativity, The State (and reform) of The American Educational System, Current Media Trends... also cocks

2006-08-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I watching my own movie on youtube and IE crashed. Dumb on so many levels... Well... I lost this whole post, so you get the short version (YES!).

Everything is relative. Nothing can exist without something to compare it to. You can't have a vacation if you don't work. You can't have fun if you don't suffer a bit. You can't appreciate relaxation without exertion. There would not be hot chicks if there were no ugly ones. At that point, the least hot chicks would be hideous and the best of the best would be hot. You can’t say it’s hot out unless you are comparing it to another time when it was not as hot. It’s just the way the world works.

When I left my last job I was actually pretty excited to have the opportunity to enjoy my liquor cabinet, video games, staying up all night, and sleeping all day. Oh, did I take advantage of it. I was shooting people on xbox live all day and grinding out exp on EQ all night long. I was having such an awesome time. No responsibilities, some money in the bank, unemployment checks about to come in, a “cabinet” full of booze… I had it made.

Fast forward a few months and the booze has run dry, the money’s gone, the games are no longer fun, and I’ve become nocturnal. The comfortable apartment I couldn’t wait to relax in has become a prison.

Now, the only thing I want is to go to bed early, wake up with something to do, and suffer through a day of soulless work.

I was reading my friends’ away messages this morning. Most of them have something up in reference to this being Monday and how much they were frustrated that the weekend was over. I wanted to slap them all with a message like “Yo, if you didn’t have a job to go to during the week you’d have nothing to look forward to on the weekend.” I’m telling you, the difference between Wednesday and Saturday in my life is how many incoming phone calls I get from shitty jobs between the hours of 10 and 3. I don’t have the funds to go out and enjoy myself. I don’t see friends on the weekends. I don’t do anything differently on a Friday then I would on a Tuesday. It’s no fun at all.

Speaking of fun, I do want to talk about what’s important in life and why I believe the educational system needs to be revamped. All I am really concerned with is enjoying myself. That’s it. That’s all I want to do. I want to go out, have a few beers, make out with some drunk bitches, work on my truck, hang out with my buddies, and not concern myself with things that are outside of my control. Unfortunately, not much is WITHIN my control right now, so even the things I used to like to do are gone. The only things I have left are the internet, the power, and my bed. Outside of that, I have no options.

I wish someone had told me growing up that 99% of people will grow up in empty meaningless lives in a constant struggle to figure out why they are here and what they will bring to the world. I was joking with my best friend about this once. I would love to just take a full classroom, say “everyone raise your hand… first one wins” and then take that first lucky student and put them on one side of the room. Then I’d take everyone else and put them on the other. The lesson would go as follows:

See, kids, Danny raised his hand first without even knowing why. He was picked at random among a sea of equals as the one that wins. What did he win? He is the happy one. That’s how this life works. For one reason or another, 1 out of ever 50 people will find a life that they truly enjoy. Everyone else… that is all of you on the other side of the classroom… will lead meaningless, empty, disappointing lives and end up settling for nothing because that’s all that you have.

Sure, a lot of you will get great jobs, have wonderful families, and be very successful, but with every person comes a stack of desires. I am blanking out on who said it, but it’s your “Hierarchy of Needs.” Safety is the most basic. If you don’t have safety then nothing else matters. Once you feel safe (as in roof over your head, food on the table) then you start thinking about other things like sociality, acceptance, respect, fulfillment, all that jive. Unfortunately, it’s like a drug. You can never get enough.

There will be a time in your life when all you want is safety. You will dream of a place to live and a job to pay the bills. Once you have that, you will want more. Now, you’re looking to be social with the people around you… you want to be popular. Then you want this and you want that until you finally have all the things you thought you wanted, but you lack fulfillment. You desperately spend the rest of your life looking for a reason beyond the things you have accumulated that will define who you are and why you were born.

Sorry kids… only Danny ever feels that. Not that you didn’t try. Not that you didn’t deserve it. Not that he worked any harder or deserved it anymore than you did. That’s just how it works. One person will find something that means the world to them and actually have an opportunity to devote their lives to that cause. That could be as big as changing the world or as small as having a nice front lawn.

What Danny found was a combination of opportunity and luck. Every one of you has something… or you will have something… that you really care about. You will have something you believe in that brings you happiness above and beyond the pleasures inside your own little world. What you fail to realize, and I hope I’m making this clear, is that most of you… as in everyone of you over there… will not have the ability to do what you want. Either it’s the wrong time, you don’t have the means, you never happened to find it before it was too late, you didn’t have the skills to get it done… or, like today, you just didn’t think to raise your hand first. It could be THAT random, but the thing that you believe fills you up inside and makes you feel warm and happy to your soul could be lost forever as easily as Danny raising his hand before you did just because he happened to be looking at me when I said “raise your hands.”

This doesn’t mean to give up on all the things that are important to you. This means that you have to be OK with your dreams just being dreams. You have to understand that just because you want to do something doesn’t mean that you will ever get a chance to do it. Not even the simplest and most easily attainable goals are a sure thing. You have to learn to cope with losing everything you ever thought gave you purpose and drive to be the best person you could be and accept the fact that you’re not the only one… you’re the majority.

If you’re looking for a bright shiny ending to this story where you hear how you too could find the happiness you always dreamed of, don’t hold your breath. There is no such happiness available just because you want it. All the people who have been holding your hand and telling you how the world is yours for the taking and all you have to do is be a good person, treat people right, work hard, and pray to your God are lieing to you. That whole “you can do whatever you set your mind to” stuff only goes so far… Even a monkey falls out of a tree sometimes, and you MUST be OK with that and be able to accept less than you first thought was well within reach.

The world is not fair. People don’t get what they deserve. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake.

So, is that depressing or what? You think so? Anyone… yes.

“Mr. Point14, I think it’s very sad. I don’t want to be depressed my whole life.”

Did I say you were going to be? What I’m saying is don’t think just because you deserve anything that you’re going to get it. Don’t think that because it’s so easy for everyone else that you’ll be able to do it too. Don’t think because you were born and you did your homework that you will wake up one day in your 10,000 square foot mansion on the ocean and wonder how you got so lucky.

Everything in life is a sacrifice, a compromise, a give and take that never ends up exactly how you always dreamed it would be. Sure, you might have the car you always wanted, the dream job, the beautiful wife, the perfect kids, but there will always be something missing because the desire to improve and wring the world out for everything it can possibly give us is what defines us as humans. We are motivated by an emotional greed that will never sleep. It will never stop. It will never let go of your soul.

“But, Mr. P, how can you say that’s not depressing?”

You want a silvery lining to this dark cloud of unfair reality? Well here goes… You need to get yourself used to enjoying the things you have in front of you for what they are. You need to prioritize your life, find out where you fit, and be happy with that. Sure, most of you will not be happy because your emotional greed drives you to find that fulfillment we all dream of, but if you can take things down to the simplest, lowest common denominator and enjoy that, then you can at least go on. I’m talking about happiness. True happiness is not reaching a goal. It’s not winning a prize. It’s not having everything… it’s focusing on the things in your life that you enjoy. It’s not looking down on what you are and wishing you were like Danny. Danny just got lucky. He was in the right place at the right time and found himself doing what he loves in a way that brings him happiness. Maybe for you that’s your garden, your kids, you dog… who knows? Maybe you like to read, so you do all the reading you can and just enjoy it for what it is.

Don’t get caught up in the relativity of your happiness. Like I mentioned in a previous lesson, everything is relative. Sure, you don’t have a lot of money compared to the guy down the block, but you have what you need to go out to the movies every weekend… and you love seeing movies… so who needs what he’s got? What you have brings YOU happiness NOW. Don’t compare, don’t ladder the things you enjoy. I enjoy playing video games… I’m a grown man who will sit down in front of the TV for hours because I LOVE playing video games. Is that socially acceptable? I don’t think it’s unacceptable, but it’s certainly not looked up to. You know what? It’s OK for me. I love my truck. It makes me HAPPY to ride in it. Sure, it’s not a Bentley, but it makes ME happy, so I enjoy it for what it is. Sure, I’m single, 25 years old, and would love to be on a track to a family, but you know what? That isn’t the hand I was dealt. I didn’t raise my hand. I’m with the rest of you. It doesn’t mean I give up on that dream. I don’t think it’s impossible, I’m still a young man, but I’m not going to wallow in sorrow and cry myself to sleep every night because things didn’t work out to my plan. I’m going to do the things that make me feel good and keep doing them until I move on to other things that make me happy.

Also cocks.

Sunday, Day 10

2006-08-06T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have nothing but bad things in my head right now. I don't want any of them documented. I don't have anyone to talk to, so I just keep typing it all up and deleting it. Type it again... delete it... take another angle... delete it.

My family thought I was dead today. They are at the point where if I don't answer my phone after they try to call me twice that they are ready to call the cops to kick in my door. My Father and Grandmother both tried to call yesterday... at 8am, 10am, and 10pm. I wasn't awake for the first two, the third one rang in while I was in the bathroom and didn't realize until today that I missed them. My mother then tried emailing me and telling me how worried she was that "I had done something awful."

I don't know how to reach out to them and say I want help.

I want someone to talk to. My best friend who I love like a brother is out in California and it's just not the same now that he's gone. I used to get like this and just go and crash on his couch until I had said everything I wanted to say. He always agreed. He always could see where I was coming from. He never judged or thought I was crazy. It was the affirmation I would get and the validity I felt for having these emotions that made me feel better. It was screaming out that I want to cut someone's head off and mail it to their mother and having him agree that he DOES feel the same way. It was not wanting to say anything and not saying anything, yet both of knowing exactly what was going on.

Having someone like that in your life is more important than I ever imagined. When I was in high school it was Jack and Little Dawggg. In college it was Cpt. R and later Skin and Double J. At home it was always my best friend. Everyone of them is off living their own lives and doing very well for themselves, but here I am... the codependant ass spouting off on a blog because he has nobody to talk to at 3am... WHO DOES?

I'm feeling so sick to my stomach. I have a headache which is very odd for me... I'm talking 1 headache I can remember my whole life.

I have never wanted to die. I figure that I'll die soon enough just by being a jackass, but I feel like such a coward now because I should be in prison. I should have done what needed to be done and taken the rap like a man. How much worse could things be? It's like someone's telling me "Dude, you're a pussy... see how bad things have become? Would they have been worse if you had just done what you needed to do that day?" Would anything be different? My life would be the same, only instead of owing rent I'd be owing time. I'm in my own prison right now. Sure, I don't have to fight, but you know what? Prison doesn't sound so bad right now... a life of knowing I'm a coward does. It's too late now... I can't go back and take care of unfinished business... that night I would have received 8 to 10 years tops... today it would be life. The way things are going, I'm going to be in my current prison for the next 10 years or so anyway, might as well have been a man about it. If it had been day 11 of that 10 day wait when I found out... if day 10 didn't land on a Sunday...

I didn't apply for that reason. I just wanted one. I have always wanted one. At that point I was old enough, responsible enough, had enough money to buy one, had all the permits lined up on my desk, and I was on my 10th day when the world changed.

If that store was open later on Sundays... if I had walked in there one day sooner... if it had happened one day later... anything... I'd be living the same life in different clothes.

please... someone care about me without obligation. Someone understand. Someone tell me I'm not crazy.... or say that I am... but understand.

I got a text message that was very unique yesterday. It was the only time anyone's ever said something like this to me. I didn't think that messages like this ever got communicated... at least nobody had ever said something like this to me:

"I'm glad you didn't move to Colorado"

Someone is happy I'm here. Sure, he's family, but you know what? Knowing that someone, unprovoked, said something nice to me and really meant it... I don't even know what to say. I've always wondered what everything would look like in my own "it's a Wonderful Life." I feel just like that guy... nothing would be different. I don't even think anyone I've been friends with (besides my best friend) has ever been as close with me as I've been with him/her. Everyone would live the same lives, do the same things, have the same fun... with or without me. My family would be upset, but they are obligated to be upset. I'm part of them. I just don't think there would be a single non-relative who'd even miss me.

I have a lot of things I need to do before I go, so don't plan my funeral just yet, but the only resaon I'm alive is for my own fucking self. I'm here to make myself happy. Eventually, with enough practice, I'll be used to isolation. Once that happens, I can finally get back to the things that matter. My truck, my apartment, my bike, my tats, myself.

Speaking of tats, people look at me all the time like "why the fuck did you get that?" or "what the fuck do you have planned? It sounds stupid." or whatever. You know why? Because there are people and things in my life that mean more to me than what anyone else's eyes see when they are pointed at me. I'll never be beautiful. I might as well make myself look the way I'd like to look. I want to be big, mean, and ugly. I want to lift weights, drink beer, and ride my bike. I can't stop being scary looking. I'm too big and built too powerfully to come off as a teddy bear to anyone no matter how hard I try. I might as well flip this curse into a blessing and find myself a nice year round construction job and be done with it.

If I had it all again I'd change it all.

I spoke with a woman on the phone back when I would put on a suit and harass people all day who was a born again. She told me some story about a man climbing a ladder all his life. When he finally got to the top he realized his ladder was propped against a false wall and fell into despair and suffering. She concluded her little tale with "do you have your ladder on the right wall? Are you propped up against the strength and love of Jesus Christ (our lord and savior)?"

You know what, crazy lady... I don't want your money, but I'll take your little story with me.

I'm not saying I'm a repenting sinner. The absolute opposite actually, I believe I'm a good Catholic boy. I just feel like the life I was raised into has nothing to do with my ongoing sucess. I feel like everything I've done, all the patterns of behavior that have become part of me, the way I talk, the way I look, the way I move, the way I see myself and the world around me, the things I pick up on, and the things I do not... they all are wrong.

I have been back tracking to the last major decision I made that turned out to be a good one. I can't even remember. It wasn't where I picked to go to college... it wasn't deciding TO go to college... it wasn't jobs... it wasn't my major... it wasn't how I behaved in school... it wasn't any of the girls I've dated (seriously)...

I think the last good decision I made was giving up baseball for lacrosse when I was 11. I was an awful baseball player and I got an opportunity to try something new, and did well. After that, everything went to SHIT.

My full rides to any major NFL player factory "school" went out the window with one crushing blow to the back of my left leg which in turn tore everything from my ass down to my toes on my left side. Deciding to go to school anyway and to find a school I could play at... bad decision. Not taking the only ride I had left because "I'm not a city guy." Was stupid. Dating in college was stupid. Staying with that chick after college was stupid. Going across the country to coach for a year was stupid. Playing football in the pros... though I loved it... was stupid (in context... it was football or her... I ended up) giving up football for her... stupid... taking a job at a tiny company that was growing too fast... stupid... taking a job at a huge company as a financial consultant... stupid...

I just want someone to talk to who gets it.

If things don't get better in the next 30 days I'm going to be on a plane. If that plane stops in Texas, California, Chicago, Australia, or Paris Island... it's anyone's guess... but I'm through being alone.

I didn't expect you to read this far. I just needed to talk and talk and talk... sorry.

you know who you are

2006-08-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

i should have killed you when i had the chance.

Everything in its Right Place

2006-08-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

I had no idea what to name this post, but the song I was listening to when I came to blogger was Radiohead - Everything in its Right Place, so there we go... title: stolen.

It does make a bit of sense. If I could take a step away from myself and picture the situations I find myself in as physical blocks... like a big tetris game... I am getting this feeling that things are just about hovering over their right places. Things are going to start falling into the gaps and I'm going to have something real here soon...

but when?

I have a feeling that the girl from the city is still an up in the air thing, but closer to where it belongs. She reached out to me when things didn't work out with her re-ex, so that's a good thing. Not being able to get a response out of her on a Friday or Saturday is not a good thing at all. When you are feeling out the beginnings of a relationship, the last thing you want to be is someone's weekday man. If you find yourself talking/hanging out with a girl only from Sunday to Thursday, then she's not serious about you. She wants the opportunity to find your replacement on the party nights. Even if she's happy with you and only going out to have fun with her friends, if she can't put up a party night for you, then her intentions are not important... she's not that serious. It's officially Sunday now... so I expect to hear something from her today... maybe... who knows?

Maybe she was being nice because she felt bad for making me feel bad about myself, but really had no intention of going back out with me. That's the only exception I've come up with. Like I said below, I'm trying to think of any loophole, any bullshit that might come up before hand so when she says, "yeah, I sent you a text message, and yes, things didn't work out with my ex, BUT..." I want to be ready for whatever comes after the "dot dot dot." Yes. I will be dissapointed if she doesn't want to see me again. No. I'm not really excited about having my teeth kicked in again. No. I don't think it's a sure thing. Yes. I realize I'm setting myself up for another dissapointment... and yes... I am up at 2:30 in the morning thinking about her.

There are other girls on the horizon. I've been chatting with a few lovely ladies since her and am on the verge of meeting one of them (most likely this week), but there is just something about the city girl that makes me want to be around her. I feel like we've allready been through all the ice breaking bullshit and all the getting to know you crap and are ready to start actually going out and having a good time together... at least before she "broke up" with me.

That brings me to another point about her, I talked to her about her ex... I even mentioned it in a post. I told her "I never EVER go back to an ex... it NEVER works. You eventually remember why you broke up with them to begin with and you end up re-hurting yourself." So... did I stick it in my own ass with her? Did I just give her a massive mental roadblock that is making her think I am unattainable now? She did say something like "I don't want you to be upset... well... I think it's too soon for you to be too upset..." before she ended it with me. Then I sent her an email saying that I WAS upset because I really thought we had potential, but that she's gotta do what she's gotta do. I don't know if that hurt my cause or not. I don't even know if there is a cause... WTF is wrong with me? I'm sure I'll catch her at some point and just lay it out in the best way I can that I am still interested in her and would like her to know I'm open to giving it another try.... in the process I'll probably come off weak and desperate and fail again... but at least I'll tie up a loose end.

Another puzzle piece floating around almost where it needs to be is my 'career.' I've pretty much stopped looking for the right fit and started looking for anything that will cover the holes. I have a few solid leads on real careers... and a ton of leads on work that will keep me from being evicted. Working just to get the bills paid without any chance of a steady career coming out of it is feeling more and more right. I don't really care what my friends, family, girls, anyone thinks anymore. I just want to be around my friends, family, girls, anyone more than I'm alone in this apartment. I'd like the supplies it takes to alergy proof this joint so the people I care about can actually come over and chill like normal people. Fuck all that jive... I just want to live here. I just want to have a check ready at the first of the month and put it in the mail without worrying if there is enough in my account to cover it. Once that's done, and all my other bills are paid regularly, then I can start worrying about the things I'd like to do... THAT'S where I want to be. I think I'm getting closer.

Once that massive piece falls into place it will give everything else a solid place to start whatever it is they'd like to do. That means I could actually go to a bar and spend a few bucks... maybe meet a lady or two... work on my truck... have friends over and party... all the stuff that really can't set up camp without something underneath.

So I'm doing everything I've got to do now... every step of the way.

Here's how my little plan should fall into place:

1. Keep a few girls interested
2. Get a mofukkin job
3. Pay bills
4. relax
5. Enjoy myself

Normally, 1 and 2 would be switched, but with a pre paid membership to eHarmony in full affect... it really doesn't cost shit to be "introduced" to a bunch of dames. If I can square this city girl thing away this weekend, then I think the first piece is right where it belongs and I'll be ready to work on 2 through 5.

Australia

2006-08-04T23:49:00.000-07:00

The only ex I've ever truely missed is in Australia. She was up in my town on exchange for a year. I met her at a welcome party and we ended up having a few classes together. After a while I asked her out and we started dating. One of the nicest, coolest chicks I've ever dated. She was beautiful with long curly blonde hair, tall, bright eyes... just beautiful. She was vulnerable and real while being confident and strong. I've never met anyone like her.

That was almost 10 years ago.

Why am I talking about this now? This week I was invited to play a little pickup lacrosse and my gear was still in boxes from when my family moved 5 years ago. I hadn't picked up a stick since college and hadn't used MY OWN gear since high school. So, I had a lot of digging to do.

My father works nights and the rest of my family was gone, so the house was silent, and I had all the time in the world to just sit and sift through boxes looking for the one that held my old sports stuff. The sticks were easy, but the other stuff was packed away in long forgotten boxes in the garage. I started carefully taking out a box, opening it up, and looking to see what was inside. Most were marked "Pi, desk" "Pi, clothes" "Pi, closet" stuff like that. I'm the only kid that hasn't lived at home for any period of time since the family moved, so mine are the only boxes still marked like that.

Every single box knocked the wind out of me. My first varsity letter, my papers from kindergarten, art projects, toys, books, everything was a reminder of back when my life was all potential and bright blue skies. I was just touching, holding, smelling everything. I was enjoying the memories but at the same time I was remembering how happy I was I compared those times to the ones I'm having now. I found a chocolate milk bottle I had filled with perfect little shells when I was a child playing at the beach. I could remember finding each one of them (believe it or not). I saw one that wasn't perfect and remembered why I still put it in the bottle. I remembered how happy I was when I had filled it to the top and how proud I was of the little piece of artwork I had made. I don't remember the last time I was that happy.

Then I opened a box labeled "Pi, old desk and new desk" I don't even remember having a "new desk." After thinking about it, I remembered that at one point my family decided that my room needed an overhaul while I was at school and thrashed my sectional desk and put pieces of it all over the place. They had emptied out the drawers and put them in boxes back THEN. So, that box was the combination of everything I kept in the desk before AND after the desicration of my room.

Inside that box were so many memories. All the pictures I took my senior year of high school and hung up on my walls my first year of college to keep me from being too homesick. My old US Army surplus backpack (that my mom used bolts and wingnuts to repair after I found a way to destroy it) was the first thing I pulled out to bring home with me. The pictures went inside first. Under the pictures were tons of papers, homework assignments, notes I had taken about different things, signs, and all sorts of stupid shit I had saved forever. At the bottom of the box was a cigar box. I shook it, and what was inside didn't sound like cigars. I opened it up, and inside were very neatly kept notes, letters, and a picture. I did not recognise the handwritting and it definately wasn't my own. I carefully opened up one letter and I wasn't a paragraph in before I had to sit down. These were all the letters I had been sent/given by my Australian Girl. I thought they were lost forever. At the bottom of the pile was the only picture we ever took together. She looked so pretty. I looked so happy. I started reading again while sitting on the floor of my parents' garage. I really loved her and she really loved me. A good clean honest love. The kind of love I've been trying to find in my whole "adult" life. I never forgot her. In fact, I emailed her tonight before I wrote this, but I DID forget how much it hurt to see her go. I talked to her all night before her last day at school. I cut 3 classes just to be there with her. None of my teachers or her's cared. Knowing what I know now about teachers, they all knew we were dating and I know they all had a soft spot for us. They let me sit in on classes just to hold her hand. When school was over there was a "going away" dinner for just the sponsors and the exchange students. I couldn't get in, but I waited outside for her to come out and kiss me between presentations. When she left I took everything I had from her, of her, that reminded me of her and put it in that cigar box... because I thought it would help them survive. I never wanted anything about her to go away.

When she got home she called me from Australia. We talked about how much this relationship changed our lives and how one day we'd meet again. About how the distance meant nothing and how we'd always love each other no matter what else we were doing in our lives.

I still remember going back to school the next day after having spent the whole night in tears on the phone with the girl I could not have. I was a zombie and everyone who saw me looked at me like I was the kid who's family died in a fire. We used to hold hands to all the classes we shared. When I walked in alone that day, my teacher looked at me and then turned away and wiped her eyes. Even my teachers hearts were broken FOR me. Everyone who cared about me told me how sorry they were even though they knew that I knew it was stupid to fall in love with someone from the absolute opposite side of the globe. They couldn't tell me when she was there because they saw how happy we were. Sure, it was two stupid high school kids with stupid high school kid love, but I've never had a more honest and genuine love for anyone in my life. What I mean is I loved just being around her. I loved the way she saw the world. I loved the way she saw me. I loved everything about her and all I wanted in return was her company. I didn't even care if we hooked up. All I wanted was to be near her. It wasn't like I had never hooked up before either. I just didn't think about anything but her when she was around. NOTHING.

I've been in touch with her via email ever since she left. Not as often as I should have been, especially recently, but we're both living very busy and complex lives. I've been going to school, dating girls, playing sports, trying to get a career started, and keeping myself busy with all sorts of bullshit that defines the little life I have.

She has a baby. She found out after he was born that her baby boy has 3 half brothers that were born within 2 weeks of one another. Let that sink in a second.... ok... now read that again... get it? I don't even want to elaborate on what a FUCKING SCUMBAG that guy is.

She's been having a rough run of things. It's very hard to hear especially because I have always cared about her and there's NOTHING I can do.

A flight to Sydney from here costs about $1,500 bucks round trip and arrives 2 days after you leave. I want to see her again. I know I'm not thinking clearly because I've been through so much crap, but I did promise her that I'd see her again and I'm no liar. I don't even know what I'm saying... I'd just like to hold her in my arms one more time and remember the time when she was my everything.

Strange Day

2006-08-03T21:54:00.000-07:00

OK, so today was not what I expected. I worked out HARD yesterday so I over slept. When I over sleep as an unemployed person that means I open my eyes at like 3pm. So, I get up, I walk out to the kitchen and then see that one of my fish, who had been sick for a long time, finally fell to his disease. He had been a part of my life for about 5 and a half years.

It took me a while to just sit and think about that one. I know "my goldfish died" is such a horseshit whiny bitch sort of thing to complain about, but it really sucks that he's gone. A lot of memories, a lot of time spent just watching him swim around, and the sense of peace my fish have brought me during tough times. Sure, they just swim around and play with the rocks in the tank, but they've been such a constant through all these turbulent years. I still remember laying on my bed at 3am after just getting done with work and knowing I only had about 2 hours to get back to the office and watching them swim around until I was relaxed enough to forget about my problems and sleep.

Goodbye, my little friend. You were truely loved.

So, the other half of my day was going to be spent cleaning up this dump. I really have let my apartment go to hell recently and need to reorganize, put clothes away, clean dishes, all that shit. I just haven't been in the mood. Then I got this great idea that I'd get a big rug to cover my living room's hardwood floor. Why? Because if you're walking through the living room with a glass of water and a little bit spills on the floor, the tiles that are now wet will swell up, break, and ruin a 2' square of floor which now has to be replaced. about a 10' by 3' section was destroyed this summer just from the heat. It got really hot and I didn't have my AC on... then I hear a quiet crack sound in the distance. I get up to look and half my floor is raised up like a big snake was trying to crawl under the floor. I'm tired of this shit and just want to lay the tiles back down as best I can and cover them with a carpet/rug. I was sizing up the room trying to figure out what size I'd need (can't seem to locate my tape measure) when I realized that rent is due in 2 days. I'm allready behind about 2 months and my landlord is allready on my ass... now here comes month 3. I should have an unemployment check in the mail, which I will send directly to my landlord with another appology for it being short, but I really am feeling like the hatchet is going to come down any day now. I'm considering getting a loan even though I know I won't be able to pay it... it's just that my life's plans revolve around me living here. I'm trying to get a job HERE that gives preference to town citizens. If I move out of town, I can kiss the job goodbye.

As the death of my fish and the rent check being due were sinking in I really felt like shit. I decided I'd go to the store and get some milk so I could make some biscuits. When I came back I realized that my phone had been in my truck ever since I came back from working out. I look and I missed about 20 calls and 1 text message. 15 of the calls were from my aunt who just wanted to ask me how my interviews went this week so far, 1 was from a job I don't want, 1 was from a new job I'm not interested in, 1 was from one of my sisters, and 2 were from jobs that I actually want. Of course, by the time I got these messages it was after 5pm, so I couldn't call them back. I will call them back first thing in the morning.

What was most interesting (job offers don't excite me, they are awesome jobs that I'd love to have, but I don't get excited until I land an offer anymore) was the text message.

After the girl I mentioned in the post "The Worst 15 Minutes in a Long Time" decided to 180 on me, the job I wanted decided that they didn't want me because I'm a man, and I got a call from a lawyer about the money I owe my last job I changed a line on my myspace profile. Yes... I have a myspace... Anyways, I said something along the lines of I'd like to meet people who make sense and behave according to things that I understand. The text message I got was from the city girl asking "was that line on your myspace profile about me?"

It's only been a couple weeks since she heel turned and smashed me in the face with a steel chair for her ex. After our chat, she emailed me to appologize. I told her there was nothing to appologize FOR and that if I still had feelings for an ex and believed in my heart that things would work out then I'd do the same thing, but that when she remembers why she broke up with him to begin with, to give me a call.

I was right, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

So I reply, "Exclusively? No." That starts a conversation via txt messages for the next 2 hours. I can't stand text messages for more than 1 or2. At the third one, just freaken call. I tell her that she can call if she'd like, but I'm fine with txts. She continues texting me about how sorry she is and how she's been a stupid crazy person and should have known better and bla bla bla.

We never actually spoke.

So, WTF is going on? Obviously, she wouldn't have spoken to me if she didn't have so me interest. I've been trying to think of a situation where I would have done what she did without having any interest in seeing the girl again and couldn't find one that made sense. Maybe she just wanted someone to talk to and nobody was around? That went out the window when I realized she text'd me at 9am and I didn't get back to her until about 6pm. In that time frame she should have had something to say that would have cleared things up if she wanted to clear them up.

Just like football games of yor, when I was sending her messages I was thinking about how they'd sound here to you guys. I was keeping my own advice in mind while talking to her. I wanted to call. I wanted to say that I accepted everything that happened and still want to see her. I wanted to tell her that I still have her on my mind. I wanted to ask her to come out and see me this week so we could hang out. I wanted to tell her that the night I spent laying next to her was the best I've had in 2 years. But what did I do? I just kept answering questions and responding with as little emotion as possible. I did say things like "look, you had to learn the hard way... so did I. I am not mad at you, never was." and "I don't think you're crazy." I don't think I played it 100% Don Juan DeLaNeuch, but I don't think I did it old school Pi either.

If she had called me at any point to appologize and ask if I'd still be cool with seeing her then that would have been the best. I was trying to get her to go that way, but she never called. I could sense she was emotional by what she was saying, so I wasn't going to press for a call. Also, I didn't want her to know that I was pumped to see her again. Sure, I'd LIKE to see her again... but only if things work out that way... and if she asks. Basically, I'm on the other side of my post about how to date more than one girl, and she found that she made a mistake and is trying to get back with the original second choice.

What scares me is that she chose him on the 24th of July and it's only the 3rd of August. What the FUCK could he have done to make her realize that she didn't want to be with him ever again in that time frame? She mentioned something like "he flaunted my stupidity in my face." I think he was trying to rub her nose in the fact that she broke up with him to really break her. I really don't like this guy at all. There's a difference between having a sense of controll over the situation and being a total cock sucker. This guy takes it too far. He's some millionaire broker in the city who thinks his shit don't stink. He just smells like the kind of guy who needs a beating. I'm not the one to give it to him, but he's one of those guys that grew up doing what he wanted even though he didn't deserve it while never feeling the consequences of his actions. Saying something stupid or being in the wrong place at the wrong time and getting a mouth full of fist is what keeps us all centered. I've had my teeth kicked in more than once for different stuff both literally and figuratively. When the consequences are real, you don't fuck around. When they are imaginary and you don't believe in them, you don't care what you do. When you drink and drive and get away with it you don't think anything of doing it again. When you get pulled over and have your life ruined by a DUI you no longer think it's so funny.

That was the last text I got from her. I didn't know what to say or where to go from there. In my heart I wanted to call her up and tell her it's all going to be ok and ask her out for a cup of coffee. My head was saying "play this shit cool, man, don't fuck it up now, she's asking for it." My head won, but I don't think it's going to make it through tomorrow before breaking down and getting back in touch with her.

I bet I have a continuation of this story by the end of this weekend. If not, I won't be supprised, but I think there's a good chance we at least talk through what's going on at some point.

BRACE YOURSELF FOR DISSAPOINTMENT!

I love sweaty chicks

2006-08-02T18:40:00.000-07:00

Call On Me

The video is Eric Pridz - Call On Me. I was just cruising youtube and ran across it again and had to share it. There's just something so sexy about a woman who's working out/just worked out. My favorite girl in this video is the chick in the white top (could be pink, I have no clue... the one with the towel). There's just something cute about her face that makes her look like the most fun.

I've never been able to place why a girl is so sexy after a workout. I still remember going to the gym or meeting up with a girl after a run and just being so turned on by her at that moment. I still enjoy seing a girl in gym clothes playing basketball more than dressed to the 9s ready to go out to a club. I guess that's just the magic of attraction...

Emotions [to be continued... Jess]

2006-08-01T17:42:00.000-07:00

When I was talking with the girl from the city she mentioned how much of a complete ass her ex was. She was talking about how much she hated him for totally blowing her off the second she needed him. She had serious debilitating surgery and was no longer able to be a lot of fun because she was bed ridden, so he just stopped seeing her. I knew this was a problem, I talked about it with people and they didn't agree with me, but they saw where I was coming from.

Take every emotion you could feel about someone. Start with the most pure love and work your way down to absolute hateful, murderous, rage. Now you have a long piece of paper with all these emotions going straight down. Love on top, indifference in the middle, hate/rage on the bottom. Take that piece of paper and bend it so that hate and love are right next to each other with indifference on the complete opposite side. That's how things work. It's like the color wheel above. Each emotions slowly blends into the next. As you back away the distinctions become clear. Red is here, Green is here, Yellow here, etc. As you take a closer look, are you so sure that red stops and orange starts at the same exact place?

When you go from seeing someone, to meeting them, to dating them, to breaking up, to getting over them completely you go through the wheel. You start at indifference and work your way up the positive side to love. When you break up there will be hate at some point and then you work your way down the negative side back to indifference. Until you reach indifference, you're not "over" your ex. Sure, you may be angry enough to not want to look her in the face without yelling at her, but that's because the love/caring you have for her makes you passionate about something she's done. You wouldn't get that mad about someone you didn't give two shits about doing the same thing. Some people just slide back down the positive side with people and end up feeling totally indifferent before they break up, but in my experience, it's mostly the bad side.

A good thing to look for when you're talking with a girl you think you want to date is where they stand on the circle with their ex. I mean, if they are cursing his name every chance they get then they are NOT over their ex and you DO have to worry about that dude coming back into her life.

You can take that same paper circle you just made and cut it at indifference. Now lay love and hate next to each other and draw an arrow pointing down starting with love/hate and ending at indifference. You can label that line "strength." If you have strong feelings for someone, they are up top. Saying "I don't have any feelings for him anymore" doesn't count if you "hate" him because hate is just as strong an emotion as love and you CAN'T hate someone unless the hate is based in love. It's the old super hero/super villan thing. You can't have one extreme without the other. For instance, you can't kill someone unless you love something that they've ruined. Wars begin and end for love. Love of "your" god, love of your country, love of the way you live your life, love of your people, etc. You don't go to war because you're angry at someone. You go to war because you have enough love for something to hate.

I wanted to elaborate, but it's 100 degrees and I can't focus.

[EDIT] Jess (and everyone else scratching their heads at this post), I will clarify. Had planned on doing it tonight, but other things were more important. Will hopefully get to it this weekend.

Online Dating: What do you find physically attractive?

2006-07-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

How is this a fair question? I've had the discussion with both men and women. How important are looks to dating?

I've been finding out how important they are by dating a bunch of girls I don't find attractive at all. It's amazing how shitty you feel after you've spent a month talking to someone before you meet and you realize that you can't be attracted to anything but her personality... and that's not enough. Stupid online dating.

When you bring this up to an intelligent, well spoken woman, she will smash your face in. "See, you're just shallow." "You don't appreciate a woman for anything but her body" "You need to take an inventory of what's really important in your life and date according to that. It's certainly not looks." The problem is that EVERYONE takes looks into account without exception. If you're dating girls you meet online and they look nothing like their picture in person and end up not being attractive(and I'll define attractive later), it doesn't matter how good their personality meshes with yours.

Sex is an important part of a relationship.

I made that it's own paragraph for a reason... if you don't agree, you're wrong. That's all there is to it. If you can never have sex with the person you're dating because they disgust you, then you aren't dating them... You're just friends. Regardless of what else is going on in your relationship, if you are not sexually attracted to the person you are with in the least, then you're not dating. It won't work. Sex has ruined more relationships and fucked up more people's heads than you can imagine. How many times has some dude been married and been caught banging some 19 year old hottie on the side only to have his family destroyed, his life savings gone, his image ruined? For what? For S E X. That's it. If you're not sexually compatible with the person you are dating then you will eventually fuck it up.

I can't date a girl who I don't want to have sex with. It's that simple.

Ladies, you do it too. Would you honestly talk with a guy that makes your stomach turn? Would you give a guy a chance even if he's an ugly guy? Would you date someone who you would never want to have sex with?

I didn't think so.

People are visual. It seems like women are not as visual as guys for the most part, but even that is arguable. A better way to say it is EVERYONE is sexual. I know people will say "what about nuns and monks and all that jive?" They can be classified by their sexuality as well. They choose not to have sex, so that is their thing. If you have no money, you can still be put in a classification for how much money you have. You go along with all the other people who have zero money. For every person, there is an acceptable level of attraction they will deal with and anything above the line is OK and everything below is not.

Is that a bad thing?

I don't think so. I would never want a woman to be with me for the rest of my life if she was grossed out by the idea of having sex with me. I want to be with someone who is excited to spend time with me engaged in physical activities. I don't say that anyone should be with someone they don't find attractive, so don't think I'm throwing some double standard out here that says ugly guys need to be with hot chicks.

So, what does the word attractive mean?

The way I use it, the word attractive means someone that has something about themself that makes you want to view them. It's really not the way it sounds. When you say "attractive" people picture the beautiful starlets and models that you see on TV. What I mean when I say attractive is a girl that is appealing to the eye in any sort of way. It's very hard to make this clear seeing as what everyone likes is different, so no matter how you say it, people think you're being shallow. If you want to go deeper, attractive means someone you'd like to have sex with. You are physically attracted to someone you find appealing in a sexual way. Attractive does NOT mean only the most sexually desireable women... it means ANY woman that makes you interested in having sex with her at all.

So, the killer eHarmony question... What do you find physically attractive?

I don't know. Every girl you see is different and most of them have something that makes you wonder what they look like with their feet behind their ears. If I could design a girl she'd have a flat stomach, an athletic body with a nice round, muscular ass and a solid D set of tits. She's have long red hair, an honest smile, a confident way of carrying herself, a cute vulnurablity, a rough edge, and bright beautiful eyes.

So what's acceptably attractive? A figure that's somewhat in proportion to your size. Aka if you are carrying a couple extra pounds it shows in your chest and ass keeping you in proportion. If you are thin up top and dumpy down below, that's not as attractive as someone who's average all over. A girl with a big upper body and little tooth pick legs doesn't do it for me either. The most important thing about a girl's face is how she smiles. If I can tell you're smiling because you REALLY are happy, that's huge. I don't like short hair, but on the right girl I'm willing to tolerate it as long as it's not crazy short. As I kind of mentioned above, a few extra pounds is ok as long as she's packed right. That means she can be bigger, but can't have sloppy hanging fat anywhere. This shows most often in the arms. If you have that blubbery swaying fat sack that looks like a garbage bag full of water under your arms... there's a good chance I'm not going to be able to find you attractive. If you reach for something and I see a sloppy hanging gut flapping around under your shirt, probably not going to turn me on. If you've got a belly that shows when you're sitting down... no big deal. So do I, so who cares. So you've got 20lbs you'd like to lose one day but you're put together right? No big deal. So you're not the curviest chick in the world and you don't really have much of a figure? Who cares?

When things ballance out... when there is something to work off of... when there is a decent sum of all parts... and you have the personality to tie it all in and make a pretty lil picture of yourself... that's what I call attractive.

My Next Tat

2006-07-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Seeing as I don't tell you who I am, I'm not about to give away unique and easy to spot things on my body that might give me away, but I will talk about the next tat I'm going to get.

A massive black swastika on my chest.

"But, Pi, you're a racist who believes in neo nazi shit?"

Absolutely not. In fact, I've spent considerable time in my life studying the beautiful jewish faith, been like family with members of all backgrounds, and really harbor no ill will towards anyone... except Irish women (of 5 people who've punched me in the face out of anger, 3 are Irish women)...

"So why the Swastika?"

If I ever go to prison, I'm too much of a pussy to get in there and start smashing people's faces in, and I don't really want some dude's mule in my ass, so I need an "in" with a group. I figure it would be easier to get in with the neo nazis seeing as I'm white than to get in with the black or hispanic gangs that have a presence. All I'd have to do take off my shirt. How easy is that?

I guess there will a few uncomfortable conversations... like if I'm dating a jewish girl and she takes my shirt off to find the symbol of the group that killed 6 million of her ancestors. I figure I could lighten the mood with a smile and a little "yeah, but you killed my savior" followed by an elboe to the ribs and a chuckle.

In fact, I think once other minority friends of mine understand why I got it, they will be cool with it too. It was either get fucked in the ass or join a powerful group in prison! "Oh, ok. You're so smart, Pi!"

[hello random middle aged woman who just surfed here from a mommy blog, this is a fucking joke, don't go sending me hate mail... actually, yeah, send me hate mail, but understand I'm joking]

Unexpected Dominance

2006-07-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

First of all, the banner above is going away soon. I'm being 'coached' through how to fix all the other settings and it's there as a place holder... go easy on me.

Another post is coming out of a conversation with Cousin fil. I'm going to need him to start saying shit in his own words one of these days.

OK, so he tells me that he's talked with the girl he was more interested in and she lead him into a conversation about making their relationship official. As far as he knows, they are a thing now.

Here's where he fucked up. Before I get to it, understand that I graduated college right as facebook was becomming popular, so I have never seen the site, used it, been registered, or ANYTHING because I don't have a .edu email account anymore. So, Cousin fil goes onto facebook and changes his relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship." In order to do that you have to pick out who you're dating and it sends them a notice asking for confirmation. That was a few days ago and she has not confirmed anything yet. She didn't delete it, but it's "pending."

Cousin fil just put her in a position of power without even realizing it.

To better understand what I'm talking about, you need to understand the 3 LEGAL parts of a deal:

1. The offer - I will give you $100 for your bike
2. The consideration - you think to yourself "hm... I think it's worth $110, but I'll take a quick $100"
3. The acceptance - "I accept your offer of $100 for my bike"

If a deal is missing any of these three parts it is not a deal. You can't take away any one part and have a deal.

So, who's got control over the situation? Once you make the offer, you've played your hand. You let them know exactly what you want and how badly you want it. From that point, the deal is in their hands. This is important to realize in all parts of your life. You never want to be the one that lays it all out there first. You want to get the other party to lay it out for you. Then you can be the one that accepts the deal. It even gives you a chance to put in a counter offer, make it seem like they really need to work for your services, or whatever else you'd like to convey with your decision making process.

People who are particularly dominant put themselves in positions of power without thinking about it. When you discuss deals, it's normally phrased in ways like "So, what do you think?" or "What's next?" or "What's on your mind?" or anything besides "ok, this is what I have to offer you." If you are usually more submissive, you'll give what you have to offer and wait for the other person to accept.

This isn't allways the case. Offering ideas and looking for acceptance is what people who lead often do. "Hey, why don't we go get a cup of coffee instead of sitting around here bored?" The fact that you are being a motivator and the one who starts the action seems to be a dominant role, but when you're offering up an idea and looking for acceptance you're actually giving the decision, and thus the power, to the other party. Being a "self starter" or a "leader" are good things too, but when you're constantly throwing around ideas and waiting for someone else to say it's acceptable, you've taken it too far. One person offers up the idea, The other makes the decision. You want to be the one making the decisions. Girls don't like wimps.

So, Cousin fil asked her to accept his "in a relationship" request. What he's done is throw his cards on the table. Even though they had talked, he wants her to wear a badge that says she's taken in a place where a lot of people communicate with her. It's like the eLoser equivalent of giving a girl your class ring. Now she has to weigh her options and make a decision. There really isn't anything else he can do. He's played his hand.

His only advantage here is that he didn't go into details. He didn't talk to her and say that he wanted to have her accept his "relationship request" thing. He just did it. He hasn't talked to her about it, and he's still got hope.

At this point, the best thing he can do is keep his mouth shut. If she's seen it and not accepted it yet, she's eventually going to bring it up to him (but only if he doesn't make any attempt to bring it up himself thus losing power again). At that point, play it cool, "I don't know... I didn't think it was a big deal." If she replies with "well it is, and I'd like to be in a relationship with you" then he just flipped the tables. He was indecisve and forced her to define what's on the table. At that point, if he words everything correctly and is laid back about it, she will be forced to be the one giving the offer instead and Cousin fil will be going through consideration. That puts him back in the driver's seat.

Keep in mind, it's not important to be some dominate asshole just to get girls. That's not the idea. The idea is appearing to be strong. If you are allways backing down or allways pushing her around you're really not getting anywhere unless you're really looking for a girl that fills the role of dominance or submission.

What I'm trying to get across is that you have to be careful. Don't let yourself fall into the situation where you're allways asking for her approval. Putting big decisions out there like the defining the relationship for her to decide is not a good idea. Even if the girl is a strong person, she'd still like to know that her man isn't a chump.

Last Man on Earth?

2006-07-28T13:09:00.000-07:00

I just had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine. It is raining in biblical proportions here. I cracked a joke about having a sudden desire to build a boat. That’s when this stupid situation came up:

If you had a choice of being the last dude on Earth, but you had to have sex with every single woman in the world of childbearing age (let’s say 13 to 45) would you do it?

You have no control over what girls are sent your way. The government of the new world has already prescreened every woman for genetic and biological qualities. There would be no risk of disease and all children conceived have the highest chance of being born without birth defects. You’d be saving the world.

The problem is that for every 16 year old hottie you get sent your way, there are a ton of 200lb, 45 year old, disasters that are going to need to be knocked up as well. All you do is wake up every morning and have sex all day with girls you have not met, seen, or picked. You cannot have any control of the situation whatsoever.

What’s nice is that you’re going to be getting girls non stop. Not only that, but these girls haven’t had sex since the “end of the dude world” and are going to be dieing for it. You get to experience more than you’d ever imagined and will be a god damn master of sex. You will be sleeping with 10s that would never have even looked at you before. Have a favorite movie star that you’ve always wanted? There’s a good chance she’s next in line. The variety and consistency of girls would be mind blowing.

The downside is that you have no choice of who you’re knocking up. Not only that, but these girls are going to be coming and going all the time and you’ll never have any sort of connection with any of them. Even if you do, you’ll never see them again. For the rest of your life you’ll know that any child you see walking around is your child. Every problem that comes up genetically is YOUR problem because every girl has been screened for optimal health and wellbeing of the human race of the future.

Another thing to consider is that after a decade and a half or so, you’re male offspring will be in the pool. So, now you’re going to basically not be needed anymore. Now there’s another generation which should be able to take care of itself. If you’re in your 20s, like myself, that makes you 40 and the biggest man slut ever. Sure, you saved the human race, but now you’ve transcended superstar. Every single person knows your name, what you look like, how you talk, and has probably had sex with you. You’ll never have a real relationship even though you’ve had sex with every single woman who could have a child. Most likely, any girl you’ve knocked up or attempted to won’t date you seeing as she’s competing with about a billion different girls. She knows your experiences.

The chances of you finding the fulfillment of a real loving relationship with someone and having a true “family” of your own are gone. You’re a hero, but you die alone.

What do you think? If you could be that guy, would you?

Dating More Than One Girl [UPDATE: now with 100% more links!]

2006-07-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this post for a couple weeks now. A good friend of mine... We'll call him C.... has had a few different girls in his life that he's not known how to handle. In fact, he didn't know if it was possible to get to know them without losing them all. We talked about it for a while and I think I had a pretty solid plan.

First, the principles of this drama:

C - Nice guy, laid back, 100% italian, has his masters degree at 24, lives at home and works at a great job.

Party Girl - In college, loves to go out boozing with her friends, really fun to hang out with, kissed C once after a party, but since has let things ramp up and slow down between them over and over during the past year or so. Very pretty girl. Columbian. Known through friends.

Nice Girl - Very plain. Has a nice body, but is the apex of plain. We're not certain, but it looks like she doesn't even pluck her eyebrows. She dresses concervatively, is polite and seems to plug directly into "traditional gender roles." Really digs C. 100% Italian (was recently in Italy visiting relatives). Set up with C by a family member.

So, C has been trying to get with Party Girl for a long time. They have been friends and like I said, they've kissed once. She throws signals that she wants more and then is invisible for 6 months. During the time C's known her she's dated a couple other guys. She has the edge in C's mind, but Nice Girl is hard to say no to for a couple reasons. 1. She's who his family wants him to date. She is the perfect quiet lil Italian girl who's super nice and is everything his mother wants for him. Plus, she has the edge because a family member set them up. On top of all that she's much more clear in the fact that she likes him and if he chose to be with her, they'd date. No question. Party Girl is still a question mark and not liked by his family because they know that C's been trying to date her for a while and she's "hurt" him by leading him on and going away more than once. Italian family isn't excited she's Columbian either.

Here's my take on this. Party Girl scares me a bit. Just because she kissed C after a party doesn't mean she has any interest. From the little I know about her, she seems like the kind of girl who would be making out with a different guy every night. I also don't trust that she'd be ready to give that up for anyone while she's still in college. Those are my reservations.

Nice Girl seems like a nice girl... I don't really know a hell of a lot about her, but she seems like a safe choice for a relationship. Safe does not equal best, but if you're lonely and need someone in your life, this is where you'd go. She seems very conservative and probably would not mesh with my sociopath lifestyle, but for C.... who knows.

Now, here comes the fun part. How do you date two girls at once?

Well, you have to remember that if you are not in a committed relationship that you both have discussed and agreed with whole heartidly, then you are in no way exclusive and should not feel bad about getting to know any other girls you want. Does that mean you stand up one chick to meet the other? No. What it means is you honestly "get to know" every girl you're interested in and make an educated decision instead of making a guess on which you'd like to be with and losing them all.

Now, I know my stance on cheating goes back and forth. I don't believe in it, but there are times you have to make sure you've got something else in case things go bad with the one you're with. Those times start when you first take her out, and they end when you die. Never burn your bridges. I'm also not a big fan of lieing. I don't have a good enough memory to lie. I like to keep things simple and just tell the truth. But I tell the truths that get me where I want to go and leave the ones that will jettison my efforts elsewhere. For instance, you take Nice Girl out on Friday night for dinner. Saturday you're out with Party Girl and she asks what you did on Friday. "I went out to dinner with a friend of mine." You are telling the truth, but not the truth that will hurt your cause. If you're like me, and you go out and do things like that with your actual friends, then it's believable and she won't question who or why or anything. If you make a big fucking deal out of it and start making up shit she'll find out. Never say you were at home when you were out. Never lie about location because people have friends who have friends who have friends. If you take girl 1 to a bar there is a good chance that someone who saw you out with girl 2 will have a friend there that recognizes you. If you say you were out at the bar with a friend, then that backs up the facts she's getting from friends and doesn't make you look shady.

So, how do you behave to each girl?

Well, the fist thing to know is the more you do with a girl, the more you're going to hurt them if you go the other direction. You have to keep things from going too far until you're ready to choose. For everyone, that "too far" is different. Some people sleep around without getting very involved. Others can't even kiss a girl without feeling guilty. You have to feel out each situation and understand what every move means to the girl you're with. If hooking up isn't a big thing to her, you can probably get away with hooking up with her until you've made your choice without her trying to burn your house down. If she is hesitant to even kiss you, it's probably a bad idea to try for anal.

NEVER kiss her, hug her, hold her hand in public places if you can avoid it. I'm not saying to hide her in the trunk of your car when you drive someplace, but try not to throw huge neon signs that say "We're dating" over your head while in public. This is especially true if the girls you're seeing hang out in similar places or have similar interests. Keep the physical stuff to when you're somewhat secluded. This, again, slows down the possiblility of one of the other girl's friends getting back to her with "hey, I saw C making out with some other girl at the bar."

BE CONSISTANT! If you see a girl about once every week and a half, you better stay somewhat close to that when you start seeing someone else or she'll realize you aren't around as much anymore. You have to be detailed and organized. If one girl starts feeling neglected, she's going to start thinking why. If you have been "having dinner with friends" every weekend and not inviting her, and now you haven't seen her in a couple weeks, she's going to put 2 and 2 together and realize you're seeing someone else. That's not the goal for those of you keeping score at home.

DON'T BE OBVIOUS IN YOUR INTENTIONS. If you are laying it on thick and the chick is feeling very mushy with you, then you're setting yourself up for failure. You want to be a fun guy she hangs out with that's nice to her and seems cool. You don't want to act like her fucking lover until you are. If you're telling two girls how awesome they are every 5 minutes you're going to start feeling guilty. When you get guilty, you get nervous. When you're nervous, you make mistakes. Stay distant. Be unavailable. Make yourself a challenge because now you ARE a challenge. She's competing with another girl if she knows it or not. As time goes on she's GOING to realize this fact. It's IN YOUR BEST INTERESTS if she does... if you played your cards right the whole time. If she says "Are you seeing another girl?" and you reply "I've been getting to know a couple girls... nothing major, just getting a cup of coffee and talking kind of stuff." and she says "HOW COULD YOU... I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME?" you're fucked. If she comes back with "I really like you and I want more than this casual thing we've been doing for the past few months." Then you've done it right. You want her to want you in more than a casual way, but you don't want her to THINK she's got you when she doesn't because then it goes from a competition to dealing with you "cheating." She wants more? She better ask for it because you're not the kind of dude who gets nailed down by just any broad. Remember that.

YOU ARE NOT DATING 1 GIRL TWICE... YOU ARE DATING 2 GIRLS. If you treat each relationship like they are the only one in your life while you are with them, they will read it. Girls read intentions and emotion better than we do. If you're not keeping things cool and casual, they will know it before you do. When they learn about the other girl, they will be hurt like you've cheated. If you can honestly say "what have we done that made you feel we were in an exclusive relationship?" without the fear of her giving you a laundry list of things you've said and things you've done then you're in good shape. It's actually a good idea to think about that question before you do things. Think about that conversation before you say some sloppy mush about how much you enjoy spending time with her and try to picture it coming up in a fight later. If you think it will, back off. This is probably a part of my old life as a football player. We used to watch film for 6 hours after games. If you made a mistake or got lazy the coach would just play those 3 seconds for about 10 to 20 minutes while he tore you a new asshole. While you were on the field you would actually think "holy shit, I better get up to the backer or I'm going to have to relive this moment for a half hour tomorrow." And you WOULD get to the backer for fear of the later consequences which were totally under your controll. BE WARRY OF FUTURE CONSEQUENCES THAT ARE UNDER YOUR CONTROLL. Saying "You look really nice today" is fine. Saying "I've never been with someone as beautiful as you... you're amazing." Is not. Girls have an uncanny ability to keep ammo in the back of their head. They will bring it back to haunt you. If you give them no ammo, then there is nothing but their own flawed perception to go by when you ask "what have I done to give you the impression that we were exclusive?"

BE READY TO HURT GIRLS. I should have said this first, but now I'm not motivated to move it. You will be hurting someone. Be ready for it. The whole idea behind dating more than one girl at a time is to get to know all your options before you choose. You want to make this into a fucking science experiment. You want to get to know everything you can about these girls before you choose one or the other. This process might go on forever if none of you are looking for a relationship, but it might be as short as a couple weeks. There's no way to know. The only thing I do know, is that once you are ready to choose one or the other, someone's going to be hurt and feel betrayed. Even if you do everything right, in the immortal words of Nada Surf "Be prepared for the [girl] to feel hurt and rejected. Even if you've only gone together for a short time, and haven't been to serious, there's still a feeling of rejection when someone says [he'd] prefer the company of others to your exclusive company"

Everything I've outlined is basically having yourself in your best interest and minimizing the damage when it's time to cut one off. I don't hurt girls. I don't know how. I've been raised to protect girls and to be nice. The problem is, that doesn't get you anywhere because you're looking through someone else's eyes. How could you possibly understand what they see? The only way to be sure is see things from your own perspective and do what YOU believe is right for YOURSELF. If you think you need to stay with Nice Girl because she really likes you and it would be a really nice relationship even though you are really into Party Girl, you never know what will happen. Maybe Nice Girl will change her mind once she gets to know YOU better and now you've lost them both. Who wins in that situation? Nobody.

When it's time to tell one that you're going after the other, the first thing you need to do is make sure the one you want is on the same page. First, let her know that you'd like this to be more than just a casual thing. This doesn't HAVE to be innitated by you, but if you know what you want, it's a good idea to do it before you fuck it up. If everything works out, and she's in, then you're golden. What's nice about the situation you've got yourself into here is that you don't really have that "all or nothing" feel to asking her for more than friends. You know if she's like "uh, no... I just want company for the time being... beat it." that you have the other girl waiting for you. It really cuts down on the pressure. So, now you've made things official with 1 girl... how do you handle the other? Simple. "I have had a lot of fun with you, but I don't see this going any further." Don't give the "I want to be friends" horseshit or any other "loophole" breakup line [UPDATE: here's the link to my post about loophole breakup lines: http://3point1four.blogspot.com/2006/01/lets-just-be-friends.html]. You don't want to say something like "I'm just so busy" or "Now's not the right time" or play it off on her like "With you being in school..." or any of that shit. Let her know honestly and directly without any room for error, that this isn't going to go any further than it has. When she asks why, be honest. "I've met someone else. I believe it's only fair to let you know." SHE WILL RESPECT YOUR HONESTY... reguardless of how she behaves, she will eventually be thankful you didn't give her some lifeline she could swing from for months or some BS answer. She will most likely find out relatively soon that you actually are dating someone else, might as well just let her know so she doesn't have to question the past.

That also leaves the door open for if things don't work out with the girl you've picked. You can honestly say "You know, I made a mistake... her and I just didn't work out... I'd like to see you again if you can forgive me." She might not be able to, but at least she'll know you're an honest guy and that you were seeing other people before. She could have conditions she wants addressed before she gives you another shot. I'm pretty certain she will want to know you're not dating anyone else. As long as you're not, go for it. If you had chosen one over the other right off the bat it would be the same thing at this point anyway, only in our little plan, you get to know and enjoy them both for a while before you decide.

oh, and I was right... look at the comments left on my last post. I got fucking robo served by the photoblog. I think we both have very different clientele. Good job, man... 11 to 4 is a significant ass kicking of good ol Pi.

Reality of Honesty

2006-07-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

What's amazing is since I've been hanging around this week taking a break from all the searching and BS I've been doing in the job search to get my mind right I've been posting like crazy. On top of that, I've been advertizing the blog, searching for people talking about similar topics and commenting there, pointing people in this direction, etc.

Now that people are talking to me, making comments, sending emails, and reacting to the things I write I'm starting to feel silly for posting the stuff I have.

Last night I went over to www.gamesareforchildren.com where they were talking about online dating and gave them a link to my post about online dating. At least that's what I thought I did. I actually linked the July "archive" and the first post they saw was "Retreating Inside Myself..." The comments I got via email were people in shock. They really weren't looking for old sex stories when they showed up here. I felt bad. Why?

I'm not used to being this honest. I'm not used to being safe from a phone call where someone tells me "dude, not cool... take that shit down" or "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THE WORLD WHAT I SAID!" or something along those lines. The story of my first sexual experience came to me yesterday. I was thinking about it, and I thought it would be a good time to share it. It had nothing to do with anything else. No motive besides it was in my head and I wanted to put it in text. It was honest and a true story that I've never been able to tell to anyone, but I really wanted to. So why do I feel like it ruins my integrity?

I don't think I've got a focus and a singular motive to this blog. On one side I'll type a 1,000 word post breaking down a facet of attraction and relationships, the next I'm talking about cranking out a batch in some chick's shampoo bottle. I want to be seen as someone who has great opinions, but I've also got some stories to get off my chest. Can I do both? Will having dirty stories take away from an excellent observation in another post? I don't know. I would like to be seen as someone with some insight, but I don't know if that's important enough for me to separate the silly stuff from the serious stuff...

Oh well... this post stinks... I guess "congratulations to the photoblog" are in order... this one fails to entertain.

Battle of the Blogs (continued)

2006-07-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

Win #2 - http://mostboringblogever.blogspot.com/ This is one of those blogs where every other word is highlighted and links to someplace else. He does have interesting things to talk about, but I don't like clicking so many links to get the story. Not a bad blog, but I'm glad I won this one.

First Loss - http://jessafran.blogspot.com/ This is also conspiracy 1... votes went a little fast there Jessica... I think we need an independent committee to investigate the votes.

Loss #2 - I can't find the link. It was about "Minimizing Misery" or some jive. Interesting stories on that one, so when I find it I'll link it. Dude has that quality that bands lose when they get off the dope. I don't know how to word it, but he's had some REAL hard times and it gives his writting a cool quality.

New Battle? IT'S A PHOTOBLOG! I don't know how I feel about that seeing as it might turn into a genre fight. I also recognized the name and have admired his photos before. I tried to find a good picture to put up kind of like a bow to HIS photography, but my stuff's junk.

Retreating Back Inside Myself/my first sexual experience

2006-07-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

Retreating Back Inside Myself

I've spent the last couple days alone. I am talking super alone. I've lived alone for the past couple years, so I actually really enjoy it, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I've been inside my own head for 2 straight days. I've not thought about anything outside of my own story and reading up on other people's opinions that would help me learn more about the world. I feel worthless. It's been a hard week.

Monday: Plans cancelled with girl I'm getting to know right before she lets me know it's over. Tuesday: Best interview I've ever had. Never been so qualified for a job in my life.
Wednesday: Told they would have hired me if I was a woman/not so physically intimidating Thursday: Get another call from my old boss about the money I owe the company and have to explain my poverty to someone who doesn't believe me.

I've 100% retreated to my mind trying to just enjoy some memories, shut everyone out, and just get through one of the lowests slumps in my life. I am trying to soul search until I find some answers. If there was a mountain around here I'd have to climb to the top of it and walk on burning coals or some shit, but luckily, it's pretty flat.

I've watched a couple movies, I've talked to a couple people, but I've been focused on nothing but introspection and thought.

I have felt very well spoken the few times someone's intruded upon my peace. Unfortunately, I believe being well spoken in times of pain can oftentimes lead to people feeling sorry for you. I don't want pitty. I don't want your prayers. I've built this world and now I'm going to live in it.

I had a crazy night of dreams. Before I got to that point I watched the sun rise from my bed. I couldn't stop thinking about myself. Why? If job interviews and dating are the same, what women have had an interest in me throught my life and why? What were they like? How did they treat me when THEY were happy? Did that make me happy? Who loved me? I had all these questions in my head. I just was trying to break down the type of broad who likes the way I am, figure out what she liked about me, how I was treated, what she hated, etc. I wanted to teach myself what to look for, read the women and bosses I meet, and know what part of me they'd like. I fell asleep before I had any answers.

I dream in Technocolor. In fact, I think in technocolor. When I relive scenes from my past in my head, it looks like an old Merry Mellodies short. Last night was strange. I know it was something like the stories in Illustrated Man. Little dreams kept coming alive over and over and over, but I don't remember any of it at all outside of the fact that I did dream, and how they were organized.

Amazingly, when I woke up today all I wanted to do was listen to two CDs. I wanted to hear Wycleff Jean - The Carnival and Sublime's self titled album.

I've been listening over and over trying to put it together. What was I thinking about when I went to sleep that made these two artists come to mind? Was it something in my dream?

I got an email that said someone had posted a comment here. I was very flattered by what that person had to say, but when I clicked over to that person's site, I realized why I was listening to these two CDs.

The site is erotica. Extremely well written stuff. The site is called The Red House Chronicles. I was reading the first story (before I even knew it was erotica) and as I was reading and listening to Sublime it clicked... This was on during my first sexual experience! These were two of my favorite CDs back when I first hooked up with my first girlfriend! I had these in my car all the time. We used to put in sublime and just go to town in the backseat.

I spent the next half hour or so scrolled half way through the first post remembering all the awesome stuff her and I did together. She was an awful girlfriend, but not once, until I just typed those words, did those thoughts enter my mind. It was a wonderful trip through my brain thinking about all those afternoons trying to figure out where to hide my car...

My First Sexual Experience:

I have been debating this timeline for a while with myself. When I was 14 and she was 13 we kissed at a football game. I was only a freshman, so I did not dress for games. We were given free admission if we wore our jerseys, which I never told her. I felt like such a badass. I could walk up, flash the jersey, and her and I walk in. At 14, I had never held hands with a girl before. So, every week there would be all this girly speculation over if I was going to kiss her at the game that week. Well, team makes it to the playoffs and we're up in the bleachers. It's about... oh... 15 below zero and getting close to 11pm. We lose in overtime. As everyone is giving the team a standing ovation for an amazing 8-2 season/conference championship I look at her and we kiss. I still can see her face coming at me with her eyes closed and the hair she didn't manage to tuck under her wool hat blowing in her face. We kissed for what felt like a week and a half. I was sitting there and she took her glove off and pulled my hand to her lap and held it. I was the tough guy who hated wearing gloves... WTF are pockets for then? Anyway, I held her hand all the way to the corner of the building where my mom was waiting in her teal minivan honking the horn for me to go home. It wasn't my mom that broke off that moment. It was the fact that her family hated me beyond any comprehention and that her mother (the real hater... her dad loved me) might be out front, and now that we knew MY mom could see us, we needed someone else in between us.

I was debating that as my first sexual experience... mainly because I had a length of lead pipe in my pantaloons the whole time. Thank God I chose to wear layers under my jeans.

I rode home silently. My mom asked how the game went. I didn't know what to say. We lost in overtime by a field goal. Epic defensive battle with a team we beat the week before in regular season play. Total points scored in two games: 12. It was what you dream of as a lineman. Bloody, powerful ground and pound game in the snow and painful biting cold... it was heaven. But I was so fucking happy I couldn't even fake that I was sad that the seniors, my heros, lost their chance at greatness because they couldn't stop a 250lb fullback from getting a first down on 4th and 1.

Don't worry, this isn't a false alarm on the sexual thing, I'm getting to it.

Well, soon after the season she decided that she wanted to break up. That was all we had every done. One kiss, one walk holding hands. I don't think I ever even hugged her at that point. Whatever.

I am still madly in love with her. I had been obsessed with her since we first met and we were in the same circle of friends. It was hard not to be when they took all the "Gifted and Talented" students and shuffled us from class to class as a little group. It also didn't help that our names were next to each other in alphabetical order. We were on top of each other for the entire 6 years I knew her. From lockers to class seating charts. We were always there together.

That summer we sort of started things back up again. We had been going out together the whole interim, but not as anything more than a mob of young teens seeing a movie or whatnot. I never really persued anyone else because she was who I wanted and I was basically dating her. I was her shadow. Sometimes by choice, like on the weekends, and by force with stuff like our lockers.

I got my driver's lisence and things changed. Now I was able to go and pick her up and we were able to actually go out alone. Naturally, things started moving faster at this point. We had actually made our relationship official a while back, but things got interesting when I could drive.

Winter break. A friend of mine throws a party at his house. Parties back then, especially for us G&T/Honors kids, had nothing to do with alcohol. We were sitting around watching movies and playing video games. The N64 was hot and the fact that you could play 4 player made everyone, including the girls, curious. My buddy breaks out Goldeneye and we decide that the top two players stay, the bottom two pass the controllers to whoever is up next. It was like beer pong without the booze or the girls dressed like sluts in a dank basement.

I am probably the best goleneye player to ever live. I don't think I got off the game for an hour, then I just gave it up because I was ruining the fun for everyone else. Now, my girl was as competitive as anyone I've ever met in my life. I'm not much of a shit talker, but I would just look at her and go, "you want to see something?" "what's that?" BOOOM! "sniped." Now she's trying to distract me so she can win.

She stood about 5'1" and weighed in the neighborhood of 110lbs. She didn't like that she weighed that much, but she was a "big C, small D" bra and had a rock solid six pack that would only distract you a moment from her muscular ass. She was a dancer turned gymnist turned basketball player and tenis star. I had no idea how I had got this lucky. It just doesn't happen to 280lb 12 year old nerds. Whatever. I was loving it.

She was using her desire to distract me to hide her desire to just get me all worked up. She was jumping on my lap, grabbing the controller and accidentally hitting my junk, standing in front of me (wait, that's not sexual) and then bending over to see the TV, etc.

After I cut down everyone at the party a few times, we decide we need movies. Nobody had any opinion on what they wanted to see, so I said I'd go and make sure I got something good. My girl gets up and says "well, you like stupid movies, so I'm coming too."

Well, we didn't even make it out of his driveway. He lives on a hill with a looooooooooong driveway. I was parked all the way at hte bottom actually on the street. As soon as I sit in the driver's seat she fucking jumps me. Hops right on my lap and starts making out with me hard. We had been making out pretty regularly at this point, so this was nothing new.

In fact, we went with friends to see "starship troopers" the weekend before and her and I went further than I had expected. During the movie we were making out and I had my hand up under her shirt. Nothing new. That was about as far as we had been going for months. Just when I think things are going to slow down and we're going to just watch the movie she grabs my hand and slides it down to her pants. I'm now sitting here with no experience what so ever and having never even seen a live girl naked with my hand on her most intimate of areas. I just sorta felt her up for a while and then she unbuttons her top button and slides my hand down her pants. I still had no clue what I was doing, but she didn't either. She had never even got herself off before, so she had no idea what she liked. The two of us fumbled around until something worked and she'd guide my hand to do it again. Few minutes later she's biting the shoulder of my shirt and I realize that I just got a girl off. Amazing.

I had this conversation directly after the movie:

Him: "That movie sucked, at least there was a good shower scene."
Me: "I don't remember it."
Him: "uh... douche... it was a 15 minute scene"

I still haven't seen that part of the movie.

So where were we... ah yes, my buddy's driveway. So the two of us are going at it and she slides my hand down her body to her pants again. This time she doesn't want any problems so she takes her pants off in my back seat. I go back there with her and we're making out and I'm just trying to remember what I did the last time. She's really enjoying it and the kissing was amazing. To this day, kissing a girl who's getting off is the hottest thing EVER.

She grabs my head with both hands to make sure I won't stop kissing her and squeezes my hand with her thighs harder than I thought physically possible for a little bit and then goes limp in the seat. It seems like that was all that was going to happen. She wasn't going anywhere near my belt, what to do?

She had freckles in the summertime and just happened to have one on the webbing between her pinkey and ring finger. I have very few freckles. Probably to the point of calling them birthmarks instead. One of those birthmarks happens to be at the base of my cock. I made some joke about how if she was holding my junk the birthmarks would line up. She gives me this look like "no... not going to happen... but maybe." I take it out and she just looks at it. I grab her hand and match up the birthmarks and make some uncomfortable joke about how I win the bet. She just holds it for a while and then gets with the old up and down. The whole time she's going "what are we going to do if this... uh... works?" "We shouldn't be doing this." "What if someone sees us?" etc. She wasn't the best for creating a mood. She was nervous and was showing it on her face. Finally, she gets the hang of it and things start going great. I could tell this wasn't going to go on much longer until "it worked" and didn't know what to do.

Let's just say the both of us looked like we were involved with an explosion at the struedel factory.

All of a sudden the reality sinks in. Our clothes are ruined. We can't go to the movie store like this and we can't go back inside either. She starts talking about how she's never going to be able to get back in her house like that. She was wearing a tanktop under her sweater, so I told her to just take off the sweater and go home in her tanktop. I swore I'd bring her to the cleaners to have it washed. That seemed good enough for her. She takes off her sweater, but forgot to hold onto her shirt and now she's sitting there 100% naked. She laughs and covers up for a second before I hold her hand and start making out with her again. Next thing I know we're just laying across my backseat and I have my arms around a naked girl. I never felt better in my life.

Then people started leaving the party. We had been in my car for 3 hours.

My friend is now married, but he still will never let me live that down. Not only was that stupid as hell to not go and get the movie and make it obvious something was going on, but he had a thing for her too, so he was not too happy about it. We actually had never openly talked about how funny that night was until we were both at another mutual friend of ours' wedding.

I had to rub it in that I was the greatest goldeneye player ever, but I did find time to thank him. Against his will, his house (read: driveway) became the first place a girl ever got me off... and thus... my first sexual experience. It's kind of wierd to think that a dude friend of yours is somehow involved in your first non cranking load, but whatever. I'm cool with it.

Battle of the Blogs

2006-07-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

OK, BE does one thing right, they let me battle against other blogs even though this site contains "Partial profanity and Adult content." What the fuc is partial profanity? I'll never understand that shi.

Anyway, last night I won a pile of credits "battleing" this dude:

http://paynebyname.blogspot.com/

Check out his page, it's pretty cool.

What's amazing is I woke up to a pile of "credits" a comment, and some emails for the first time since I started this piece of shit blog.

I'm going to wage war more often.

I'm also hoping to get a little help here. I've met a young lady who writes very well and has some interesting opinions. We're exchaning emails on a previous topic and hopefully I'll have a conversation worth posting with both sides of the story soon.

I'd like to just quickly tell my story for anyone who found their way here and wonder why things are they way they are.

I have been keeping a blog for 2 years. This blog is the direct result of the people I care about taking things I say on my original blog either out of context, or to heart. The original blog was made so I could talk about my life, how I'm feeling, the interactions and relationships I experience on a day to day basis.

My blog was directly responsible for many fights with my ex, girls gaining/losing interest in me, and (probably... but I'm paranoid) would be employers reading things that were never meant for them. As a result, that site has had any mention of my name removed, and this blog was born with a very plain template and a name nobody would be able to link to me without snooping.

I tell stories that would embarass everyone involved. I talk candidly about the girls I'm seeing. I get emotional about things that would make me look weak. Basically, I'm honest. Something I found in blogging and lost to popularity.

So, please excuse the boringness of the page for the time being.

[EDIT] the reason I haven't had an email address listed is because my personal email adress is tied into my name and used for work related things. I like nobody knowing who I am, so giving out my email which is most of my name, would be detrimental.

Thanks to a Gmail account with a bunch of invites left, you can now email me at 3.14sucks [shift+2] gmail [button to the right of the comma] com. (I'm trying to see how I get caught up in the spam network, so I'm not going to make it THIS easy)

So, foward me all your hate mail, credit card information, pictures of boobs, etc.

Looks vs Personality vs Qualifications

2006-07-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

The woman who I've been dealing with who is the founder of the staffing firm and 35 year veteran of the industry keeps relating the job search to blind dating. I figured with my experience with "online dating" which is basically blind, I should have a pretty good understanding of what she means. Unfortunately, I do.

Here's what I mean.

When you find a job you want to hear more about you send your resume. The employer reads said resume and reviews your qualifications. Allegidly, this is the most important part of the job search. You want to find someone that is actually talented and can do the job you need done well.

Once the employer has determined that your qualifications are right, you meet up for an interview. The next step FLIES by. They look at you. They see how tall you are, how you're built, how you dress, how you carry yourself, your standing/sitting posture, etc. By the time you get to the conference room/office where you will be talking, they've allready evaluated this facet.

The final part of a job interview is personality. The whole reason you interview is personality. I've learned this because once they decide to bring you in, they obviously believe in your qualifications. They may want clarification on a point or two, but mostly they are seeing how you behave.

I don't know about you, but when I go into an interview I'm on my best fucking behavior. I sit properly, when I stand the first thing I do is button my jacket, when I sit my posture is perfect. When I talk I slow down and say things clearly with a smile. I position everything I've done in a positive light and never get negative about any experience I've had.

Basically, I'm not myself.

When I'm comfortable I'm fun, relaxed, loose (on the verge of "loose cannon"), focused, and determined. When I'm not, I'm a fucking straight edge. I know I come off as John Conservative. I know a lot of stuff about what I do, so when asked, I can talk fluently about anything they want to know. When I'm in, and relaxed, I can do this even better. Why? Because I can just throw shit out there, speak in my normal relaxed vernacular (whoa... I said vernacular), take time to think about things, back up facts, be honest when I am unsure, etc. In an interview... it's just not the same.

So, that's how an interview goes. How does that match up with online/blind dating?

I'm on eHarmony, so I'm going to use that as a basis for this section.

You get a profile match. The first thing you see is name and location. Those two are ok, so you open up the file. Inside you learn about her qualifications. She's 5'5", a teacher, list herself as "generous, ambitious, happy, genuine", enjoys reading, hanging out with friends, and is most thankful for "her close friends, family, her independence and strength." You are looking for someone who enjoys the outdoors, wants a family one day, and that is cool with pets. She meets those three qualifications. Overall, she seems interesting enough to at least send some questions her way.

Then you meet up. The looks are evaluated within the first 5 seconds you see each other. She sizes you up, you size her up, and if things seem ok or not, you will know in 5 seconds.

You've been chatting online for a little while, so now you know a bunch of the particulars about her, her life, her friends, etc. So, you ask her about stuff you don't even care about just to hear her talk. You want to see how she behaves when poked one way or led another. You throw a curveball here and there to see if she can handle it. You hope for something that makes you laugh. You go deep for a while and try to challenge her intellectually. You pay close attention to everything. What does she do with her hands? Is what I'm saying making her uncomfortable? What is she bringing to the conversation that I didn't lead her into? Is she consistant with what we had talked about before? Are there any issues she's hiding that are becoming more obvious by the way she discusses different topics? And it goes on and on.

Great! Pi just told everyone that a blind date is like an interview! What an amazing conclusion! You are awesome, Pi!

Shut up. I'm getting to the point.

Which of the three stages is most important? What I found amazing was what Def Leapord said on the radio about a month ago. They said that when they were looking for a new band member (I don't remember which) it was about 1% talent and 99% could they stand to spend 20 hours with this dude in a bus. That sounds stupid as hell. You would think a band would want a talented musician because they are being paid to make awesome (not saying they are awesome... but you get the point) music.

Then it hit me. They were all talented musicians. Every one of them could play pour some sugar on me without batting an eye. The ONLY thing that mattered was personality.

I'm still decimated from my interview this week. I really can't get over the fact that I didn't get the job because "she was intimidated by my size and because I'm a man. She would feel much more comfortable being a woman's boss." I had everything you could possibly want when it comes to talent and experience, but being a big dude disqualified me. Is that OK?

If you think it's OK for her to not hire me because she didn't think she'd be comfortable being a man's boss... what about if I was black? Maybe she's a racist and doesn't want blacks in her office. What if I was flamboyantly gay? Maybe she's a devout right wing christian who wouldn't want me around. What if I was in a wheel chair and she didn't want to have to make the proper accomodations?

Sure, discounting people who "don't make you comfortable" can be taken too far, but where is the line? When you have 100 people that are all perfectly qualified for the job, who's to say which you take? It's ALL pesonality and looks at that point. Who do they want to SEE and TALK TO every day from 9 to 5? The whole afirmative action and women's rights and all that stuff makes a lot more sense to me now because I can't imagine trying to break into a white male office if I wasn't a white male seeing as I can lose a job based on my balls even though I fit the majority. I guess prejudice is cool as long as you are the majority... at least I can't sue.

In dating, what's most important is a direct reflection of your personality. Cousin fil is all about personality. He has an appreciation for good looking dames, but he could really care less if she's 500lbs if she's nice. For him, it's all about the interview. He'll take them for a walk, get coffee, and get to know them. He's not excited about a gross chick, but he's not discouraged by it either.

For a buddy of mine, it's all qualifications. He is happy with his chick now because she's flexible and will do whatever the fuck he wants to do. She wants to have kids and keeps the house while he's at work. He originally met her because he thought she was pretty, but over time he has basically given up on the personality. They DO NOT CLICK personality wise. They basically hate everything each other love, but they meet the requirements of each other on the basics, so they have been together for years.

For me? I am looking for someone who's well rounded. I like to know that a girl would like a family one day, that she's cool with living in the suburbs, that she's a "comfortable height," etc. I know I have to clarify that last one. It's really hard to be with someone who's more than a foot shorter than you. Dancing, hugging, kissing, even sex is more awkward because of the massive height difference. I've basically held to the 1' rule when it comes to girls.

So, back to our teacher friend. She says she is unsure about having a family, she's well within the 1' rule, and she's indifferent about where she wants to live. For qualifications, I'm going to give her a 6 of 10.

She comes out for coffee. She's dressed very nicely and has an average figure. She's a bit overweight, but she's packed tightly so it's not a big deal. In fact, I think she looks cute. It took longer for me to type that sentence than to make that determination. I just want to make it clear that you only have a few seconds to make a physical impression. Don't go out dressed like a maniac or get caught off guard looking like a slob. She looks a little nervous and awkward. I like confident girls, so this throws half a red flag. Looks 6 of 10

So, now we're doing the Cousin fil thing and taking a walk. She settles down a bit now that we've been talking. I ask her about her job, her family, her dog, her ex she mentioned twice allready, etc. She is nice and appreciates my humor. That says a lot seeing as what I find funny really catches a lot of people off guard. Big plus. Ex talk again... that's 3. She cracks a joke... at least I think it was a joke... awkward laughter. She's not funny at all. Conversation goes on. More we talk, the more I realize that she isn't bringing anything to the conversation. Sure, she appreciates what I have to say, but there really isn't anything TO appreciate coming back. She tries to bring something deep up and wanders into something I'm very knowledgeable about without knowing it. I'm not trying to trump her, but she can't keep up. In fact, she starts asking really basic questions when she was the one that brought it up to begin with. Really not a very "engaging" conversation. I really enjoy a good conversation, and she does doesn't have that skill. Personality (interview) 3 of 10.

I'm not sure about this one. Her qualifications are good, her looks are average, but her personality is blah. She averages out to a 5 of 10 on the three areas, so I decide it's cool to give her another chance. In fact, I'm actually excited to give her another chance because she's got a little of everything and might have just been nervous the first date. If she settles down and is more enjoyable to talk to the next time I meet her she could easily be a nice girl to date. I wouldn't write her off because the first time we ever talked in person I found her to be boring.

THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE CORPORATE WORLD.

You get ONE shot to show how amazing a person you are and if you fuck it up, there are a dozen more people just as qualified as you are waiting in the wings. The funny part is they might not care how awesome a person you are. They may be looking for someone who's a tough guy, someone who's submissive, someone who's straight edged and serious, someone who's funny and relaxed... you have no idea because they are sitting there with a notepad full of questions and giving you nothing to work with.

For all of you haters out there that think I'm shallow, here's another situation I've been in:

Qualifications: 1 of 10 - She really wants to live in the city and is only 5' tall. She also isn't sure about kids but doesn't know what the future will bring. Her parents went through an awful divorce and she was right in the middle of it. Her most recent relationship was about 2 weeks ago and ended because he cheated on her.

Looks: 9 of 10 - This girl is amazing. She's got all the right curves in all the right places. She dresses sexy as hell and carries herself with a cool confidence that makes my words run together. Absolutely beautiful.

Personality 3 of 10 - Definately not over her ex. Probably has trust issues from 1. the divorce 2. the cheater ex. She consistantly talks about how much of a fucking asshole he is. She doesn't say much, yet her mouth is constantly running. I have no idea what the hell she's talking about because it seems the world she lives on is someplace where dopplegangers wear goatees. She could care less about anything I'm interested in, is caught offguard by a joke and really shows her displeasure with a face that looks like she just drank poison. The most interesting part of the conversation is that I have never had any experienc with someone who not only knows what color someone is wearing, but what designer made that shirt and what year it was introduced. Now I'm looking at my faded T Shirt I got at a bar and my old jeans and wondering what the fuck she sees. The conversation is awkward at best, but for a very different reason than the first girl. This one's not nervous, she's just not interested in anything I have to say and has nothing to say that I can even remotely relate to.

Average score: 4.3

Not much worse than the first girl, but when I evaluate chicks it's never on the total package. Just because you blow one thing out of the water doesn't mean that the other two can be complete failures. Someone who was a 5 in all three areas would be much more interesting to me than someone who's a looks/personality/qualifications 10 and a 1 in the other 2 areas.

I've been trying to hash out this question in my head the whole time. What's most important? Is it different in dating than the corporate world? Is there any way to really know?

I guess if you take out every girl that doesn't get a 10 on qualifications it makes looks and personality all that matters. Then if you can take all the girls that don't get at least a 5 in one or the other and take them out then you have a decent pool of girls to deal with. The only girls that are left are the ones that are at least somewhat attractive and that have a decent personality. Now when you're getting to know them, you don't give a damn about their qualifications because you allready screened them for that.

Sound familiar?

Prejudice in my life

2006-07-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

Facts about Pi:
1. I am 25
2. I am white.
3. I stand 6'4" tall.
4. I weigh 295lbs at about 9% body fat.
5. I have a beard.
6. I buzz my hair to save money.
7. I am unemployed.
8. I went to an extremely exclusive private university.

I'm a big athletic white guy with an amazing educational background. People say I'm handsome, but I don't see it. I work my ass off. I respect people. I am well spoken (and would write better if I could spell half the words I use in speach). I'm accepting and kind to people. I can diffuse any difficult situation with a laugh. I'm a bit shy and nervous. I am NOT a brutish, overly confident, intimidating person.

So, what prejudice do I experience? Let me tell you the most recent example:

I applied for an administrative assistant job at a financial firm. I have all my financial lisences but do not want to persue a career in sales, so I'm looking for other ways to use it. I have a business degree, real world experience, extremely in depth knowledge of the systems I'd be using, I live 10 minutes away, I had a great time interviewing with the woman who was asking me the questions. I think I looked great. I was early and sociable with the people in the lobby. I had a smile on my face and was engaging in the conversation.

I was told that a second interview was going to be set up for next week and that she was excited to have me as part of the team.

Today I get a call from the recruiter that set me up at that interview. This is what she says she heard from the woman I interviewed with:

She told me that the chemistry isn't there. I think it's because you're a man, and a physically intimidating one at that. I am sure, knowing this girl, that she'd be much more comfortable with a woman reporting to her. Don't worry about it, the interview process is 85% personality. Don't take it personally.

How the FUCK am I not supposed to take it personally when it has everything to do with me personally and only 15% qualifications?

My grandmother was right, be a cop, join the fire department, be a bartender. Do something where my strength and physical presense are blessings, not curses.

I wasted a chance at happiness when I went to school. I'm in massive debt and every door that was supposed to be opened by graduating from a top knotch school has been closed by the fact that I am a very big and very intimidating LOOKING person. I don't think I could be nicer and less intimidating if I tried, but the way I look... I guess I'm fucked.

I never had any idea what it was like to be a minority. To be someone who lost opportunities because of the color of their skin. I think this is as close as I could possible get to discrimination. I guess I could go back to delivering beer or stocking shelves, but even those jobs won't take me because they look at my resume and say "You won't stay, you're overqualified and will leave us."

I've been pidgeon holed into a place where I have no chance to succeede. There is no difference between trying and giving up anymore. I'm going to just sit here and waste away one way or the other. I heard that there is a temp job that pays $17 an hour that's open. I really hope they don't interview me, because I fail every time I try. I hope they just take me because they need a warm body to do something meaningless.

I hate my life. This is the first time I've seriously sat and thought about that statement beofore and really meant it. I hate who I am, what I've become, where I'm going, the way people see me, and all I ever try to do is make people happy.

Why I hate Blog Explosion

2006-07-26T14:06:00.000-07:00

OK, so this blog uses bad language and discusses adult content... what's the problem with that?

Let me tell you. Blog Explosion, which has been a wonderful way to promote other projects of mine and to read some interesting stuff, is a waste of my time for this blog.

1. I've had 200 credits available and this blog active for weeks. I still haven't even dented the FIST hundred. My other blog will blow through 200 credits in a few hours to a day. The reason is that the default settings on BE hide any blog that is flagged "profanity/adult content." So, the majority of BE users just blow through all the politics, news, baby sites, and boring drivil without having an opportunity to make the decision for themself whether or not they want to read bad language or hear a little sex talk. I sure know I find that shit interesting. I didn't want to have that filtered out, but I've probably surfed through 10,000 blogs before I realized that was the case.

2. I cannot take part in the "Rent my blog" campaign because this is an "adult" blog.

So, while BE has been the best way to make friends and gain readership for my other blog, this one wallows in obscurity because of "adult content."

FUCK YOU, BLOGEXPLOSION!

If any of the few people who run by here know of another way to get a few dozen people to show up a day, leave a comment.

All The Relationship I Have...

2006-07-24T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting here with that "freshly punched in the gut" feeling for the last few hours and have just been listening to Top Tracks on XM radio (classic rock) and thinking. I exchanged text messages with cousin fil because I didn't know anyone else to talk to. He, of course, being a shrink, drops a ton of "she was lucky to have known you" bullshit on me which would help if it wasn't for the pattern recognition I'm going through. I see things going one way, doing one thing, having one result yet I refuse to admit defeat and just keep plugging away doing the same shit and having the same result.

I think the first step is realizing you have a problem.

If you just take all the girls I haven't liked for one reason or another and push them aside, there is this consistant and painful pattern of dating I've been going through now for the past couple years. I meet a girl, she's fun, pretty, smart, and everything else that I am looking for. We go out a few times, things are wonderful. I start to get excited about this actually having potential, and she lets me know one way or the other that she doesn't want to keep this going.

What am I doing wrong?

I think I've somewhat figured it out, but it's part of my personality that I've not been able to 'fix' since I was a child and I doubt I'll be able to fix it now. I get very excited about things and can't get them out of my head once they are there. When I first met the girl in the city she was exactly what I was looking for and I just wanted to be around her. I had called her a few times and she had sent me a billion text messages. I was too available again. I was too excited to be around her again. I made it too easy again. Now she's trying to work things out with her piece of shit ex that didn't even come to visit her when she was bedridden after major surgery. How did I lose to that fucking creep?

I've been poking around on BE this afternoon as well. I've been trying to find relationship slanted blogs from women and found a few that caught my interest. One in particular spoke about how she was in love with a guy that is out dating other chicks and "just wants to be friends" with her.

I want to be that guy.

I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to stop myself from being fixated on things I like. I don't know how I'm going to change, but I'm going to have to. If that means dating girls I don't like just to be able to go out and hook up with other chicks and not care, then so be it. I just want to feel distant and disconnected. I want to not care one way or the other. I want to date without any emotion.

Is that even possible? Is that what people do?

Like I always do, which is probably part of the problem, I've been communicating with matches on eHarmony that I'm really not interested in. You know what? I'm going to take down my pictures of me smiling in the mirror and take some pictures of me from the best angles possible and make myself look my absolute best instead of trying to post "real" pictures. I'm going to keep talking to girls I'm not attracted to/not clicking with and I'm going to go out with them. On top of that, I'm going to try to fuck them. Afterwards I won't call and I'll take other girls out and try to fuck them as well. When I'm not on top of these girls I'm going to be invisible. No calls, no emails, no text messages, nothing. I don't want to know they exist unless they go out of their fucking way to see me, and even then I want to have better things to do. When they say "call me" I might, but it's no guarantee. If they don't specifically ask for a call, they better fucking make one or they won't get one. I'm no longer going to try to earn a woman's trust and get her to like me. I'm going to go out like I couldn't care less and if she's interested, she better fucking put in some effort.

Girls aren't used to nice guys. They aren't used to getting a call after a first date. They just don't get it. They are used to assholes and guys that ignore them. So, I will be one of those guys. I have a girl in mind as a test subject. I'm totally going to fuck with her and see if it works. If it does, then I'll find a few others to fuck with until I have it down, then I can start my life the way I've decided I want to live it.

Enough of this happy horseshit. I just can't go on caring about people only to be the one standing there with my recently snapped closed phone in my crushing grip looking off into space and wondering "what the fuck did I do wrong?"

I finally think I know and I'm ready to fix it. Stop being so into girls, let them be into you and only give them enough to let you fuck them, then dissapear. When they come looking for you, you've got em.

if not, at least it's something different to try

Worst 15 minutes in a long time

2006-07-24T11:53:00.000-07:00

2:30PM Get a call from the girl.
2:31PM Call breaks in from employment agency (setting up job interview)
2:32PM Back on the phone with the girl
2:33PM She tells me her girlfriends are taking her out tonight (we had plans)
2:34PM Girl tells me she's working it out with her ex
2:40PM Send a text to cousin fil
2:41PM Get a call from some cocksucker lawyer from my last job asking about the 1500 bucks I owe them back
2:45PM Finally hang up on him after saying my peace even though he continues to throw rookie buzz words in my face

WHAT THE FUCK?

I stayed over this chick's place last week. We hooked up and she was talking about how much fun we're going to have together. Had a wonderful time. Things were going great... then BAM! "I'm working things out with my ex."

Be ready for anything. Always have one in the chamber...

I wasn't ready for anything, I didn't have one in the chamber. Things were going so well. How about I finally stop standing here on my fucking pedistal giving out advice that makes sense without doing it myself. I'm like the cop that takes away your 'illegal' fireworks and sets them off in his own backyard while smoking his confescated pot.

I DO NOT FOLLOW MY OWN ADVICE.

I'm getting powerful tired of this whole dating thing. I don't know how I could have possibly had a better start to a relationship than the one I just had and then it's over like that.

I just keep running through the night in my head. All the things she said, all the things we did. It's mind boggling that I'm even typing this now. This is why you cheat. This is why you don't date one girl at a time. This is why girls get their hearts broken. Why? Because we can't trust them. Their emotions aren't the same as ours. They don't think like we do. There is no point in a relationship when you should feel safe because you're not.

I don't believe in relationships at all. They don't make sense, they don't work, it's bullshit.

No matter how many times I say that, I still find myself longing for the connection with someone. Having someone there for you when you just need someone to listen for a little while. Someone to hold until you've forgotten how bad a day you've had. I'm such a sap. I just want to forget about the connection and just go out and bring home sloppy sluts and fuck em to get my kicks and go back to what's really important in life. The things I can controll. The things I can predict. The things that bring me happiness without the fear of losing them without reason. When I work on my truck, I know it's going to be there for me when I want to go four wheeling. I'm not going to give a list of things, but there are too many things the bring me happiness that I can predict because of a set and rational set of causes and effects. Women are not one of those things.

What sucks is that right now I'm sitting here and I just want to get away. I want to drive somewhere and just talk with friends and remember how awesome it is to have people you care about in your life. My best friend's gone, my other friends and I don't have the kind of relationship where I tell them about shit like this, and cousin fil is shady at best, so the odds of running into him without having to spend time with his family when I just want to talk to him are slim to none.

This is when I really feel alone. When all I want to do is chat with someone for a minute or two and just get it off my chest and I can't think of who to call.

All the advice in the world, yet none for myself.

Why you don't cheat [update]

2006-07-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

this dude did the right thing. I don't think he should have married her in the first place because you can't trust women, but you should always be chasing other tail because you never know when the one you're with will flake on you and decide to leave. I seem to remember somewhere in my life getting the understanding that it's guys who are flakes and hard to nail down in a relationship. Whowever said that should fucking hang himself because my experience has been the complete opposite.

Cheat, never be in a monogomous relationship, never be comfortable because she will leave you without giving you a hint of a rational reason why and you'll be sitting there wishing you had been with other girls the whole time.

Don't End Up in a Box (continuation of last post)

2006-07-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

"No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why" -Mignon McLaughlin

I figured out why my credits on blogexplosion aren't going down as rapidly as I had expected. My other blog that I used to advertise on that site couldn't keep credits in stock for more than a day or so no matter how much I surfed around. This one is marked "mature content" and your default setting on BE is "NO mature content." Unless you know what you're looking for, you won't even notice that the default is set that way. Oh well... all the pussies who can't take the heat won't get close.

Anyways, last we met we were chatting about how girls oftentimes fill their needs with multiple men but always date the Sex Guy for obvious relationship and social norms. This leaves GBF, Fun Guy, and every other "Guy" wanting to be with her, thinking he has a chance, but being about as far from the girl as he can possibly be.

I am pretty confident that you can avoid falling into any of the undesirable boxes by being careful from the get go and looking for signs that you are going the wrong way. The problem is that relationships are defined as they develop. You don't get a second chance to show who you are and how you fit into someone's life. Especially if you are a consistant part of each other's schedules.

So, what can you do?

Can you hang out Friday? How about Saturday? Sunday? What day next week would work?

First of all, a common mistake I, and many other guys fall into is being too available. When a girl knows she can get you on the phone, AIM, email at any time of day or night and you'll be there waiting for her, that's just too much. You'll naturally be falling into the same slot as her friends because you are available like her friends. That's the first bad part to being available 24/7. There's more to it that goes a bit deeper. Because you are so easily reachable and so eager to talk to/see this girl you make it obvious you have nothing better to do. When you ask someone out on a Friday and she says she's busy, you DO NOT throw out another day. DON'T DO IT. Let her suggest a better time or just keep your mouth shut. If she's like, "Sorry, I'm going out with the girls on Friday." and you reply "Well, how about Saturday... or Sunday afternoon or something?" She immediately realizes that you are planning your weekend around her, that you have nothing going on for yourself, and that you REALLY want to see her. If you must suggest an alternative, something like "Well, I guess we could meet up another time then." Is good enough. If she throws out, "I'm busy on Friday, but I'm free on Saturday." then you can accept that, but making it seem a little more difficult is always best... "Sure, that sounds good... I was going to hang out with Dudefriend_02 this weekend, I'll just let him know we'll be having beers Friday." instead of "Sure!!!!!1"

Showing that you're focused on her makes her role in the relationship just existing. That's not fun for women. They want to know that what they do makes you want them more. They want to be hunted, but only because they are making themselves attractive prey. If they truely believe that you'd still be after her if she was a jerk who weighed 300lbs then they won't really be impressed that you are going out of your way to be there whenever she has a moment to talk/hang out. That's the behavior of a friend. Think about your best friend. If you need to talk to someone about something or feel like hanging out there is a damn good chance your friend will be there for whatever you need. That sounds "light in the pants" but to change the way I'm wording this will disconnect the example from the conversation, so suck it up. Every guy has had plans with a chick that fell through because one of her friends broke up with her boyfriend or got in a fight with someone and needed a place to cry and shove her face with ice cream. If you feel yourself becoming the ice cream man it's time to back off.

When you hang out, don't call her for a few days. When she txt messages you, don't reply for a few hours, when she's busy, don't hang out that weekend. Have plans of your own. See other girls. Hang out with your boys as much as possible. Make plans that have nothing to do with her and make sure she knows that you're just as busy and active as she is. Being a slug that kicks around your apartment with your cell phone in hand waiting to hear from some broad is not a turn on to chicks. They want to know they are taking time from you. Not in an evil way, but they want to know that your time is valuable and that when you hang out, it's because you want to be with her, not because the alternative was blogging or playing MMOs (hey... wait a second... ah... nevermind).

You look really wonderful tonight. You're perfume smells great. I really like your opinions.

Compliments. Probably one of the best ways to turn a girl on and the best way to fall out of her favor. Saying something nice here and there makes you a gentleman... going overboard makes you look like a desperate douche. Again, this is making things too easy. Why play a game you can't lose? It's like playing basketball against little kids. Sure, it's a novelty for a little while to mess around and shoot a few hoops with the lil guys, but it's not motivating enough to get you into the gym every day. What makes you go out and practice your hook shot for hours on end? Competition. Knowing that if you slack you're going to fall behind and get your ass kicked. A girl that can't lose a guy is a girl that doesn't treat him right and a girl that will probably never be happy. If you're running around telling a girl how awesome she is every 5 minutes she's going to become desensitised, get tired of hearing it, lose interest in you as anything but 'a really nice guy' and just move on to more of a challenging situation.

Of course, as time goes on, things change. Some girls want to hear how beautiful they are every now and again, but there is never a time you should follow her around showering her praise for every word that falls out of her trap and kissing her ass.

You don't want to be the Nice Guy... you want to be her boyfriend. Always remember that.

She's the most important thing in my life

This is NOT where your girlfriend should be. There has only been one time in my life I put my girl over everything else in my life and that was my first serious relationship. I let everything else fall apart while groveling for this chick's attention years after we started dating. It was this experience that taught me the value of putting yourself and your life ahead of anyone else. Everyone needs to know their priorities, by name, off the top of their head. For me, it's myself, my family, my career, my friends, my pets, girls (this list is as of today when I'm still just playing around with a pile of chicks... a girl plays her cards right and she might pass my pets). I know that order because I've thought about it and made it a part of my decision making process. Ex. Girl_01 wants to hang out on Saturday but Familymember_00 is in town and I've been invited over for burgers and beer. That decision would be difficult if you didn't know your priorities, but for me, family comes before girls, so I go have burgers and beer. What if my friends want to go out cruising and I have to work the next day? I stay in. What if I have a major client meeting but I need to pick up a family member from the airport due to some unforeseen emergency? I go to the airport.

Not only do YOU need to know this list, but anyone in your top 10 should know where they fall. That goes doubly true for chicks. They don't necessarily need to be told, but your actions should make it clear that when everything else is held constant, the decision is premade. It takes pressure off of both sides and keeps her from feeling too comfortable. Don't get me wrong, she should know you like her and that you're hanging around for a while, but she MUST understand that she's not the only thing that matters to you.

When you are making decisions it's important to do what's right for yourself first. When you try to see things through someone else's eyes first is when you make mistakes because you have no fucking clue what they are really seeing. You can't make anyone else happy if you are not happy yourself, so there's no use doing things backwards. If you decide to do XXX because it will make her happy but you know doing XXX will make you miserable then you're going to be miserable and it will reflect in her enjoyment of XXX. Sure, everyone can fake it. I've seen more than my fair share of shitty movies, lousy parties, etc to try to make some dame happy, but in the end it would have made us both happier to do something that we'd both enjoy.

Everything in life is grey area. Everything is middle ground. You can't say that you'll never bend on anything she wants you to do, but in the formative months of a relationship, avoiding situations where you are walking into a buzz saw is key. Turning down a trip to the mall with her girlfriends may seem like you don't enjoy the same things at first and you might be thinking of going just to make her happy, but passing and doing something else is the honest way to go and she'll respect you for having a backbone and an opinion more than she would respect you for being a pushover.

I really like her a lot and things are going great. I don't need to be running around with any other girls because it's only a matter of time before we're officially an item.

Be ready for anything and always have one in the chamber. I hate to say this, but there is no ground in a relationship, especially a new one, that's sturdy enough for you to set up camp. Just because a girl kisses you goodnight doesn't mean that you are supposed to drop every other girl in your life and focus on the one that made out with you. I will go so far as to say until the day you die you should never burn your bridges. I was involved in a super long term relationship that fell apart over the course of a weekend with no driving incident. She just decided she wanted out and left. I had burned every bridge with every girl I knew... passively. I stopped caring what they thought of me and would just be a typical asshole around them. That wasn't so bad because I could have still started things moving after the ex was out of the picture, but it was so long and so consistant that changing the way I behaved in their presence after so long would be an obvious play to get in their pants after so much time treating them like one of the guys. I had allready defined our relationships and trying to step outside of what was allready set was impossible. Especially if they knew I just broke up with my ex. Girls know when you're interested and when you're not. If you lose interest in all other girls because you've got a huntch that this one girl is going to be a great relationship and it doesn't work out, then you have to do a 180 in front of their eyes and then explain why. Seeing as the motivation is getting in their pants, you will fail.

The second I start feeling good and comfortable with a new girl I slap myself around and start looking for other chicks. I will NEVER cheat on a girl no matter what, but I will start the process of getting to know other girls and keeping them in the stables until it's time to take them out for a ride. This accomplishes a few goals. First, it stops you from falling into a Fun Guy or GBF role because they know you are flirting with them, being smooth, showing interest in them as more than friends. Secondly, if things don't work out with the girl you're interested in now, it won't be such a crushing blow because you'll have a real good idea who's next. Finally, it will keep you sharp. Even if this is a 10 year process you'll still be talking with ladies, getting to know them, showing that you're still someone that appreciates a good broad, and all the while keeping enough distance to make yourself a bit of a challenge and safe with your current girl. If you let yourself fall completely off the dating radar while in a relationship you'll get rusty and forget how it all works. Like I said above, I DO NOT condone cheating AT ALL. I'm not saying to go around giving out your number and hooking with drunk girls on the dance floor, but I am saying to treat girls you might have an interest in like you might be with them one day regardless of your relationship status.

It's also very important to remember where your relationship stands. If you are not a clearly defined exclusive couple, then she's out chasing dudes just like you're out chasing chicks. There's just as good a chance she'll find someone else as you'll find someone else. Because we're basing this discussion around the fact that you do really want to be with this girl, we're going to put the 'rejection' in her hands. If you think just because you guys were involved in some heavy petting in your car when you dropped her off that she's not making eyes with some cute guy at the bar, you're WRONG. Until you both agree that you've become exclusive, don't treat it like you're exclusive (and don't expect her to). If you meet someone and want to see how it goes, do so. Don't lie to the girls, just don't give out any info you don't have to. (I'll get more into this in a later post). Don't be afraid of dating 2 or 3 girls at once as long as none of them become serious. Who's to say that the first girl you met is the one you want to spend the next few months/years with? The only way to know is to get to know them all as well as you can before it's time to choose.

I know how to make her laugh... we'll definately end up going out.

Having a sense of humor, especially one that clicks with the girl you want to date is a great thing, but it's not a guarantee by any means. She may enjoy your company and may want to hang out a lot, but that might be because you're just a lot of fun, but not "boyfriend material." Welcome to Fun Guy status. You have to bring more to the table than dick jokes and funny stories. This one is pretty easy to straighten out. If you're hanging out with her and you feel that it's your sole responsibility to make her laugh all night long, simple stop with the funny shit and just talk. You need to show her that you have something in that head that doesn't end with "TaDAAA." Mix in conversations about other things, other events, stuff that shows you are just as smart and endearing as you are funny. Go out and make a conscious effort to talk about things just for the sake of the conversation and not to come around to a joke. If she starts losing interest as you start talking serious, then you've avoided being her comic relief, but that also means you're in too deep as Fun Guy. Funny isn't always jokes, so if you find yourself blowing lines of salt and squeezing lemons into your eyes to get a reaction, STOP. You need to make sure you can stop the comedy routine and still keep her attention. If you can't, then you're just Fun Guy.

What this all comes down to is that girls need a lot from their men. If you want to be the one she comes home to, then you can't just stress one thing that you think gives you an edge. If you think allways being there for her is your thing, you better have other plans. If she laughs at all your jokes, you better have something smart to say from time to time. If things are going well, you better keep your options open. And if she's the best thing that's ever happened to you, you better start thinking about what matters most and what will always be there for you no matter what. If you can maintain a comfortable distance, make her smile/think/feel good about herself, while not focusing all your energy on her, then you're moving in the right direction.

Girls: bad boys vs good boys (is completely wrong)

2006-07-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

This post is the result of the afternoon I spent with cousin fil. Him and I have been a team since we were kids because we are the closest in age and would have to team up to take on our older cousins. We always would lose, but damnit, we fought.

fil and I have spent considerable time together since I moved into the next town over from him, and it's interesting to see what comes out of our conversations. He's a shrink (lololol I know you're a psycologist or whatever and it's not technically a 'shrink' but fuck off) and I'm an asshole with a lot of opinions, so when we chill it's interesting. He uses his jedi magic to fuck with my head and I drop relationship knowledge.

The last time we talked I quit my job. The force is strong with cousin fil.

Today we were talking about girls. Namely, why girls make you their closest friend in the world but won't touch you. He was talking about some broad that he would sleep next to, but nothing would happen. That's when I went batshit crazy and started explaining how I see it.

My basic theory is that girls need a lot of things from guys. They want fun, sex, compassion, friendship, and love. Unfortunately, some girls get those things from different people.

Everyone's heard about some sap that is in love with some girl who will come over in the middle of the night and cry about how bad her boyfriend is, talk about how he's so nice, and then go back to fucking her boyfriend. Oftentimes people say "well, if I was a biker badass and treated girls like shit then I'd be banging them instead of listening to their problems." They are very wrong. Here's why:

Like I said, girls need a lot from their men. The problem is that along the line, most people have dated someone that had just about everything. Someone who's smart and funny, but isn't attractive. Someone who's good looking and fun, but is dumb as a pile of rocks. Someone who's exciting, fun, and great in bed that wouldn't call to see how you were doing if you were laid up in the hospital... and the list goes on. Everyone's seen it, the perfect relationship with a fatal flaw. It's when you meet someone who's so close the only thing you can say is "goodbye" before you call your friends and go "holy shit, she was awesome, but she was just missing X... I don't think I can deal with it, but damn... I wish she had just a little X."

The way I see it, and it goes back to hunter gatherer times, is that women will take a half person if he's got something she loves and go to the other men in her life to fill in the gaps. Back in the tribe the woman may only be having sex with one man, but another guy would be bringing home the food he hunted and another would build shelter, etc. Before we became a farming species we relied on the strength of the pack to get things done and no one man did everything for one woman. (I am going on memories of history channel shows long past and history books long sold back, so if I'm wrong, let me know, and I'll delete your comment, fix it, and not give you credit). I still feel like some of that is alive today. If a woman gets half a great relationship from one man, she'll go to others to fill in the gaps.

To start, let's say that a girl goes to a bar and hooks up with a great looking guy. She brings him home for a night of amazing sex and that is the beginning of a relationship. Why? The sex was so good and he's soooooo good looking that she has to go back. Now they have sex on a regular basis and it's amazing every single time. The problem? He's not much more than a dick and washboard stomach. So what does she do?

In comes the GBF. GBF is short for Girl's Best Friend. This is the guy that listens to her problems and is always there when she needs him. Her girlfriends will always listen because they are friends, but they are still not giving her manly answers (not macho, but from a man) or seeing things from a man's point of view. She will retreat to this GBF whenever she's fighting with her boyfriend or just wants to lay on the couch in her sweats and watch a movie with someone who enjoys her company even if she's not blowing him. This could go so far as asking the guy out on dates, doing things together, spending considerable time together, and basically having a relationship that does not involve any of the physical element. This guy appreciates her opinion, enjoys her presence, laughs at her jokes, and cares about her, but in his head he's going to break them up and be her one and only one day. In her mind, she doesn't have to have sex with him because he respects her as a person. The GBF is now filling a hole that the Sex Guy is not, but she can't date the GBF no matter how much she wants to because she can't have the Sex Guy if she's with the GBF, but she can have the GBF if she's with the Sex Guy. GBF loses on all fronts because once she breaks up with Sex Guy she'll be on the hunt for another Sex Guy because she allready has the companionship of GBF and just needs the sex. She won't "ruin" her relationship with GBF because she enjoys the way things are so much that she'd rather go out with another Sex Guy than make GBF into "boyfriend" and hope he can fill both roles because if she fails, then she has nothing.

Now, what if Sex Guy is awesome in bed, but is no fun to hang out with? Enter Fun Guy! Fun Guy is the one that the girl goes to when she just wants to have a great time. He makes her laugh, he does fun things, they enjoy the same stuff, and when they are together it's nothing but a party from beginning to end. Fun Guy has a lot of qualities of GBF, but he's around for a different reason. Our own Pi has become Fun Guy with several girls that he has wanted to bang for a long time... so it's not hard to do. As Fun Guy your role is to hang out with this girl whenever she's in town and show her a great time. This doesn't mean FG is a clown, it just means that you enjoy the same things and have a lot in common with this girl. That might mean you both love fine art and you take her to museums and art galaries. On the other side of the spectrum, FG might be the drug hookup. Maybe Sex Guy is a straight edge and when the girl wants to smoke some trees she goes to FG and they get high and eat sandwitches all night. Of course, FG (like every guy I will mention) really would love to be with this girl, but to her, he is around simply for her entertainment. FG makes her laugh, they have so much in common it's crazy, but they too, don't have much of a chance as a couple. Why? For basically the same reasons as GBF... they have so much fun and are such good buddies that she wouldn't want to give that up for a shot at a relationship. Again, if FG fails as boyfriend, then she doesn't have her party hookup anymore and is back to the drawing board (crying in GBF's couch pillows as he strokes her hair).

What about if Sex Guy is a dominating person and she wants to be in conrol? Then you find a guy who will let you push him around and do so. Or if he's a wimp and you want to be around someone strong? Or if he's total clown and you want someone who's an intellectual. Or if he's partier and you'd like some quiet time? The list goes on and on. To continue to elaborate on each point would just be going too far.

But, there is one situation that has to be covered. What if the guy she is dating is a wonderful person. He's loving, fun, cares about her deeply, does everything she ever dreamed a boyfriend would do.... but just isn't doing it for her sexually? Here's where Sex Guy comes back, only this time it's a much more painful conclusion. In this situation, Sex Guy becomes "Other Guy" and is one of the most vile evils in this world. I, Pi, will NEVER be the Other Guy because I know how much it hurts when you find out that your baby is with an Other Guy. I would simply not do that to another dude, even if I didn't know him, because that's not something anyone should go through. But, alas, it happens. You can't 100% blame Other Guy either because there are times that the girl is not telling him. Girlfriends don't wear a sign that says that they are taken. I am sure there have been many times I've spent the night dancing with another guy's chick thinking she'd be the next to ruin her life at my hand, but how the hell are we supposed to know? Anyways, back to the topic at hand, if a girl goes home with Other Guy when she says she's staying at a girlfriend's place and now starts a sexual thing outside of her relationship it supprisingly does not give Sex Guy that much more of a chance at being her boyfriend than any of the other Guys. There are a lot of reasons why people cheat. It could be what I've said and they simply have it great on all levels but the sexual one with their current boyfriend/girlfriend or it could be that the excitement of going out and doing "bad things" with other people is just a lot of fun for them. Either way, once her boyfriend and her boyfriend split up, the OG isn't the shoe in you'd think he'd be for the next relationship. Once you can spend the whole weekend lounging around with OG often the passion goes out the window with the danger. Or, she could get to know OG and realize all he is is Sex Guy and is in no way "boyfriend material."

The major social norm that makes all this interesting is that you are supposed to date the person you bring to bed. It makes it impossible for the girl to date GBF and (assuming he can't lay pipe) bang Sex Guy. Of course, I'm not assuming that just because you're a GBF or a FG or whatever that you can't give a gal a toe curling night of unbelievable sex. In fact, I'm saying the complete opposite, but I'll get to that in a later post. What I'm saying is that the Sex Guy "gets" the girl because that's the only one it's socially (and relationship-ally? There's no way that's a fucking word... bleh... you get it) acceptable. I can't think of anyone that would be cool with just being his girlfriend's "friend" while she goes out fucking other guys. It just doesn't work. This is where the misconsception of "the bad guys get the girls" comes in. Guys think that just because a guy is treating a girl like shit (in her words) and she stays with him that it's A DIRECT RESULT of him being a badass when in reality she was originally sexually attracted to him and became exclusive because she was sexually intimate with him more times than she could stomach outside of an exclusive relationship. If you REALLY want to go deep with this, the fact that he IS an ass to her might be a direct response to the fact that he can bang any chick he wants. A great looking guy with an awesome body who dresses well and talks a smooth game at the bar taking girls home all the time would probably not see "relationship" skills as a must and just not give a shit. Why? Because he could just go back and find another chick to bang and so on. This is along the exact same lines as my "10s (aka top 10% of really hot girls) don't have personalities" but it shows itself in a somewhat different fashion.

But, Pi, is that how it always is? Do I have to worry about every girl I ever meet putting me in a category and going out to fill the holes?

No, I say, you do not. Here's why. While I say that everyone has had a relationship where their significant other has lacked something that turned out to be a fatal flaw, the only solution is not going outside of the relationship to find other people to fill the gaps. "But how do I avoid this?" you ask. Well, there are steps you take when you meet a girl that perks your ears up that can save you from stepping on a land mine and ending up put in a box.

Unfortunately, I will get to that next post because I'm conscious of how long these have been getting and don't want to bog people down any more than I have been.

Shampookakke

2006-07-09T22:21:00.000-07:00

If you've made it through any of my posts, you deserve a short one with a lil lol at the end. Here we go:

This lovely story starts out with our hero and one of his old girlfriends. Things are going great, they are having a wonderful time, yeeehaw! Then about 2 months into this relationship, the girlfriend decides that things are becomming "too sexual" and decides to take matters into her own hands and just stop all physical interactions AFTER we'd been making out, are lying in bed together and things are just getting interesting. She would never say a word, refused to even admit she did anything differently, and go to bed. By the way... this is the same girl that blew me twice consecutively (as in did not stop for the end of round one) on her knees in the bathroom of her suite before I even knew her name. Something was up.

Understand this, ladies... there are only so many times I will accept waking up startled because I just rolled over on the kick stand. Action needed to be taken.

This went on for seriously... about 3 weeks.

Finally, I woke up one morning super early after we had been out boozing all night with a railroad tie in the front of my shorts. I tried kissing her on her neck and getting things going, but she was HAMMERED the night before and just mumbled something and shrugged me off. That was the last straw.

I get out of bed to use the bathroom, but as guys know, when you are standing at attention, it's near impossible to take a wiz. I figure either I'm going to 1. stand there for a half hour thinking about dead puppies or 2. take care of business myself. So I'm angry, frustrated, backed up, half drunk, and barely awake.

I choose option 2. Not only do I choose number 2, but I decide that some punishment needs to be dealt out. Her shower basket was on the sink and had her brand new, mega sized bottle of shampoo. I'm talking one of those BJ's Wholesale club "even we know this bottle is too big for anyone to buy" bottles is sitting right there. So what do I do? I put about 4 weeks worth of sexual frustration directly into that bottle, shake it up, and put it right back where I found it. I've had shampoo bottles half that size last months. I'm sure she was washing her hair with my kids for the whole semester (if not longer).

I happily take a leak, saunter out of the bathroom, get back into bed, and sleep hapily knowing that I at least had a good story to tell.

Humna Humna Humna

2006-07-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. - Mark Twain

That quote has nothing to do with what I'm going to write about, but I like it, and heard it first from an old coach who printed it up and hung it in our lockers. He was a bit crazy, but that's what it takes.

OK, so I called the pretty girl from eHarmony and had an epic conversation today. What did I learn?

1. I talk when I'm nervous
2. I'm not intellectually challenged enough in my daily life
3. How to get to my job interview
4. I am excited to meet this dame
5. Good looks will trump small red flags

There are things you learn thought your life. The first person to bring up a number loses, be early everywhere because that's the easiest way to make a good impression, tell the truth so you don't have to remember anything, don't shoot it in her face the first time, etc etc etc. One that I learned from a sales job I had a couple years ago was "let them talk." That sounds simple enough, but dead air and useless babble on the other side of the discussion strengthens your position just by the virtue of the information you are picking up while they are too nervous to be quiet. It's almost a test of wills. If you can get someone to babble while you nod or sit there quietly then you can get them to say more than they originally wanted to.

The flip side of that? Don't fucking babble like a fool. This leads into my second lesson of the day. I talk A LOT. I love to be telling stories, making people laugh, challenging people to think, etc. The problem with that is I don't talk to a lot of people. I've been sitting in this apartment for the past 4 months with trips to the store for the essentials, job interviews, the bank to deposit unemployment checks, and the occasional visit to my friend's place (who's now in California). I don't get a lot of chances to talk to people who are interested in what I have to say. That's one of the reasons I have one of these new fangled "web logs." I like to throw some ideas out there, bitch about shit, be a dick, and get some thoughts out when I am pretty much in solitary.

Well, we were on the phone for HOURS. As I've said (and I'm sure you can tell) I'm a talker. I've made my living my whole life either lifting heavy things or talking to people. I feel like I'm a damn good talker... and if I could spell I think I'd be an ok writer too. My problem is that there is so much I'd like to talk to people ABOUT, but I only see my friends once and a while. When I do see them it's not normally philosophy time, it's "dude, I bet I can drink out of 4 beers at once" time. Poor Pretty Girl got an earful. I don't think I was twisting her arm, but in all seriousness, it was above and beyond the call of duty. We transitioned from one topic to the next to the next to the next. I was really enjoying talking to her and she had plenty to say in return, but I fucking dominated that call and I hate when I do that. Part of it is nervousness. I really am afraid if I'm not saying something interesting at a particular moment that I'm being boring. I also lack the ability to forget anything, so I have a shitload of experiences to chuck around.

I guess I shouldn't break down every comunica (pronounced: comun i KAY) to the second, but when you are hoping things are going well and have plenty of experience blowing it, that's what you do.

As I mentioned above, I have a very significant interview coming up on Wednesday. Finally, a job that meets my "experience" but does not make me some monkey jumping around for peanuts. I was a financial consultant, left that job because it's BULLSHIT, and have been offered nothing but financial services jobs that have offered me the privilidge of selling their products without them paying me a dime until I make the company money. In that case they would give me a small portion of the profit and send me back out to keep trying to make them rich while I suffer and get abused on a daily basis. I politely decline those jobs as best I can. The job I'm interviewing for on Wednesday is different. They will actually pay me (and well) if I get the job. I'm going to be on my best behavior and this interview WILL go well. If everything goes to plan, I'll be back to living a normal life and will actually have stories worth posting soon.

Where does this fall in? Well, I S U C K at getting around in the city. I fail at public transportation, I have no idea which way I'm facing once I hit the streets, I never know where I'm going, and I'm ALWAYS late. Well, PG is studying for the series 7, so I mentioned that if she has any questions to make sure she asks because I'm a fucking series 7 NINJA. What do I ask in return? I ask that she gives me directions to the location as if I was a 5 year old walking to school for the first time. I also made the stipulation that if these study sessions require more time than it takes for me to get to my destination that there would be other requirements from my side of the table. She also agreed to that and she knew I wasn't talking about more directions.

I can tell this girl knows what's up. She's no innocent "but I've never done THAT before" kind of chick. It "almost" scares me. The last girl that was talking to me like a dirty whore turned out to be a fat fuck when I met her... and I knew her from way back when she wasn't that bad looking... time is a mother fucker. I'm a true and pure degenerate. I am yet to find a girl that could keep up with me or a request something I wouldn't honor. She wants her assed licked? She knows where to go. Want to be tied up and whipped with a belt? Want to fuck in public? You know where to go ladies. Sexual degenerage on the verge of sociopath at your service. The dirtier the better. Alas, like all super heros, Pi does have one boundry that he will not cross... NO CRIMESCENE SEX. If you need an explanation of that... go elsewhere because even describing it is like kryptonite.

The good part about the way she was talking was that she wasn't dropping sex talk to be impressive or to make herself look better. She was talking about sex like anyone in their late 20s should talk about sex... JUST LIKE ANYTHING ELSE. I can't stand girls who pretend like they are some delicate flower waiting for the perfect opportunity to make love to someone they care deeply for. We're all humans. We all want sex. I'm not saying to throw the pussy around like you're playing fucking silent ball, but come on now. Acting like it's the dude's responsibility to earn it and then keeping sex as a reward for the dude is just silliness. Last time I checked sex pretty much ruled for everyone involved... just just the one with the man spear.

So, I like the way she looks in her pictures, I like her casualness about sex, I like her views on things, and she was able to keep up in some pretty heavy conversations about all sorts of topics. I really pushed her to see how she'd handle under imperfect situations, and she came out allright. I dropped a few porn references, the N bomb twice (quoting a black comedian that I love), made two pedophile jokes, and peppered the conversation with cuss words (she did the same) and she was still giggly happy to be chatting at the end of the conversation.

What didn't sound so good? I didn't like how she referred to ex's. She seems to be a 'my boyfriend' girl. I'm sure you know one. The girls who's boyfriends/fiances/husbands don't have names. They are "My Boyfriend." Used in a sentence: "Me and my boyfriend went out and my boyfriend was such a silly goose." My Boyfriend girls get more annoying the longer you know them. Especially when you are friends with, or are very familiar with their boyfriends. I actually have had a friend of mine start dating a girl who would refer to my friend, at my friend's house, by "my boyfriend" and it makes me want to just grab her by the ears and throw a ferotious headbutt. If I didn't know his name, I wouldn't be sitting on his poarch with a beer in each hand like I owned the fucking place you dope. Moving on.... She's been engaged twice. She also was alarmed by the fact that I like significant alone time. We were talking about things that drove us nuts with past relationships and I said something along the lines of "I hated when I had a rough week or a really hard day and I just wanted to go home and take it easy and she always wanted to go out boozing, dancing, hit the town, etc." She replied with, "OK... WAIT. So how much time do you need? I like to spend a lot of time with the guys I date." I really wasn't prepared to explain that in any more depth, but I did my best to explain that what I meant was that if we had no plans but had talked about going out on a Friday night, it was 10pm, and I was still at work that there was a chance that I'd call her up and let her know it just wasn't going to happen. She seemed "ok" with that, but was still a little spooked. That, combined with the 2 engagements, and her "my boyfriend" stuff said a lot along the lines of "OMG CLINGY BROAD!" The last and probably most disturbing thing she did was exclaim "OOOOH HONEY!" before she would agree with something whole heartidly...... bleh..... I am going to keep an open mind.

Why? Because I think she's pretty, she seems open about the right things, wasn't offended by my off-beat remarks, lives on her own, seems quite level headed for being so cool with such BS remarks, and she's pretty....

Well, I'm still going off a fucking picture. Who knows when they were taken, how she looks now, anything? I swear, when you don't know someone ahead of time I don't know how you could even pick them out of a lineup with a photograph. I give the T1000 a lot of respect for finding John Conner when he was hanging out with Bobby Budnick in Terminator 2. When you KNOW the people in the picture you don't even think about it. You go "oh, that's Dave and that's Jenny and that's Mark... bla bla bla" When you are receiving pictures of girls it's pretty much a crap shoot if you'll even recognize them. I've met girls who had full body pictures from straight ahead in great lighting and still had to think hard when they came up to me to decide if it was the right person. I could be setting myself up for a monumental dissapointment. She seems really cool so far, but not cool enough to make up for a terrible body. I can think of 3 girls I've ever met that could be fat disguisting messes and I'd still worship them for how much fun they are, and she's not one of THEM (yet), so she better be working out. The only problem I can legitimately see is that she just had back surgery and is still out of work. That's one of those surgeries you get that basically packs on the pounds because you really can't do shit. I really hope the sweet picture of her in a bikini floating around a pool on a raft wasn't taken while clinton was in office.

The real topic I wanted to get to here follows the colon:

Pretty girls have no personality because they don't need one. I had this conversation with PG today. The best way I've found to talk to women about things that normally cause them to go batshit crazy is to take out any male/female dynamic and make it more gender neutral. If you cant' do that, just turn it around so it sounds like the woman is getting the better end of the deal but still saying the same thing. Check my previous posts for shit on relationship roles... I think I did that well there. So anyways, she immediately was like "That's not true, I was a cheerleader and a lot of my friends are beautiful and they are some of the smartest people I know." She missed the bullseye and left me plenty of room to work.

The statement was "pretty girls have no personality because they don't need one, not that they are stupid." The best way I can describe it without talking man/woman is like this. You're a real estate salesman. You go to a party and hear that there is a man there that is looking to buy about 10,000 acres of land and price is not an issue. You introduce yourself, and no matter how much of a dick he's being to you, you laugh at his jokes, you act interested in his stupid banter, you compliment him on his suit, you offer to get him a drink from the bar, and when you part ways, you thank him for his time and give him your card. You HATE this person, but you want so badly to get what he has that you will ignore all of his bad traits and make sure you compliment anything you can to get in his good graces.

Now, let's put this back into context. You are a beautiful girl and you are in with the most beautiful and popular girls in the school. Everyone loves you. When is the time when someone makes you feel like shit and you are forced to use your wit to turn things around? When do you get flat out turned down? When are things with people difficult and you have to figure out ways to earn what you want? When do you fail to fit in or make some verbal slip that makes everyone laugh at you or get made fun of for not knowing something or have people pick on you or not like you without giving a reason? When do you have to earn people's affection? NEVER! If you're the girl every boy wants, then all the other hot girls want to have you around. They want to be associated with you to raise their status as a whole. That gives you the power of numbers and high ranking associates. You will get whatever you want because everyone wants to be with you. Boys will laugh at your jokes, tell you that you're interesting, agree with what you have to say, try to make you smile, do nice things for no reason, and go so far as to act like they RESPECT you just for the odd chance that you'll like them enough to give them a chance.

Funny people are funny because that is all they had at some point in their life to defend themselves from being the friendless loser. I like to think I'm funny. I know it's because that was the only thing I had to make people like me back when I was a foot taller and 100lbs heavier than every other kid in my school. It was a side affect of an inferiority complex brought on by social failure with the kids around me. When you listen to a Jim Norton, Bob Kelly, Patrice O'Neil, Colin Quinn, Bill Burr, or any decent comedian there is something in their life that forced them to develop a sense of humor and a personality that would make them more accepted.

If you are a hot chick, every dude wants to get in your pants, and every chick wants to be your friend, you will simply NEVER develop a real personality. You may be nice, polite, well mannered, and kind to people around you, but you're not going to be anything but a hollow person.

It may sound like I just hate hot girls, but I'm talking 10s. I'm talking the chick so hot that you could say "dude, remember back in high school when she was wearing that skirt?" "Hell yeah, bro... best day of my life" hot. Those girls have nothing to offer the world but a sweet set of tits and a set of legs that don't touch at any point and leave that amazing-to-stare-at gap. (prep yourself... post titled "All Hail The Gap" is forming in my brain). Most of those girls just soak up the attention, float through life on a pink cloud and end up with communication degrees and rich husbands.

The amazing thing is most girls wise up. They become jaded and hold their cards close after they've been burned enough times by ass kissing scumbags who will fuck em and leave em. When you approach one of these girls, you will most times find much hesitation and nervousness in their responses. "Hello, I'm Pi." is just what it is. It's an introduction. If I hit it off with someone the natural progression is to go get a cup of coffee at the diner or go someplace else that's quieter. I almost never bring girls home because I have never liked hooking up with girls I knew I didn't want to see again. I've had plenty of opportunities, and have followed through on a few, but it makes me feel like a creep. Because I'm not looking for a one night stand with some drunk girl, I can approach girls that seem interesting and just say hello honestly. Unfortunately, they've heard it all. They are pretty girls. Everyone's tried everything to get those panties off. It sure makes our lives harder. You basically have to prove 1. You're not trying to fuck them tonight. 2. You're not a psycho 3. You're a cool guy. All of that while Tiny Dancer is blaring over the sound system and people are leaning over you to order drinks.

Everyone agrees that if you could go back to being a freshman in high school now with what you know now that you'd be fucking every chick you wanted. "Dude, if I only knew what I know now..." bla bla bla. Funny thing is I agree. You definately would get a ton of ass if you had a 25 year old brain in any 14 year old body. Things were easy back then. Everyone lived in the same fucking town. Everyone was around each other every single day. If you were good at something, everyone knew it. You score 30 points in a basketball game and it was announced with the morning announcements for christ's sake. All it took was a bit of skill and a lot of confidence to get any girl you wanted. What sucks is that the game consistantly gets harder as you grow up. Girls learn all the tricks, guys get jaded, girls want more, guys have more things to consider, etc. My first girlfriend and I would fight over what movie we were going to see and who was coming with us. My last girlfriend and I were fighting over where we wanted to live our lives and if marriage was the right choice. The ante is upped every day of your life. As you get better at dealing with relationship issues they get worse. As you learn things the game moves ahead of you again. Every new experience only serves to keep you ahead for a moment and then you're back where you started.

Because I'm distracted and rambling, I end this BS post with this long and somewhat funny joke I just read:

There was this struggling bar owner who decided that he needed a gimmic to bring more people into his bar. After deep thought he decided to hold a competition to see who was the toughest man in town. He puts up flyers all around the town and on the day of the competition his plan seems to have worked because his bar is full to the brim.

The first contestant is this huge heavily bearded man holding a snapping turtle. He promptly unzips his trousers, and flops out his huge member. He then picks up the turtle and holds it right in front of his monstrous penis. Everybody's eyes pop out in disbelief as the the turtle bites down on the man's penis. He promptly lets go of the turtle and starts swinging his body from side to side, the turtle bouncing off his hips. After a little bit he pokes the turtle in the eyes causing the turtle to let go.

"Ok you bunch of lilly livered pussies" he shouts. "Is there a son of a bitch out there who thinks he's tough enough to do that"?

A timid hand out the back of the pub is raised: "I'll do it, if you promise not to poke me in the eyes!"

Sexual Zero

2006-07-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

"You know why Mike Tyson cries during sex?" I shrugged. "Because mace hurts like a motherfucker." -joke's been told a million times, who cares who said it first

I heard something very interesting mentioned on the radio and it reminded me that nobody here knows who I am, so I can talk about whatever the fuck I want to. Well, here goes.

I think I've been sexually traumatized by my ex. I'm one leather mask with a zipper down the front from starring in 8mm and she was a sexual zero. If there was a way she could do things wrong, she did. But you know what? I loved her, so I ignored the fact that I had enjoyed having any sort of physical contact with her maybe one out of 20 times. If you've ever said you had to use the bathroom after having sex for multiple hours just so you could go jerk off because you knew if you went at it with her all night you'd never get off, then you know what I'm talking about.

Problem #1: Crying

I legitimately had to deal with a girl crying while I'm on top of her going at it. My first though was "Well, I can't blame her, I'd cry if I was her and saw me on top of her too." But then after about... oh... 5 years and she was still crying every time we had sex it must have been something more. Nothing like trying to enjoy yourself and looking down to see the other half of this experience crying like someone just shot her fucking dog. Of course, I could just write it off as a case of "I've got a massive penis" but I really doubt that was it. She would complain of pain if it had been a while between sexual encounters, but she would still cry if we had sex 3 times a day for a month.

There was a moment when I realized the crying wasn't bothering me like it used to. I was really knocking the bottom out of her and she just started balling like a fool. I was like "fuck that, I'm going to just ignore that shit" and just kept hammering her until I blew my clip. I layed down next to her and she was still crying, but unlike most nights where she just wanted me to hold her for an hour or so, she wanted to just curl up and cry. I looked over at the screen saver on her laptop and thought "wow, her friend really DOES have awesome tits." That's when I knew I was officially a creep. I'm laying next to a girl in the fetal position crying and clutching the blankets and I'm reclined with my legs crossed, hands behind my head admiring her friend's mammories.

Problem #2: Flip the mattress

We, as guys, figure that if anyone's going to make a serious mess during sex it's going to be us. I have to say that I do admire my porn star impression when it's bukakke time, but NOTHING compares to the exploding female orgasm.

Like I stated before, I've transcended pervert and am now known as an "artist" with the emphasis on the second sylable for great justice. If a girl wanted to straight up piss on me I'd be cool with giving it a try. 1. You earn mad streed cred with the chick and thus have the ability to get her to try things you want to do. 2. If it doesn't bother you and it gets her off, who cares?

You may be asking yourself, "So what is the problem with an exploding female orgasm?" NOTHING! I thought it was amazingly hot to have a girl just losing it all over the place. "So, Pi, WTF?" I'll tell you. The problem was that she was so grossed out by her own mess that after sex (remember, she would cry for most of sex) she would be laying there crying about how she ruined the bed and now we have to sleep on a soaking wet matress. One time I figured I'd just flip the mattress and stop her from getting emotional about it. I asked her if she could get me a glass of water (she happened to be standing up and milling around) and she said that she'd like a drink to, and went to go get it. I quickly flipped the mattress over and threw the fitted sheet back on (it was just a twin, and I was motivated to get this done quickly). The sheet was still wet, but I figured we'd be saved from the used sponge feel of the bed that night and she wouldn't get all weepy over it. I was wrong... bed soaked right through mattress. It was actually wet straight through that mother fucker. Effort wasted. She came back and actually mentioned that we should flip it, I told her I allready did, and she cried for 2 hours. Oh boy.

On top of that, when she would go off like a fire hose it would totally wipe clean any lubrication. If you think that's not a big deal because she's still "wet" try having sex in a shower or a pool or something. You'll beat her box (and your dick) to death. So she'd get off, I'd be getting really into it, and then the lubrication is gone, so she's now making me stop with the very sexy cries of "HOLY FUCK... STOP. THAT HURTS SO MUCH... S T O P!" After which she'd get up and fish around looking for her bottle of lube, it would take a few minutes, and then we'd have to go back at it with her super sensitive from just getting off and me pretty much rabid because she made me stop, wait, and then start again as slowly and gently as possible when I'm ready to just throw her over the couch and slam her into next week. An hour later you could find me whacking it in her bathroom.

Problem 3: You Keep Making That Face...

Ever see someone dislocate a finger? You know how you fix it on the fly? You pull it so it lines back up and let it go so it pops back into the socket. You know what your face looks like while you're doing it? It's a mixture of anticipation of pain, nervousness, and effort. That was the face she made every time we'd get going/be going at it/different times thoughout the night. I don't know if I'm the only sap that gets off on knowing I'm doing a good job pleasing the chick and has a hard time enjoying sex just for myself, then say what you will, but when you think you are physically punishing someone for an hour it's real hard to be turned on. When she was having a dislocated finger face night it wasn't even worth trying... and then she'd cry because she couldn't please me.

Problem 4: I don't know how

When you go out to dinner to enjoy a meal, what do you order? I know that I will get a beer, some appitizers, the best entre I can find, desert, coffee, maybe some port, more beer, some wine if I'm out with a lady, the whole 9. I want to sit down with the intention of having a full meal for the fun of having a full meal. Money and time have no bearing on what I do when I am out to have an awesome dinner.

If I walked into an awesome restaraunt and they just threw a steak on my plate as fast as they could, I shoveled it down as I could while the waiter sat there with the check in his hand looking at his watch, and then went home I'd be quite dissapointed with my evening. Sure, I got a steak, but did I really enjoy it?

When you know you have the place to yourselves for the night, you're both rarin to go, and you are just chompin at the bit for a night of sweaty spider monkey sex, you want to enjoy everything from the time you walk in the door until the next day when you wake up naked on the floor in the living room in the exact same spot you both passed out.

Here in lies the problem. With my ex, it was basically good christian sex. We would be making out, she'd take off her clothes and expect me to do the same, when she was 'ready' to get down she'd pull me on top of her, we'd go at it, and then go to sleep. I can count on my fingers how many times she ever even TRIED anything else but sex. She'd happily accept oral from me, but if I even hinted that I'd like her to return the favor she'd cry "I'm not good at it... I don't know how." and then if she did do it, she was right... she WAS awful.

As the saying goes, a bad BJ is better than a good day at work, but 5 years of bad BJs... you start losing your mind.

There is something amazingly sexy about a girl enjoying her work. I mean, the same shitty hand job you got from a girl who obviously hated doing it would be fantastic if she was into it and having a good time. Being fun, playful, and into what you're doing is more important than knowing exactly what to do.

Problem 5: no.

Girls, if you don't want to do something, and you are obviously beyond the point where you are questioning if having sex is going to happen, please find a way to avoid the activity without looking someone in the eyes and saying "No." like you're talking to a dog that just jumped on you while you're in your work clothes.

If it was something as simple as changing positions and she'd just go totally out of character, lose any sexual momentum she'd built up, look me in the eyes, and say "No." firmly. WTF? She might as well have just punched me in the man bag and rolled over at that point because nothing was getting done from there on out.

Anyways... moving on:

What I heard on the radio was someone called in and said that his girl cries while they are having sex and the host immediately said "That's 100% that she was touched by some creepy uncle as a kid. When she was touched it felt good because she didn't know what the hell was going on and now she associates feeling good with naughty things that happened a long time ago and feels guilty." I know that guy was just some jerk on the raido and there's probably 1,000 reasons other than being molested that would make you cry. In fact, I did some reseach today to see if that was the predominant reason, and really didn't find much out. Some girls said they teared up just because of the loss of controll associated with that much pleasure, but not many said they openly cried like a fool. The one girl I found that posted that she cries her eyes out said that she WAS molested.

It really makes you wonder, but when you try to talk to her about it and she refuses to even admit it happens 4 years after you've been dealing with it nightly, there will be no answers.

So, what does this all mean? Who cares. I just wanted to vent about how I chose the worst sex partner I've ever had to spend 5 years of my life with.

Jobless + Online Dating + Relationship Roles =

2006-07-05T02:16:00.000-07:00

"If you're going through hell, keep going." Winston Churchill

So here I am again. As you can see from my crystal ballish ability to see the future (in my last post) it took me quite a while to post again, but plenty of stuff has happened in the time I've been wasting away in this fucking apartment wondering when things are going to turn around, so buckle up, kids... it's time.

Part 1: Work?

It's now 3am on the day my best friend flies away to California. I've stopped really feeling anything about that situation and defaulted to pretending it's not true or that it's not that big of a deal. I went over his house to drink a few beers with him and his old man twice this weekend and it just feels like home to be hanging out with him and his family. Nothing like sitting on a poarch with a cooler full of beer and your closest friends on a hot summer day. I swear it was 90+ degrees out at 100% humidity and I was sitting there in the sun, with jeans and work boots on.... but was completely comfortable because I had a beer so cold that every time I picked it up it would poor condensation all over my shirt.

By the time I wake up he'll be on his way to California. I don't know when the next time I'm going to see him is going to be, but he was recently engaged and I'm his best man... good thing there are hookers everywhere. Now I just need to stockpile enough cash to find and hire a dozen tranny hookers, a midget, a kilo of coke, a few pounds of weed and bail money.

I am still unemployed. After I left my bullshit 'job' that I took in Feb I've been going to a few interviews a week, but nothing worth taking has wanted me. I guess being a below average employee who lacks self motivation, is always late, cusses like a pirate, and doesn't give a shit about the job unless it's significantly satisfing work has shown through my shit eating grin and pre planned answers to all relavent questions.

I'm really going to start posting the job offers I get so you people can see how much they suck ass. $15,000 + commission! Average first year earnings of around $20,000! Good luck with that, my apartment almost costs that much and it's a rent controlled piece of shit in a crappy location.

So, what has Pi been doing with his time? Video games. Porno. Job search. That's about it.

I've also decided that if my friends can move all over the country and be happy, so can I. I've opened up the search to all 50 states to see if there is a demand anywhere else for the skills I have. Of course, if what you mean by skills are lifting heavy things and talking about how you used to play professional football.

I stopped hiding for a while and met up with friends for a lil BBQ on Saturday. I hadn't been around and everyone started out by asking me where the fuck I've been, so the conversation went from "holy shit! Pi!" to a depressing monologue performed by your's truely to an audience of people who were allready deep into a long night of boozing. I was the buzzkill. So, I decided it was story time. I just started busting out every funny story I could think of. Just blew myself and everyone else up telling stories I had held close for so long. I had people crying laughing over the stupid shit I've done. I have to say, the story about the chick that I hooked up with that I wasn't sure was born a woman went over really well. (if you didn't read that, scroll down, faggot)

By the end of the night it was just me and a couple other guys sitting out on the poarch (wow, twice in the same post) talking about life and goals and all that shit. Turns out my friend got back together with the girl from the NYE debacle. Who didn't see that coming? I'm happy for them. They really fit each other nicely. He's also persuing his dreams of being a world famous mechanic. Meanwhile, I sit here bitching about bullshit to a following of zero people and have my dream truck sitting in my parent's driveway rotting to pieces. That was MY dream. I have never wanted anything but to be a mechanic, work on trucks, have my own 4 wheel park, and spend my days in jeans, mud, and grease. If I'm not careful I'll be back in a suit with a respectable hair cut and clean cut face... but I'm trying hard to avoid that bullshit.

Another friend of mine is going to school part time and working a million hours a week as a mechanic/gas station attendant/tow truck driver. He works harder than any two people I know and he still finds time to hang out with everyone, have a girlfriend, ride his harley, and live a normal life.

What it comes down to is some people have all the drive in the world, and other people just don't. I had the drive. I had the effort, but it was so focused on one thing... football. Once that part of my life was over, I haven't found anything since that even makes me interested enough to wake up on time in the morning let alone do it well.

I've always got by on people liking me and having the smarts to get out of shitty situations. That doesn't mean anything at all once you're no longer in a classroom situation. You could be the dumbest person out there who works like a machine and you'll be fine, but if you're a really smart person who doesn't like to work... YOU'RE FUCKED!

Part 2: Relationships

So, I think I've mentioned, at least indirectly that I'm a member at eharmony. Well, that site runs like clockwork. What's amazing is how much you learn about people when you meet a whole bunch of individuals from a specific class. By that I mean if you talk to a bunch of people who fit one demographic under the same circumstances you can basically control all the variables and learn about the differences among individuals and the class as a whole very easily. Obviously, the class I’m talking about is women. More specifically, women in their 20s who an online dating service. Maybe it’s just eharmony, maybe it’s not, but I think I have a pretty good picture of who the majority of people are on that site. I hope to be working and to get a membership at other sites just for research purposes now. This has become more of a game than anything else. Sure, I might meet a dame or two, but the hunt, the evaluation of prey, and the kill are all delightful little activities in themselves.

First of all, I sat down and thought about the pros and cons of joining that site way before I dropped a dime. I actually did the personality profile about 6 months before I was single just to see if the “who is your match” section would describe my now ex. Turns out it was like 50/50. I thought it was a pretty good description of myself in most ways, but blatantly wrong in others, so the match side wasn’t as perfect as they say it is, but I figured for a free personality test, what do you expect?

Well, a month or so after she left me I decided, “what the hell, I’ll activate my membership and see what’s out there.” I was working about 60 hours a week at that point and was living out in the middle of nowhere, so I saw eharmony as a means to meet people as efficiently as possible while weeding out the non hackers and setting up specific times to meet chicks instead of just casting a line at a bar and hoping for bites.

WHAT I THOUGHT I WOULD FIND:
I thought the women on eharmony would be like me. They would be post grads that are adjusting to the reality that there isn’t going to be a pool of people your age 5,000 strong hanging out 24 hours a day within walking distance of you anymore. These would be girls who are working long hours, were unhappy with who they were meeting at bars, computer savvy or at least tech inclined women who wanted to try something new, nice looking broads that were tired of being lied to because of their looks who wanted to find someone for a deeper relationship, etc.

WHAT I FOUND:
90% of ehamony girls have a seriously fatal flaw. They are simply un-dateable. I think 90% is even a kind number because the ones I saw as “dateable” and “good chicks” ended up having something so wrong in their past or some character trait that was so far beyond what I was ready to handle that we parted ways. They range from morbidly obese, uncomfortably short/tall, really ugly, much older than they want to admit, have some whacky belief that pushes people away, lack any kind of confidence or positive self image, or are flat out liars.

If I had to pick the worst part about eharmony, it would be the pictures. Here’s why:

You can select when you want to show your picture to your matches and there are something like 5 stages to communication. Most people put their pictures up right away, but the default setting is after stage 3 (review match, multiple choice, must haves/can’t stands, open ended questions, open communication… yeah, after step 3). This causes a few problems. First of all, a lot of chicks that don’t have a picture use the same excuse, “I don’t have a picture on this computer. I don’t know how to upload a picture. The site isn’t accepting my picture.” Something along those lines. Of course, when you read a profile that seems pretty cool but it doesn’t have a picture attached, what do you immediately think? Well, I think, “She must be confident enough that she’s attractive to not feel the need to post a picture.” What does it normally mean? “SHE’S A MESS.”

When the picture is hidden “until a later stage” I always think “well, maybe she didn’t know she could change the default settings.” Then we get to stage 3 and still no picture. Maybe stage 4? Nope. Now we’re sending in-system emails back and forth and her picture is still locked. At this point there is no reason to hide what you look like besides the FACT that you are a disgusting fat fuck who has no business talking to anyone before they see what you look like or you get your fat ass on a tread mill for a month and a half to drop some of that blubber.

By the point where she finally shows you her true self it’s a picture of some orca in a hooded sweatshirt with a timestamp from back in the 90s in the lower corner. Now I’ve just spent a week communicating back and forth, answered your stupid questions and emailed back and forth with you only to realize that my penis would commit suicide if I ever saw you in real life knowing your intentions were to eventually become intimate with me.

I close the match immediately and now I’m the bad guy. Thanks for the mammaries you stupid whore. I shouldn’t have to feel like a dick just because I’m looking for someone that will make me happy. I don’t expect fucking 10s to be banging down my door, but I also refuse to give up a sex life for the rest of my life because I can’t stomach seeing my girlfriend naked. Am I not merciful? AM I NOT MERCIFUL???

So, here I go again… another girl with her pictures locked through stage 4. This time I’m really not wasting my time with any sort of thought invested in my answers. Actually, I’m not answering at all. Fuck it, I’ll wait until she unlocks her fucking picture before I respond to her “open ended questions.”

Then the most amazing thing happens… she unlocks her pictures and there she is in a bikini with a really nice body and a pretty face. I won’t say she’s a 10, but she’s definitely a solid 8. I am very particular with my ratings, so understand an 8 is a victory of great proportions. But now I’m faced with 2 problems. 1. I just basically skipped talking to her for a week with BS answers and no thought put into what I’m saying. 2. Now I know that I want to meet her because she seems cool AND she’s really good looking.

Sure, being very brief up to the open ended questions isn’t very thoughtful, but it’s not awful by any means…. But why is wanting to meet her bad? I’ll tell you, and it’s very obvious to someone who’s flopped with several girls throughout his life… I put in way too much effort now. I immediately replied to her open ended questions, put in a good amount of thought, spell checked, made sure it sounded good, and sent it. She replied soon after and I was pumped. She even sounded pretty damn cool in her replies to my questions. I was really shocked. So, in a moment of weakness, I sent the first email, made sure I complimented her, and gave her my email/AIM name. STUPID! What reminded me of how stupid I was being? I was listening to Opie and Anthony on XM satellite radio and they replayed the show where Patrice O’Neill was giving relationship advice. He was talking about what I also KNOW is true and have KNOWN forever, but keep forgetting when it counts: DON’T JUMP THOUGH HOOPS, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU CAN’T DO BETTER, DON’T ACT LIKE YOU ARE EXCITED TO SEE HER. Well, not in those words, but I’ve said it before, don’t be nicer than they expect, don’t care more than they expect, don’t treat them any differently just because you like them.

Like my high school football coach used to say, “When you score a TD, give the ball to the ref, run back to the huddle, and act like you’ve been there before.”

If you fucking go crazy for a chick right off the bat then she’s in control. It’s not a healthy place to be. You really want to be on equal footing all the time. You are the hunter, guys, don’t ever forget that, but you also have to make sure you are hunting just enough so she knows you are interested and ignoring her enough to make her realize that if she’s happy and wants to stay in this relationship that she’s got to do her part to KEEP you interested. She’s got to make you WANT to hunt her. If you make it easy, then she will lose her role in the equation and thus, her interest in you.

It’s not like it’s hard to understand. It’s natural for men to hunt women and for women to want to make themselves attractive prey. If you want to make it slightly more PC than hunter/prey you could say it a different way. Women like to feel wanted, so it’s the man’s role to let her know how badly he wants her. That is only half of the deal though. You can’t play catch if only one person is throwing the ball. Not only does a woman need to feel wanted, but she has the responsibility to make sure that she is still an exciting woman to want. When the woman is doing her part and keeping things interesting and the man is showing his appreciation for her effort by being magnetically drawn to her, then you have one fucking HELL of a relationship and should NEVER let it go. Unfortunately, more often than not it’s the woman upset that the man has lost interest and not understanding why or the man chasing the woman no matter what she does and her not having anything to do to help the relationship but just keep moving along as if nothing was happening. That’s what breeds nagging, fighting, and bullshit. If the dame’s sole responsibility is to keep you interested and she isn’t doing that, then she will find some way to “improve” the relationship, and by that, I mean you… and you will fail.

That shit sounds harsh and wide sweeping, but if you think about it, it makes sense. It’s not just a sexual thing by any means either. It could be that she buys you tickets to see a band that she hates or plays a game you enjoy playing or makes you a nice dinner or doesn’t mind when you go out with your friends or any of a myriad of things that she could do to make herself more attractive to you. It wouldn’t hurt to throw in a serious blow job once and a while, maybe try a little anal or something… hehe.

I don’t know how many times I have to say that, but as long as I keep making the mistake myself, I see it as a good idea to keep mentioning it, even for my own benefit.

So, I’ve made my first mistake with her. I’m coming off as eager to meet her and happy with what I’ve seen/read. Now I need to just back off and forget about the fact that a really good looking chick is starting to dig me. I need to get the next email and just ignore it for a day or two. I need to not be available. I need to make sure she knows that she’s one of a heap of vaginas I am sticking my dick in and if she doesn’t give me a good reason to stop, that trend will continue long after she cries to her friends that I’m the biggest asshole she’s ever met.

It’s now 5am… I have no reason to sleep, no reason to wake up, but you know what? I’m fucking tired.

Goodbye.
<3.14

PS. Blogger can lick my balls. I just spent 40 minutes fucking with html code because blogger refuses to properly show the spacing between paragraphs tonight. I won't post this as one long ass paragraph and I am not going to NOT post it after I spent the past few hours typing it up. Fuck you, Blogger... get your shit together.

The Other Shoe Keeps Falling

2006-05-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Dogie' until you can find a rock."
-Will Rogers

I have been letting way too much time go between posts here. I will probably try to be back more often, but let's be honest... I probably won't. I let a whole bunch of shit happen and then come here to tell it all as I'd like to say it to people's faces.

I had a couple interesting moments this past month. A girl taller than I am (I'm 6'5") found someone else and lost interest in me, I hooked up with a girl I believe was born a man, and the best friend I've ever had is moving across the country.

On top of THAT I started and stopped a new 'career' and have changed my life's focus.

Maybe I should slow down...

So, I was right in fearing things weren't going well even though they outwardly seemed pretty good. The girl who's house I stayed at for the party let me know she's seeing someone else.... AND THEN TRIED TO CARRY ON A CONVERSATION. It went like this:

Her: Hey, what's up?
3.14: Hey, nothing much... how was your day?
Her: Pretty good actually

[note: days before she let me know that she had several terminally ill family members at once and was very worried, but the day before she had the away message "life is good" followed by a smiley face]

3.14: I saw your away message and I guess people are feeling better? Sure sounded like you were happy
Her: Yeah, I've been seeing someone else and it's going really great! (:
3.14: O Rly
Her: Yeah, I'm very happy. So, how was your day?
3.14: Later.
Her: ): bye

WTF did she expect? "OMG I'M SOOOOO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! How big's his cock?" I really REALLY have no use for any chick once she has tested the waters as 'more than a friend' and it falls through. I've become somewhat of a 'hater' when it comes to chicks. I just don't have the patience or the need for a flock of girls around that I won't be having sex with any time soon. There have been 3 girls I've EVER MET that have been entertaining to have around. I'm talking so-much-fun-that-if you're-hanging-out-with-the-guys-you-are-dissapointed-she's-not-there-because-you'd-love-to-hear-what-she-thinks-about-'that' fun. I know a TON of girls and I have only really seen 3 contribute to group situations.

Sure, ladies, guys laugh when you try to be funny because they would like to have sexual intercourse with you... not because you're funny.

I think my evil side started showing when I stopped laughing at hot girls' jokes. That was the first step towards complete honesty... which has ruined me.

NEXT:

So, I met up with another chick who lived right over the border in the next state. She wasn't bad looking and she was kinda fun to have around. I'll settle for someone who can appreciate my sense of humor seeing as not many girls fit the bill as genuinely fun. She was tall for a chick at like 5'9"... 5'10" ish and was carrying the max weight to still be considered "thin," but had small breasts and not much of an ass. Not very curvy for the baby fat she was carrying. Whatever. She seemed nice and was digging me, so I agreed to see her again. I figured that sex with a 5 was better than whacking it to 10s on the internets anyway.

We meet up at my place and walk to a little bar/restaurant that's in the center of town. I figure if we have a few beers that I'd have a better understanding of what she's all about and hopefully the slight buzz would smooth her rough edges enough for me to be excited about bringing her back to my place. Well, we had a few drinks, I was actually starting to kinda dig her, so I figured it was a good time to go back to my place and 'watch a movie.' Well, we WATCHED the movie and then are sitting there talking and she gets up and stretches. I take this as my chance to move forward. I also get up and put my hands on her hips and look her in the eyes (wow, this sounds hawt... just wait)... she latches onto me with her fucking jaws of life for hands and damn near throws me on the floor. I'd never... EVER in my life met a girl who was anywhere near as strong as me. I've dealt with college athletes and even those chicks were childs play in the strength department. THIS girl pulled me in to kiss and almost suplexed me in the process. I was startled beyond belief. I can name the handful of guys I know who are stronger than I am and let's just say if this girl and I were to brawl... it would be a barn burner.

My thoughts went from "hey, let's see if she's down to get dirty... that could bring her up from a 5 to at least a 7... 7.5" to "HOLY FUCK SHE'S STRONG" in just about half a second. Then the bombshell.... I could not be certain... and there was nothing visual.... and I know that some women have problems with this... but I know.... for SURE... that I felt stubble on her chin. Now, I was raised around women who would constantly be waxing/plucking/etc facial hair around their eyebrows, upper lip, etc... so I'm sure it's not all that rare to be done, but on your first 'real' date with someone? At no point did I think she was hiding a cock. It was pretty obvious by her tight fitting pants that she wasn't hiding anything.... but I started to think she wasn't born a woman... her breasts were too small for her build... her ass was real flat for a girl her size.... she had no real curves to speak of...

So, now I'm freaking out thinking I'm making out with some post op transexual freak trying to figure out what to do. Then, rational pi came out and I started thinking. "Could any 23 year old have pulled off this opperation at this age?" "Could 'it' have afforded it?" "grab some tit!"

I put my hands up under her shirt and she definatly had real breasts. That was encouraging. If there was any hint of fakeness I would have just cold cocked it and thrown it out.

We're still making out... how long is this going to last? OK, check other male characteristics.... does she have that bump on the back of her head? let me see... nope! Good. 2 strikes against being born a man... wait? What am I doing... there's one pretty sure fire way to find this out...

I take my hands and put them back on her hips and take my thumbs and put them inside the belt of her jeans. At that moment she breaks off the kiss, gives me a "uh uh uhhhhh and a shake of her head no."

Now my head is spinning again. "that was REALLY quick... you'd think at 23 she'd have an open mind to me at least touching her below the belly button... unless... OH NOS! Maybe she IS hiding junk but I can't tell!" I figured enough was enough and broke the kiss off, gave her a hug and said our goodbyes....

The next day I sat down and really thought about it for about an hour. There was no way in hell she was anything but a very plain girl. No doubt at all about that one. I was sifting through emails we had exchanged and she had mentioned the all girls school she went to in high school, friends she still keeps in touch with from there, etc (enough information that she didn't just make that shit up). I really doubt that she'd get in as a dude or that her family would have paid the cash to have a fag son turned into a girl that early. She had a very feminine face, she wasn't built very broad like a dude, her hips made her knees go in a little as opposed to straight legged dudeness. I picked up way too much information that said "You're an idiot, this is a girl" to say anything but.

As I was thinking I had another breakgthrough:

"If there was 1 second that you questioned weather or not she was born a woman is there any question about what has to be done?"

No. There was no question. NEVER talk to her again.

That story is really funny in retrospect...

FINAL:

The last real important thing that's happened is the best friend I've ever had is moving across the country. He's the only person I've kept in touch with on a regular basis. He's like a brother to me. We've done everything together for the past 6 years and I'm going to miss him terribly.

We've always had plans of going into business together. Opening a 4wheel park. Building trucks together. Tearing up the woods, playing video games, job hunting, bar hopping, drag racing, everything. Him and I share a brain and it's just about a guarantee if I have some crazy idea that he'll be right there to back me up. He knows I'd do the same for him. If that's taking a right off the highway to check out what looks to be 'a trail' or loading a full pallet of stone into my truck to see how it rides, or spending a full day in a junk yard pulling parts, or sitting around drinking Mt.Dew and killing fools on xbox live on the two TVs I have set up in my living room... whatever... he's always been there. It's going to be hard to adjust.

How the FUCK do you say that man to man without sounding like a faggot? If I tell him congratulations and pretend to be excited for him I'm lieing. If I tell him that I am not happy he's leaving then I'm being a bad friend. If I tell him how much our friendship has meant to me then I'm going to sound queer. If I don't, will he know? Of course he will, there's no reason to say it, but I don't know...

What makes this stranger is that I have been unemployed and sitting around my apartment cutting out all costs that can be cut to the point where I don't leave unless it's for food, depositing unemployment checks, or job interviews for the past 2 months. I haven't had the means to be a friend to anyone. I finally accepted the fact that a college degree means NOTHING and started apping to places like bars and trucking companies that are looking for drivers. I was going to join the military, but I still have too much going on to just leave. I have pets, bills, stuff... just a lot of things I wouldn't want to leave behind for a few years while I serve. I know that's a bullshit excuse because I could dump my pets on family and sell/store my shit, but I am seriously holding out at least the next 5 months before I make that choice. 5 months from now, if I'm still jobless, unhappy, and alone I'll also be a member of the US Armed forces. I'll at least join the reserves...

This total lack of expendible funds has made me a really shitty friend. In the middle of this, my best friend moved about an hour away to be closer to work. Not a big deal, but I've been without gas money the whole time. The only time I've even seen his place was when I helped him move in. I don't know if he even realizes that I'd have visited all the fucking time if I had the money to fill the tank and drive down there.

Losing a friend is worse than losing a girlfriend. Girlfriends come and go, but your friends are forever.

The career I started and stopped in a month went like this:

No cold calling. We'll pay you through a draw until you can get your client base built up (we understand it takes time).

It went like this:

Get on the phones. If you don't make these numbers then you're not getting paid.

So I got on the phones. I set up plenty of appointments to get the job done, but the first month I didn't make my numbers by 1 'fact finder' (booklet of personal questions to ask prospects) and was paid zero dollars. I didn't see that coming at all, so I had bills to pay and no money coming in. I was expecting that check so much that I didn't leave enough money in my bank account for a train pass and mine ran out. I told my boss:

"If you don't loan me that money then I can't come back to this office. You understand that, right?"

"You were short one fact finder, so you're not getting paid"

"That wasn't the question. Do you understand that by not paying me that you are in affect forcing me to look for another career?"

"Sure, however you want to word it you still didn't get 16... you got 15."

"See ya when I see ya, pal."

Two weeks later I get a call from my old boss, "Hey, Pi, we need to talk. This isn't going to work out." "Uhm... I quit two weeks ago"

I hate people.

Exposure

2006-04-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

I have decided to try something new. Seeing as it's over a year since my girlfriend and I split up and I still get a sickening feeling looking into the night sky to this day that I was going to find a way to reclaim the stars for myself.

Growing up I always had a facination with stars. My dad used to point out constellations and big name stars and tell stories and make it really special. Then, when I was away from my old girlfriend for long periods of time I'd catch a glimpse of the stars on a clear summer night and just sit outside and know we're not so far apart after all. Corny as it may sound, it really did give me a sense of calm and security to know that no matter how far apart we were, we were both looking up at the same night sky.

waa waa whaaaaa

Anyways, I've decided that since I still dread clear nights I would do something for myself and set my desktop as a picture of the stars. It's like when people revisit the scene of a crime to get it out so they can move on. I've decided that every day as I log in or out of my computer I'm going to be face to face with one of the last things that makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, and did I mention that every time an old friend gets in touch with me they ask how she is? I can't tell you how much fun that is. I don't think I'll ever be 100% over her (I don't think anyone should ever be 100% over their exes if they really did care about them at the time), but I'm pretty damn close... then someone goes "hey, when you're stopping by your girlfriend's place... wait, is she still in XXXXXX?" "I wouldn't know" [INSERT FAVORITE UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE SOUND EFFECT HERE] I'm over it, it's just so uncomfortable to make other people so uncomfortable.

Whatever... just wanted to stop in and say hello... big changes in my life, will be back soon.

3.14

Baggage

2006-03-19T22:41:00.000-08:00

"There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad." -Salvador Dali

I feel like starting a post with a random quote off of a google RSS feed grants me some credability... seeing as I can't fucking spell, I'll take what I can get.

Baggage...

Before I go anywhere with trying to describe baggage, I need to get you up to speed on the conceptual grid. The grid goes as follows:

INFORMATION ::::::GRID::::: YOUR BRAIN

All information that wants to make it to your brain has to go through your conceptual grid. The grid is everything that we know that we use to filter information. A great example of a blocked grid is when I was in college I had an accounting prof that was awesome. She was energetic and really loved accounting. Yeah, I know... who LOVES accounting? She does. She was so happy to be in the classroom and tried to make every class entertaining and worth while. The problem was she would take LOUD gasping breaths inbetween every 3rd or 4th word. Once I realized she was doing it, I couldn't focus on anything but that annoying gulp of air every few seconds. I learned nothing. My grid was blocked with unimportant bullshit...

OK, now that you understand what the conceptual grid is (sorry to everyone who makes a living studying the intricacies of such a theory... you're a fucking loser. I just did it in one paragraph) you can understand what baggage is. Baggage is junk that gets all jammed up in the grid and stops you from seeing things for what they are. If a big dog bit you as a kid you'd have a hard time being comfortable around other big dogs because you'd have that block in there that says "big dogs bite." Baggage is when some douche bag guy does something to break a good girl's heart and now she can't see you for what you are. It's that nagging ex you have that makes a red flag fly every time a girl asks you to do something. It's a major reason why dating is so hard.

The key here is that you should clear your grid of all the stuff that doesn't matter. If you touch a red element on a stove and burn yourself, you learn that red steel = hot steel = don't touch... that stays. But, things like Soandso cheated on me = all guys will cheat needs to be cleared off the grid. But where do you draw the line? If you wiped the grid clean after every experience you'd learn nothing. If you let everything block it up so you couldn't see anything for what it is, then you stop progressing. There's got to be a ballance. You need to let the experiences you've had color the way you make decisions but not dictate your life.

Here's why I'm giving you this blabbering philosophy lesson... I met a girl a few weeks ago that I really think has potential. She's pretty, funny, smart, athletic, all the things I look for in a girl. I went an hour of my way to see her twice in 4 days because I really got a huge kick out of her. Then the baggage rears its ugly head. She throws a party, I crash at her place on the couch, and the next day we get breakfast. At breakfast she mentions that she moves slooooooow because someone hurt her badly and she doesn't like to become attached to anyone. In fact, she has a hard time even thinking about anyone as a potential boyfriend because she doesnt' like to define things. So, your hero asks, "What happened?" She'd rather not say. "When?" Recently. It was her ex, and he's still kinda in the picture... as of ONE week before I met her... but she's been single a long time. I don't get it. What could he have done that she still hangs around with him? What the fuck? We get along great, I can tell she's digging me, I dig her, but there's this flak in the grid that's stopping her from going anywhere from here. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks now. She's been busy on the weekends and I've been working a ton during the week.

What bothers me the most about this baggage is that it's blocking her trust. It won't let her trust me enough to even tell me what happened. Maybe it's embarrassing or maybe it makes her look bad and she doesn't want that, or whatever... but it still sucks to be standing outside wondering what's going on in her head. Due to how far away she lives it's a bit of a hastle to see her, but I'm all for it as long as things are going well. Problem... how do I know? She obviously is keeping things from me allready, how do I know if things are good or not? I'm very honest about a lot of stupid shit. I played EverQuest for 14 hours on saturday because there was double experience in honor of EQ's 7th aniversary. I'm not proud of it, but if someone asks, "Hey, Pi, what did you do on saturday?" "I spent 14 hours grinding out AAs in EQ. I got 45AAs, finished my Defensive AAs and got myself Weapon Affinity 3, Innate Poision resist 1, and one offensive AA." "huh?" "STFU NOOB" Sure, I ended up whacking my bag to videos I downloaded off of bittorrent, but I had a great fucking time playing a video game on a rare occasion where I could get a lot done. I talk about my perversions when asked. I talk about my exes and the stupid decisions I've made and my weaknesses, and embarassing stories, etc. It makes me a full person. If I just threw out all the cool stuff and all the things that made me look good you'd be looking at an outline of man, not the whole picture. I expect to at least be let in on things that might have an impact on my life. I know the impact on the dating life of people you date isn't high up on the priorities, but if I'm going to focus on one girl that I really think has potential, I want to know it's not throwing coins into the sea (I'll explain that one day).

The last girl I really liked had baggage as well. Hers was that she thought she wasn't pretty enough to be wanted. She was beautiful to me, but she still saw herself as fat even though she runs fucking marathons. She went though a period of eating disorders and bullshit when she was young and now she's great looking but doesn't believe any guy would chase her. When I chased her she pushed me away. She also had some other baggage that came in a differnt package. She was attacked by a "guy friend" one night right after we met and that did nothing but ruin her. Her grid was full, and there was nothing I could say or do that would change that. Thus, we're "friends"

My ex's baggage was her father. He left the family on a whim later in life and she was so scared that would happen to her that she couldn't get emotionally attached to anyone. Grid blocked.

So am I walking straight into another bad situation? I haven't decided yet. She seems real good, but only time will tell. Plus, I'm not making the same mistake I made with Friends Girl. FG was the only girl I was dealing with at the time and I let a bunch of others fall off the map. This time I'm working on a few potential matches and which ever one best fits will stay. Always be ready for anything, and have one in the chamber.

My grid? Well, nobody's perfect, not even Pi. I have some things that throw flags for me. Mostly it's relationship experience and self image. Those two things tell me a lot about what I'm getting into, but seriously, I think I do a damn good job stepping into new situations with an open mind. I know when a girl wants to chat on the phone every single night for hours on end it makes me want to run through a wall and if a girl starts comparing herself to food I want to eject... and if a girl is so inexperienced in relationships that it's months in and we've barely held hands... etc etc etc... BUT, I can say that the one thing I've always held dear to me is that I believe 100% that if you find the right person, all the other shit fades away. It's just not important. My whole goal in dating is to find the right person. Someone that I enjoy spending time with who turns me on and makes everything more fun than it could ever be alone. If there is some issue or some shit going on that makes it hard, it doesn't matter, as long as she's the right person. That's never changed no matter how many times I've had shit thrown at my grid.

Fear and Loving

2006-02-26T22:10:00.000-08:00

All I have to say is WTF. I am at this point in my life where I should have some idea when and how to innitiate any sort of physical contact with a girl, but I have no clue. I seriously have blown a few opportunities to make a move only because I have this fear in the back of my head that all the good vibes I'm getting, all the body language, all the effort is one sided no matter how blatent they seem. I fear that I'm making it all up in my head because that's what I want to see.

What I'm really afraid of is the try and fail. Why? Well, the feeling is very similar to one that I had as a kid. I'll never forget, for the rest of my life being 14 and sitting in the cafe when a pretty girl that I had a little of a crush on waved to me. I smiled and waved back. As I was waving the guy behind me (who was much more popular/better looking/confident/etc) started laughing at me for thinking she was waving to me. I was allready embarrassed and at that point we really didnt' know who she was waving at. So, he sends a friend of his to go get her and bring her over to our table where they ask her, in front of me, who she was waving to. It wasn't me. I got laughed at, in my face, by the dudes I was sitting with, and the chick I had a crush on.

It's THAT feeling. The "I thought I saw that this is what you wanted but I guess I'm wrong" feeling that I'm afraid of. There are times when I look back on the 5 year sentence I was serving with my ex and remember the good times, but when I realize that I'm in my mid twenties and still have these stupid fucking problems it makes me sick. Those 5 years could have been better spent learning the ins and outs of life, but instead they were spent with one chick.

Here is the latest situation and how I handled it. Last week I had a date with a girl I met through a dating site. Her and I met at a restaurant and had a great time. When it was time to leave we both lingered outside. She had parked on one side of the place, I parked on the other. We were standing there talking and I just COULD NOT make any move to kiss her. That was the only thing that was on my mind. "Kiss her goodnight, you fucking idiot! DO IT!" was all I heard in my head yet I stood there and rambled on in some bullshit conversation. Then I gave her a HUG and left. WTFWTFWTF????? As a grown ass man, giving a girl a kiss should just be a fucking afterthought that really doesn't take much effort. Why do I agonize? Why do I fear that I've misread the situation? Why is the awkwardness of something like that such a big deal to me?

That night we set plans to hang out again that weekend. She was having a few friends over and asked me to come along as well. I happily obliged. Her friends were awesome. I am not used to enjoying the company of a girl's friends. I've just never had that. Either I was dating someone in my circle of friends, so every friend was mutual, or I've hated them with every ounce of my being. Anyways, the night goes on. Someone decides it's time to play asshole. I knew this was bad news. I hate to pat myself on the back, but I'm a fucking amazing asshole player. I'm always president or vice president. I can't even remember the last time I was the asshole. 99.314% of the fun of playing asshole is the authority of the president. When I used to play in school it was always so much fun to make up rules, make people drink for saying/doing stupid shit, getting the girls hammered for no reason, etc. So, I was allready feeling the affects of the blessed beer and I was president in 2 hands. I default to my regular style of playing asshole and just make random people drink from time to time. I was there for a reason, and to be with one person, so it was no use getting all the chicks drunk. On top of that, 2 girls were drinking pop instead of beer, so they were sober the whole game. About 10 rounds later and I'm still president. In fact, I've gone out in under 3 rounds for the past few hands. Now I'm feeling great [read: drunk] and I'm just telling people to drink every few seconds just to fuck with them. I start getting comments like, "wow, you cocky fucker." But??? it's asshole. That's how you play the game. I guess that's not how it's played in their neck of the woods. I always thought the mean side of people in power was what made it so funny. When you start seeing people bullying around someone or there's revenge going on, etc. I guess some people play it kindly, but what fun is that?

Anyways, we all get drunk and we're hanging out. Now there are two problems going on here. First of all, she lives with her folks... who are upstairs. She has the whole basement which is done up into one hell of an apartment, but no bathroom and no exterior door. I haven't been in a situation where I'm meeting a gal and her parents are hovering around in YEARS. Of course I have only been on the market now for a year, but I've been meeting a ton of girls through all different channels. Most of them have been garbage, so the ratio of girls I've met to relationships I've wanted to start is in the area of 100:3. I really don't like dealing with parents. I REALLY DON'T LIKE DEALING WITH PARENTS. Get it? "But she has her own apartment in the house. What difference does it make?" Well, I'll tell you. Let's say my female neighbor across the hall is just getting RAILED right up against the door. Let's also say that both railer and railee are both very vocal. I'm sitting in my living room reading through the Bible and writting out my checks to local charities and I hear this. What do I say? "lol sex." That's exactly what I'd say. Now, lets think about the other scenario. Your daughter is in the next room and you know that she's in there with a boy. Next thing you know you're hearing springs sqeeking over and over and over again. What are the odds you're not going to flip the fuck out and write it off as a pillow fight? Even if you restrain yourself from saying/doing anything, you're going to drive yourself wild. I am the oldest of 4 siblings. One brother, 2 sisters. If my brother was having dirty sex with a chick in the same bed I was sleeping in it wouldn't bother me, but God help anyone who touches either of my little sisters. They are both adults, I'm sure they both aren't virgins, but if I see/hear it... I can only imagine if it was daddy's little girl. So, I have that running through my head. What if things go better than expected and we end up knocking boots in her basement apartment only to have her mom and dad upstairs listening in?

Now, I have to kind of give a disclaimer here. When I was dating my ex, I could of cared less if her parents or mine were in the same house. Why? They had to know we were sexually active (fucking for you idiots out there) and if we were spending a week on vacation with one of our families... well... connect the dots. But, in a situation where it's a new relationship, I don't know the folks well, etc then I just don't feel comfortable with it.

OK, so we covered reason 1 why I wasn't in a good situation, reason 2 was that she had invited a group of her friends who were getting tuned up good. Wait! Two chicks were drinking pop instead! Maybe they are the DDs! Nope, they left together about an hour after we stopped playing asshole. Now what? Well, a bunch of them were going to crash at her place too. So there was just about zero chance of me being alone with the girl who invited me down. Even if we didn't do anything serious, I would have enjoyed some kissing, maybe some company while sleeping, you know how it is.

What actually did happen? While drunk and sitting on the couch she tells me to get up (in my head I'm thinking she's going to invite me to her "room"), grabs a blanket, makes a place for me to sleep, and takes my glasses. I was like, "uh, wtf?" I was hammered, she was hammered, and she was barking orders. I complied as a half joke. So there I am, tucked in laying on the couch mere feet from where she was going to sleep. She walks around turning off lights seeing as everyone was passed out or going in that direction. The room is near pitch black. Then she comes over and kisses me. I didn't even see her coming and before I could really kiss back she was gone. I sit up and can't figure out what to do, so I just go back to sleep. Pussy.

We went out and got breakfast together and my conversational lobe of my brain was still soaked with stale beer, so when I tried to say anything I just babbled. I felt like such a tool because everything was coming out of my mouth sideways and backwards. Then we get back and she had plans to do some stuff with her friends that afternoon, so she dropped me back off at my truck. I thanked her for inviting me down and she enthusiastically thanked me for coming down. We talked for a bit, and here I am again... brain yelling "KISS HER, STUPID" and fears popping up like adds on a free porn site. I finally decided to DO something and leaned in and gave her a kiss. Again, it was quick and not really a big deal, but it was nice.

I'm so cautious about knowing the right time to make a move that I'm going to come off as a pussy or a fag. I don't know how to change this. I'm always having my opinion solicited by my friends and family who are having relationship issues. I was always the goto guy when it came to girls, but when it comes to myself... I've got nothing. If I had the time/energy to recap the few times I've blown picture perfect opportunities this year I'd spell them out for you all to laugh at. Meanwhile, I could side by side the conversations I've had with other people that detail the same situations and what my advice was. I'm like the fucking muse. I have all the inspiration in the world for everyone else, but none for myself.

I talked to this girl again today and it went well. I have been experiencing a few let downs on the after date call, but this one went to plan. If I get her to go out again this weekend then I'll feel much better about how everything's going, but I really don't know. I can't feel comfortable. I know that's my biggest weakness, but I simply can't. Unless she says, in clear, plain, English that she would like to see me again and also aludes to some bigger situation where she's happy with me then I'll never know.

Of course there's allways that "so many fish in the sea" argument, but I'm tired of getting jellyfish stuck in the nets. When I get a good vibe from a girl I enjoy then I want it to actually go through. Even if it's only a little bit. I just want that connection. I need it at this point because I'm doubting myself. Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

3.14 OUT

The Stupid Things I Do

2006-01-09T21:02:00.000-08:00

"INSANITY - doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Einstein

OK, here's a good one for you. I was left by my ex a little under a year ago. I really didn't take it well and here I am almost a year later and I still miss her. Part of that has been the lack of any significant relationships in the past year. Girls come and they go, but I'm yet to feel any connection with anyone since she left me.

Anytime her name is brought up it still makes me feel weird. She talks with my best friend's girlfriend now even though she never did when we were together. She talks about wanting to talk to me again. I don't want to talk to her. It only makes things harder.

You know what else does? Checking her away message every fucking night.

I'm a pretty smart guy as far as sequences of non repeating decimals go, but I can't stop myself from checking to see what she's up to. She has no problem letting the world know either.

I was naming our future children and worshiping her while she was looking for an out, so now when I hear her talking about the sexual stamina of dudes out there it makes me want to throw up. Today was the first time she's put something like THAT up, and I finally blocked her screen name.

I'm so stupid about this shit. I know that finding a significant person in my life would change a lot of this seeing as the last time I gave a shit about a girl I couldn't even remember my ex's name, but the ones that are worth a shit are so far and few between.

Oh, and they IM you on random nights when you're away from the computer with nice messages even though you've not even TRIED to get in touch with them for weeks. The "friends" girl (FG) IMed me again last night. I was too busy rocking out to some xbox live with other twenty and thirty somethings who have nothing else better to do on a Sunday night and missed it. I don't want to be her friend, and here I am again being stupid, I feel like her trying to get back in touch with me is a sign that she might still be interested. I know for a fact I don't get back in touch with any girl I've closed the door on unless I want to give it another try. Especially twice. But whatever, this is another example of 3.14 being stupid.

She said she wants to just be friends. Friends talk on AIM. She is talking to me on AIM. Totally within the bounds of friendship... and I DON'T WANT TO BE HER FUCKING FRIEND!

Picture this, I hang around hoping she'll let me make that jump from friend to lover one day and all the while she's banging dudes and complaining to me about how they treat her. Good luck with THAT. I'd go insane. I still really like her and I wish I could get a shot at showing her (again?), but it's not going to happen. She is playing by her rules and I'm trying to bend them. I have to just forget about her even though she likes to fray the neatly cut ends of this storyline.

So what is the solution to my dimentia? I don't know. I read somewhere that if you complain without a solution it's a rant, but if you point out problems and give solutions you're a "thought leader." fucking buzz words. I'm trying hard to use this blog as a commentary about the bigger issues, but the micro bullshit in my life has to be aired somewhere.

This post is rapidly turning into "How I Fail at AIM"... but here we go... Another thing I got into a habbit of doing was to keep my AIM up all hours of the day and night and hope to see/hear from FG. She doesn't like using the phone (maybe just with me, who knows) so she and I spoke over AIM for the most part. If it was 1am and I hadn't heard from her, what do you think I'd do? Refresh my email and check my AIM every 5 minutes until my eyes hurt only to go to bed at 4am without hearing from her. Seeing as the IM I missed last night was right around midnight I am finding myself clicking over to my stupid buddy list over and over again just like I did before FG became FG.

OK, it's 12:30AM and I'm not going to let myself fall into this trap again. She's not interested in a relationship... I'm not interested in being friends. Ex is now blocked, no more checking her screen name. What's next? Who knows.

Another rock stupid thing I do is play too much EverQuest. I was doing well at keeping my playtimes down for a long time and then I joined a new guild... which had a week long backflagging event that I had to attend every single night last week from Monday through Saturday. I tallied up aprox time on the game last week... and the grand total was aprox 42.5 hours. 42 fucking hours on a game when I'm working 50 hours. Did I agree to go on a raid instead of going out trying to find my next ex girlfriend? You bet your ass I did. I'm basically caught up now on all my backflagging for PoP and should be able to raidin for the Elemental Planes (and hopefully get some sweet gear... barbarian warriors loooooove sweet AC/HP/SV gear... and maybe a little haste.... and dodge mods.... etc etc etc). If I'm going to sit here and be all depressed that my ex is fucking other dudes and the only girl I've given a shit about in the past year has no interest in me then maybe I should get out and actually meet people? Yup. It's like bitching you're fat and not working out. Do something to fix it or don't complain.

So anyways, I'm going to bed. I'll be back to complain about more shit and point out other stuff that bothers me eventually... I'm sure this is a truely intreguing blog for you... congrats on making it this deep in this post.

Let's just be friends

2006-01-04T22:43:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm going to make this one quick. If a chick tells you "I just want to be friends" what that translates out to is "I can't see a reason to date you, but I don't dislike you. I'm too much of a pussy to just tell you the truth, so I'm going to drop a bullshit line and then follow it up by praising you and trying to make you feel good about yourself because, again, I'm a huge pussy."

The line "I just want to be friends" (like I just hinted to) is always followed by something along the lines of, "but you're such a nice guy and I really like you and I'm sure you'll find a great girlfriend and you're so good to me and I really enjoy spending time with you" bla bla bla. What this means, again, is "I'm a huge pussy and don't want to say that I don't find you attractive in the least but you've got a real good personality. Maybe not the one I'm looking for, but you're a good person. It's too bad that it wasn't the other way around because all I'm looking for is a good looking dude that will fuck me and then treat me like shit."

Here's why I'm bringing this up tonight...

If you didn't allready guess, the last girl I gave a shit about dropped the "friends" bomb on me about a month ago. I was an ass and tried to hard to be extra nice and impressively courteous and it backfired in my face. If I had just acted like a badass and ignored her half the time I'd probably be fucking her right now instead of complaining about how she ended it.

But why tonight?

Because she sent me an IM saying that she hopes I had a nice holiday and I reply that I did. We were both watching the USC TU game tonight and talking about it back and forth.

Why the fuck is she coming out of nowhere being nice? She already told me "let's be friends" which = "I don't want you in my life" so why is she talking to me again?

I really like her and I'm letting myself fall into the trap that I warn others about. Once she says she's not interested, cut her off forever because you know YOU are still interested and you'll never be on equal footing.

But what does Pi do? I chum it up with her again. I DO NOT want to be her friend. That's the last thing I need. I have plenty of friends I can't see enough as it is. I'll never hang out with her as a friend. I'll never introduce her to dudes and giggle as she makes out with some drunk at a bar. I want to spend every waking minute with her, she wants someone to talk to when nobody's around. It will NEVER work out.

I think I have the right to tell her straight up that I'm interested in giving dating another try or just parting ways. If she says part ways, then I'm cool with that. I was real upset when she F bombed me, but I got over it rather quickly and moved right along. I don't think she could re-injur my feelings and even if she did, it wouldn't be a supprise. Me asking her to either give us a try or take a fucking hike is my way of getting rid of stress. If it turns out that she IS interested in giving us another shot then it's a bonus. I'm getting excited thinking about the possibility... I'm such a fucking loser.

I know what's going to happen. I'm going to puss out on getting the answer to my only question for her and she's going to walk all over me in the meantime...

Why the hell are you girls that are worth spending time with so far and few between? So far most girls I've met have been fat fucks or totally retarded to the point where I can't even carry on a conversation. I've only met a few that are pretty and fun. All 3 have dropped F-Bombs.

here's an F bomb for you... FUCK OFF!

OK, so girls suck, but I want to get back to the "Let's be friends" break line and how to improve it.

So, ladies, you want to stop seeing someone that you just started dating. You think the easiest way to do it would be to say something nice and try to let him know that you still want him in your life even though you don't. You say, "I like you a lot, but not like that, I just want to be friends" or any variation on that break line. It comes accross as "I like your personality, but I don't find you attractive at all." Or "I can't find any reason to date you at all, but you're not an asshole, so I'm not going to be an 'asshole' and say anything mean."

Here's what it should sound like, "I don't think this is going to work out." "Why?" "I just don't have the feelings for you that I thought I did." Wow, you didn't say anything mean, you were honest, and it tells the dude exactly what's up. It leaves no room for error. She doesn't like you, move on.

Here are some examples of ways girls can fuck with dudes' heads, "I'm just so busy right now. It's not fair to you to try to start a relationship under these circumstances." (problem: Dude thinks that once she's no longer busy that everything's going to work out). "I'm not in a good place right now." (Problem: once things square themselves away things will work out). "I'm not ready for a relationship." (Problem: If you stay at this one, she will eventually be ready). "I need to live for myself." (Problem: If you stay at this one, she will eventually be ready). "I'm still not over my ex." (Problem: If you show her how awesome you are, she'll be over her ex).

I could list a thousand more, but why bother? You should understand what I'm getting at. If you leave some sappy bullshit line for someone they will read right into it and find loopholes and second chances laying around all over the place.

My ex left me and it's forever. Know what she said? "I haven't loved you for over a year. I'm not happy. I don't want to be with you anymore." I know exactly what that bitch wanted... to get the fuck out of our relationship and there was nothing I could say or do that would change it. Sure, I think she could have went about it in a kinder way... maybe not over the phone after giving her the best 5 years of my life... but I digress.

This obviously goes for guys too, but girls are notorious for being cowards when it comes to hurting feelings. If you don't say why you aren't interested in dating someone, they won't know and they will keep harboring feelings that will never be reciprocated. Why would you do that to someone? It is a slow burning hurt that lasts a long long time.

For instance, "You are a good friend. I want to keep this at friends. You're a really nice guy. I'm just so busy right now and you live an hour away." That sounds to a hopeless asshole like myself like, "I'm busy with finals but when they are over I'll be in a better position to take this seriously. I'll also appreciate the fact that you will travel for me once I realize you'll do it a shit load." What does it really mean? "I don't have feelings for you." If she said the latter, then I wouldn't have had to log on to fucking blogger to rant about the fact that I am so happy she talked to me and how dissapointed I'm going to be when I lay it out AGAIN and fail AGAIN. I wouldn't be wondering why she made a point of asking me about my birthday and holiday. WTF!!!!!????????? If she had just been honest, I wouldn't be on the emotional tilt a whirl.

Whatever. I'm losing sleep over her AGAIN. I have to be at my desk in about... 5 hours giving me 4 hours to sleep and an hour to get ready THIS morning. fuck.

I hate dealing with girls....

but I love dealing with www.firegirls.com That could be one of the hottest porn sites out there. Next time I have a few bucks I'm going to get myself a sub.

Home office support?

2006-01-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

I set up an account last month for a client who was transfering over 3 accounts. 2 came over with no questions asked. The third has killed at least 2 acres of land worth of paper. I get "wires"........ !#%#&^%WIRES!!#$#^#&$&!!!! You heard that correctly.... "W I R E S" from the home office telling me there is one tiny little teeeny weeny spelling mistake or correction that needs to be made. They are specific in exactly what the problem is, but in the age of instant communications with people anywhere in the world... why the FUCK do I get a little piece of paper that takes hours to arrive on my desk that says, "THIS HAS TO BE NETWORKED AS A LEVEL 4 ACCOUNT" instead of "ring ring!" "hello?" "This account has to be level 4, not 3. Would you like me to change that and get this squared away?" "Sure, that would be swell." Or even better yet... "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" "OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH. I've got mail! Let me see... I need to change the networking status, let me REPLY to this email and let them know what's up.... M A K E T H A T L E V E L 4. T H A N K S.... send.

But what do I get? Wires.... It's like a fucking telegram. I can find japanese bukakke videos and stream them to my computer at 1.5meg/sec, I can play a video game against people from china, vietnam, iraq, london, france, and all over America all at the same time, I can make voice calls over the internet for FREE at any time of the day or night, and my cell phone takes full color videos with sound that I can send to anyone, anywhere in the US of A at no charge, but at a multinational firm I can't fucking send an email... fuck... I can't even make a call! I have to send and receive wires.

When I DO call the extention of the person listed as the sender of the wire I never get that person. When I ask the person on the phone to fix it they say that the other person has to do it... at least until I tell him to fuck off and do it because they all do the same fucking job. I end up getting transfered at least 6 to 10 times before anyone even tries to give me an answer if bullying the first guy doesn't work.

IF, by act of GOD I get the right person on the phone, what happens? "uh... could you send us a wire with those instructions?" "No... do it now while I have you on the phone." "well... it uh... requires a wire." "What does the wire have to say?" "Fix it." "you've got to be fucking with me?" "no, we need a wire."

I get more mad dealing with support than with retard clients.

Now, here's where things get interesting. I call the NETWORKING DESK and speak with a NETWORKING CLERK who told me that I had incorrectly NETWORKED an account as a LEVEL 3 account instead of a LEVEL 4 account. I ask her why it has to be level 4. She says, "because the account has X on it. It has to be level 4."

I then drop the bunker buster right on her underground compound:

"What is a level 4 account?"

To which she replies:

"I DON'T KNOW... LET ME LOOK AT MY NOTES. **SHUFFLING PAPER NOISE FOR 5 MINUTES** I'm going to need to ask a co worker... hold please. **put on hold** (meanwhile, our hero is sitting there with a pile of cuss words and hate getting bottlenecked at his mouth to the point where nothing is coming out) OK, GUS IS GOING TO HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK."

To which I reply (calmly): "You are a networking clerk and are telling me to network this as a level 4 account, but you don't know what a level 4 account is?"

"no"

"Then how the hell am I supposed to know what it is if it's your ENTIRE JOB and you have NO CLUE???"

"I'll have Gus call you back... anything else I can help you with today?"

**click**

Counting on People

2005-12-31T14:18:00.000-08:00

I am a trusting man. When things are said to me that I am going to have to count on, then I expect them to be done. It almost never works out. When someone says, "I'll take care of X and you do Y" then it normally ends up, "oh, I'm sorry, I decided to do Z." and I'm standing there with my Y in my hands with no idea what the fuck to do.

Such is the problem with New Years this year. I get a call a couple weeks ago saying "Hey, I think we're going to party at my place for new years." "OK, let me know when you know what's going on." I never hear anything again. Then, about a week ago I get another call, "Hey, two kickass bands are playing close to your place, want to go there for new years?" "yes." "OK, I'll round up the troops. Is it cool if people crash at your place?" "yes."

So, to make things interesting, here's the backstory:

This first person was just offering up an idea with no real plans. I didn't expect them to be solid plans and wasn't getting my hopes up. This group of friends I roll with that I've known since I was a kid are all either married, engaged, or in a long term relationship. I'm single as single gets. New years has always turned into sitting around with girlfriends on laps and drinking while I drink myself blind because I'm bored and single.

So, when I heard there were plans to go to a bar with a cool band and open bar I was like, "fuck yeah!"

Another layer to this story is that the girl who told me about the bar and got me on the guest list was also one of the "long term relationship" people up until this year with another friend of mine. They "broke up" but they are still all about each other. Up until Christmas they both had sappy "I only want one thing for christmas and you know who you are" messages in their profiles. When they are around each other they are all over each other, but they are "broken up." Last night, at the party we all went to the two of them dissapeared for a while after being all lovey dovey in front of everyone and now, all of a sudden, she wants to go hang out at a party full of 20 somethings acting like 60 somethings with their wives/girlfriends and I'm sitting here trying to find anything else to do.

On top of THAT, I started my day by being pissed at my best friend. We both had to go to the DMV, but he was out playing house last night and went to bed at a reasonable hour and I was out until almost 5am. He calls me at 8am to go and I try to get out of bed and fail. He calls back and says 8:45 or he's leaving without me. I send him a txt at 8:40 to let him know I'm in my truck on my way and he leaves anyways. Why? Because his girlfriend came with him. He NEVER would have ditched me if she wasn't around. That pissed me off. So he was maybe a minute ahead of me because it was fucking SNOWING like crazy. The fact that he didn't wait 1 minute for me, that he didn't understand that I was wiped out from being out because he was playing house, and for him to then make fun of me for looking tired was bullshit.

So, twice today, friends have let me down. At least my best friend made sure I was out of bed to get my liscence renewed. If he hadn't called I probably would still be sleeping. So, after I get back from the DMV I get a txt, "you tired or mad at me?" reply: "yes." "Why?" "15 minutes late, I'm in bed, talk later."

I fall back asleep and wake up at 4PM. That's when I get the AIM message that the girl who made plans was cancelling them for tonight... at 4 fucking o clock p fucking m.

Her reasoning? "T looked so excited about his party that I can't say no to it, so I'm cancelling the trip to the bar... sorry."

What she should have said, "I'm reconciling with my ex and want to spend time with him for new years instead of going to the bar."

She flat out lied. Worst part? Well, it's a tie between the fact that she was going to get us in for half price ($50) and that now I'm the only one left not wanting to go to T's party and won't go alone to the bar.

She won't reply to IMs now because she knows I'm pissed. She knows I know why she doesn't want to go anymore. She knows I'm going to be fucking pissed for a long time.

It's not that I want to get into her pants or some shit. She has no interest in me and we are friends. Never been more, never will be more. The problem is that you can't go to a bar ALONE especially on new years fucking eve. I counted on her and she blew it.

I wouldn't have been so mad if she had just said, "hey, last night B and I talked and I really want to spend NYE with him, so I'm not going ot be going to the bar." I was there when they were talking and I saw T talk about his party. T wasn't excited in the least and I saw her and her ex talk and then dissapear. Good for them. It sucks to be alone. I know. JUST BE FUCKING HONEST!

When it's Appropriate to Supprise

2005-12-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

I'm sure everyone's seen a movie where a guy decides to grab hold of a life long friend of his who he's been in love with his whole life and kisses her before telling her the truth about his feelings. In the movies she'll start to cry and say she's allways loved him too and they will make love and then live happily ever after. Well, try that. I dare you. That shit only works in the movies. In the real world you have to prepare a girl for a supprise. Doing something too nice, or not nice enough at any time in a relationship can put you back into the dating pool.

For example, let's say you have been dating a girl for several months. She is everything to you and you feel yourself falling for her. You can see it in her eyes that she feels the same way. You are intimate and things are doing nothing but getting better and better. One night, you go out to a nice restaurant and have a romantic dinner followed by a walk through a beautiful park. You sit down on a bench, hold her in your arms, and tell her, "I love you." She will be supprised because you said it, but you gave her every indication that you were going to do something nice by being extra nice before hand (the nice dinner, the walk, etc), so she'll reply with an "I love you" of her own.

Let's say it goes another way. You hang out with the same girl, in the same situation, the only difference is that you are both lounging around in sweats watching TV all night. You realize the night's getting old, so you get up to leave, and you say, "I love you." Now, you know she is feeling it, you know you are, you've been dating the same length as the last couple, everything is the same. After you say it, she'll give you a shocked look. She wasn't ready. Now she's scrambling to find the right words. "do I really love him?" "Do I really want to say it?" "what am I going to do?" Her head is full of questions that she needs to answer immediately before dropping the L bomb and you fired an unprevoked preemptive strike on her.

Girls need time. They need to analyize things. They need to see them coming or at least have an idea of what MIGHT be coming in order to be comfortable with it. If you do something abruptly, even if it's exactly what she wants, she's going to be confused and scared.

Think about how many girls you have known in your life that you could drive up to her house at any time and pick her up without telling her where you're going and have her be totally comfortable with it. Can you think of any? I know I can't. Now, I have dude friends that used to just get an idea (cliff diving at a quarry, stealing signs, 4 wheeling, cruising town, crashing a party someplace) and they'd just roll up on my house and be like, "YOOOOOO, 3.14, LET'S FUCKING GO!" and I'd roll out. I'd hop in someone's truck and they'd brief me on what's going on while we were on the way to the target and I was always cool with it. Supprises don't bother me. They don't bother most dudes. It's fun. It's exciting. I don't have to process things first and I don't have to insure to myself that what I'm feeling is OK. I just act.

Let's use some situations I lived. Dated a girl (C) for 4 years. Her and I were madly in love, and set to graduate from college soon. I knew that she was the peron I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and thought she felt the same way. For Christmas I bought C a diamond "past, present, future" ring. I told her it was a promise ring. We were 23 years old. I didn't think it would come as that much of a supprise that I was giving her something that symbolizes that one day I would like to ask her to marry me after 4 years of dating. Well... I was wrong. She freaked out, cried, tried to give it back, put it away, talked to her family about it and was still in tears, didn't wear it for months, hated it, and made me feel like shit.

A few months later she left me for many reasons, but one big one was that I was sure she was what I wanted and she wasn't sure I was what she wanted. The ring was a constant reminder of my certainty and her questions.

So how could I have made that gift better? I could have hinted at it. I could have showed her pictures of rings similar to it and ask what she thought of it. I could have come close to blowing the supprise a few times to make sure she had a good idea of what it was going to be. I could have told her friends and made sure they knew what was going on so they could hint at it.

Breaking down a supprise so that a girl can stomach it is full time spy vs spy shit. You have to drop propaganda, you plant mental seeds, you ruin the supprise as much as possible, and you try to make it seem like you're the idiot who can't keep a secret so when she knows what's coming she can pretend to be supprised. In reality, she's excited because what she figured out weeks ago was right. She's happy she knew what was going on and she's happy that she got what she realized was nice a long time ago. Girls feel supprise through realization that the expected has become reality.

I know as a man I feel supprised when something happens that I had no idea was going to happen. If I had any clue whatsoever it's not the same. I like being supprised. When a girl does something for me that I didn't see coming (and that could be anything from being at my place when I get home, to some creative razor work downstairs, to cooking dinner, to planning parties, to getting tickets to shows, to telling me she loves me, to whatever) it's exciting. I feel like I'm getting something I never planned on getting and that feels good. It keeps things interesting because I can swallow a supprise and enjoy the new experience. I don't have to process it 100 times over before I let it be OK. I can just enjoy what's going on for what it is.

If you supprise a girl like you like to be supprised, you will be single.

Here's another example of me learning this lesson the hard way. I met a girl (T) over the internet. Never saw a picture, nothing. She came to see me, and from the second I saw her I was hooked. She was really pretty, smart, funny as hell, great girl. She was having a rough week, and we really had only shared a couple of hours together over a restaurant table, but I felt like she'd like to receive flowers. So, what do I do? I go online and order up 18 roses from my favorite online flower merchant... www.proflowers.com. I have them shipped next day so she'll get them right away. I sit at my workstation and refresh fedex.com a thousand times to make sure they get there on time. The arrive at 3:30PM. I get home at 6PM. I hop online, no email. I sit around with my phone in my hand... no call. I tap my feet for a few hours and then realize it's stupid and give T a call. No answer. 11PM I get a call, "thanks for the flowers, they're beautiful. I have to go, talk to you later." Later I ask her if she wants to hang out that weekend... "I'm busy." -2 weeks go by- No word from T. She logs onto AIM to let me know I'm a great friend. I decide to make her spell it out and ask her if she'd like to catch a movie over the weekend. "I want to keep this at friends."

Now let's digest this a bit. Everything was moving in the right direction until she received a supprise delivery of flowers. Then all of a sudden things were weird. Why? Because she was supprised and didn't see it coming. Who is this guy? Why is he so nice to me? Why did he send me flowers? Is he just trying to get in my pants? Why would anyone send flowers to someone that they barely know? We haven't even had sex, why would he give a shit about me?

Supprises are bad news if they bring up questions you don't want her to answer for herself. If I had told her I really liked her. If she knew me better. If I had told her I was sending her something. If I had hinted to anyone what I was doing. If I had done nothing. Then there would still be a chance, but because I showed my hand and went out of my way to do something nice for her she got freaked out.

Basically, never say or do anything special for a girl who doesn't see it coming. That shit only works in movies.

Want to see how this works in other situations? Take the stock market. If the consensus prediction for the economy is a 3% gain this quarter, what results will cause the market to drop 100 points? I'm sure you're saying to yourself, "well, if it goes down instead of up." and if you're savy, you'll also be thinking, "if it goes up less than expected." But the truth is that if the market is expected to gain 3% and it gains 4% or 2% it will cause a massive selloff where every sector will be slammed. Why would the market get scared and start selling off if the market gained 4% instead of 3%? Because the news is too good. It starts people thinking about how the fed is going to reign in the market. Maybe they don't believe it will last. They don't believe things are on the up and up. It could be a thousand different reasons. So, what makes the market rally and move in an upward fashion? Well, the results have to be EXTREMELY close to estimates. If they say it will go up 3% and it goes up 3%... EVERY stock goes up big.

Same shit with girls. If they EXPECT you to do something nice and you actually do something nice then they love it. If you do something nicer than what they expected or don't do something nice enough, they'll resent you.

Next time you have a great idea of something that will make her happy that she doesn't see coming, don't be stupid. Make sure she sees it coming. Otherwise you're finished.

How Everyone's Expected to Lie

2005-12-14T19:53:00.000-08:00

Let me get this one thing straight. I'm all for lieing. Telling the truth is easy, lieing so you get what you want is hard. It's a skill and an art that not everyone can master. I am not sure how good a liar I am, especially when it counts.

Let me give you an example of of what I'm talking about.

You go out with a girl for the first time. You can't believe how much fun you're having or how cool this chick turned out to be. You laugh and talk and really have a wonderful time. By the end of the date you don't want to let her leave. By the end of the night you miss her. By the end of the weekend you've fallen for her hard.

You call her again. What do you say? Do you say, "holy shit, I really like you." or "Hey, I had a great time." ?

Well, if you don't want to be alone, you lie. You say you had a good time and that you'd like to see her again. When people ask you how the date went you don't let them know that you think you've found one of the great ones. You tell them you had a good time and hope to see her again.

When she tells you she'd rather talk over the internet than over the phone do you:
A) Ah, that sucks. Talking over AIM is so bland. I really would like to hear your voice.
B) Why AIM? Is it because you really don't want to spend that time with me?
C) Cool, if I'm on, say hi

If you said anything but C... YOU LOSE

When she doesn't log on for a week and doesn't answer your calls only to send you an email talking about how busy she is, what do you do?
A) Ask her if she's got time for you because you really like her and want to know if there is a chance she could take this seriously now before you waste both of your time.
B) Tell her it's cool. You're busy too, but you'd like to hear from her when she gets a second

If you said A... YOU LOSE

When you hang out and she makes other plans for dinner at 8 and she makes plans with her girlfriends at 10 last minute. do you...
A) let her know that you're dissapointed that she isn't interested in seeing you for more than a couple hours.
B) say it's cool and meet up for a quick dinner before she goes out with her girls

Of course the answer is B.

I could go on like this forever. To be successful, you MUST lie. You CANNOT show your hand. You will FAIL if you are truthful and open. But wait. Isn't that what most girls are looking for? Don't they want a guy who will be open and honest? One that will share their innermost feelings and desires? No. They want predictability. They want things to move along at a certain pace that you will never know until you fuck it up. This goes for men too. I wouldn't want a girl that I was unsure of all up in my face 24/7, but I don't date dudes, so I'm not going to take that side.

Now, what happens when you are the one who's not interested? What do you say? If you're a pussy like me you just screen a few calls and if you still feel like you don't want to see her again, take some time and think up a lie that's the most believable.

For example, I met a girl who is still in college. She was set to graduate in a couple months and wanted to spend the fall halfway accross the globe studying some bullshit nature stuff. On top of that she stood eye to eye to me and was built like a Defensive Tackle... and had a lisp. So what do I say to her?

A) I cannot physically figure out the logistics it would take to have sex with you, I picture you with more clothes on, your lisp is like a hot machette to my brain, and you're a creep.
B) I really like you, and I had a great time, but I'm just too busy with my job, and with your college and your research, I don't think you're ready for this either. I don't want to get serious and then have you accross the globe.

I shouldn't even have to answer this one.

That last example happens ALL THE TIME... but the ones nobody talks about are the ones where you hide how happy you are. Why the fuck should I keep it a secret if I enjoy someone else's company? Why should it spook a chick if I let her know she's awesome?

I'll tell you why.

Because every guy tells girls they are awesome to get in their pants. Every guy lies. It's par for the course. It's what you must do. So when a girl starts to feel special, what does she do? Take a step back and rethink why this dude's being so nice. Is it because he wants to fuck and then throw me out or is it because he really thinks I'm awesome? When she does decide the intentions are good, and goes ahead only to be fucked and left behind, it makes it that much harder for the next guy who likes her to get through that barricade.

The older I get, the thicker those baricades are. The harder it is to prove I'm who I really am. I'm an asshole, but I treat girls right. I'm nothing if i'm not a good guy, but I have to deal with the baggage of countless pieces of garbage who've ruined the girls I want to share my time with.

So when it comes to being good at meeting new women and starting new relationships, you have to be a damn good liar. You have to know how to keep your poker face up and not show your hand no matter what she says or does. You have to supprise her only when she expects it. Don't do anything that doesn't fit her timeline. Let her lead you along even if you've been dieing for things to move faster. Focus on yourself when all you can think about is her. Don't be around when she calls. Don't respond to her emails for a day or so. Make sure she is never tipped off that your heart beats her name until she nudges you to tell her so.

Mission Statement

2005-12-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

I will post real stories about my life and the relationships and interpersonal contacts I have with 100% honesty to what I'm really feeling. I will make accusations without fear of them being read by the accused. I will hurt feelings and say things that will offend just about everyone. I will make up fake names, places, backstories so I can be 100% truthful and honest. I will never try to make myself, my feelings, my emotions, my desires, my perversions, my life, look good to anyone. They will be what they are. Complex, stupid, painful, gross, offensive, and so on.

Above all else, I'll keep my identity a secret to maintain my freedom.